Bud terrace, 447, Apartment D, 10:30 pm
I crashed down onto my comfy bed, pulled the covers over me and nestled my head into the soft pillow. I started to think about tomorrow, but felt too exhausted to feel excited about it. My eyes instantly closed, because the pitch-blackness of my mind was more comforting than the lightless world around me. Before I knew it, sleep had taken over my body.
It felt like I had only blinked, not fallen asleep. There was a loud chirping coming from outside my window. I groaned and turned over, stretching and hitting my hand on the wall in the process. Why did that silly bird wake me up? That bird’s chirping is as bad as my alarm clock. Wait! Redwing! She was the signal! I grabbed my watch, belt and crossbow and quickly got dressed in my usual all black outfit. I tied up my long, straight blonde hair in a hurry. It was exactly 1:00 am, time to move. I slowly opened my window and swung my legs over the sill. I glanced down at the huge drop, and without a moment’s hesitation, I jumped out. Laughing with joy, I spread my arms, hearing the wind screaming in my ear as I plunged down like a stone.
I waited till I was at the third floor of the building before I flicked my hand and a powerful blast of air whisked me away. Surfing on the wind current like a slippery slide, I laughed until my boots gently brushed the ground. Once I was down, I looked around. Being care-less with magic was dangerous and I should have just taken the long flight of stairs. I crept up to the nearest lamppost and pressed my watch against the side of it. Removing my watch when the scanning was complete, it tipped it on its side.
I stared down at the escape route, hidden under the lamppost. The feelings of fear and exhilaration battled in my mind, as usual, my excitement drowned out my fear as I dropped down into the hidden hole.
My heart pounding with a long for adventure, I took a left down the tunnel. As I made my way down the tangles of tunnels, my feet pounded on the marble floor of the Escape Way Transporter. The corridors slowly opened up the further I ran along until I had reached a gigantic hall the size of three floors from my apartment building.
I breathed in the familiar scent of nature and the sound of birds chirping. The hall consisted of a stage with thousands of rows of chairs which were surrounded by blooming buds of all colours and most importantly, birds. There were a lot of people walking around in groups and chatting. Everyone was passing through to the transporters, so no one sat down or paid any attention to me. I shielded my eyes and squinted up at the lights. The hall was lit exactly like the sun on a perfect spring day. Above all of this, hung a gigantic chandelier sparkling like a thousand diamonds. Twelve charms hung from it, representing all the kingdoms, but the bird charm, representing Utopia, shone the brightest. Each charm was big enough to be held in my hand.
After looking around, my heart was filled with enchanting memories that lifted my mood to the sky and cleared my mind of all thoughts. I looked to the stage and was quickly reminded of my mission again. My friends were all huddled in a circle whispering in hushed voices. When Dawn saw me, she beckoned me over. I ran towards them with open arms.
‘Dawn!’’ I cried.
‘Wendy! You’re late, as always. You would think that such an excited and curious girl would be the first here!’’ teased Dawn. She always found a way to make me laugh.
‘Sorry, I slept through the alarm.’’
‘Never mind that now; we’ve got a serious situation on our hands. And the star warriors decided that only those with nature and creativity powers could sort it out. Let’s go to the launch pads, pronto!’’ ordered Claire, the oldest of us. All six of us marched off stage with a mixture of fear, excitement and determination on our faces.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Redwing - Chapter 2 *Edited*Points:
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello, Utopia. MS here for a review.
I like that you gave the reader just enough information in this chapter. After reading this chapter I'm left wondering what Wendy's mission(at 1 am) is and what birds and magic have to do with it. Just be sure you answer these questions later on in the novel (so you don't dissapoint your reader). You also have concise paragraphs which keep me from getting bored (as long paragraphs do tend to bore).
I found a few places I believe could use reviewing.
Try rewriting this sentence to make it more clear.
Eg. After the scan was complete, I removed my watch and tipped it on its side.
Again, I think this sentence should be rewritten for clarity.
Eg. My heart pounded, longing for adventure.
Here you've crammed two sentences together with a comma. You can either start a new sentence at 'as usual' or place a semi-colon after 'mind' to conjoin them.
You did an excellent job capturing your audience and made good use of literary devices such as the simile. I applaud your work! Keep writing.
Hiya Utopia! I thought I'd review this novel of yours.
What I liked about this piece was that I wasn't really expecting the magic element in it. I started off thinking it was going to be an ordinary story, in the sense it wouldn't really be in a fantasy genre, but I was pleasantly surprised. The descriptions you've began to do are really good, too.
Because this is the past tense, 'tomorrow' should be 'the next day'.
Did you mean 'lightness'? Lightless isn't a word I don't think, and also the word you use here should contrast with 'pitch-blackness'.
I know this has been mentioned, but a lot of your sentences start with I. And they're quite action based, ie 'I did this' 'I did that'. Firstly, instead of using I, you can start with adverbs such as 'slowly' 'carefully' etc. Or maybe when you're describing things, you won't need to start with I.
Also, I'd like to see some more of the character's thoughts, because right now I don't feel like there's a lot. Seeing into the character's thoughts really reveal a lot about them. And seeing as this is in the first person, you've got the perfect opportunity to add in some thoughts. So seeing as this is quite short, no harm done in adding some more.
Overall, this was really interesting! Sorry this is such a short review, but I didn't have a lot to say. Nonetheless, I hope this helped. Feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. I'll get to the other chapters, shortly.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thanks for the review. I guess I am a bit "I'' obsessed with my work.
Hi there! I was curious about your book 'Redwing' and decided to read it. I wasn't very interested until you got to the part where it said 'Each charm represents each kingdom' I was like 'Oooh this might be interesting' and it was, I am curious but if I had a choice I wouldn't read more. I do have a few tips writer to writer. I've been writing for about 4 years in total, some days better than others.
Alright I shall begin.
Could you go through here and read each sentence? 2 out of 3 times it starts with I. It repeats a lot.
If you want to attract more readers try using something like.
Here's an Example: I crashed down onto my comfy bed. Pulling the covers over me and nestling my head into the soft pillow. I started to think about tomorrow, feeling too exhausted to be excited about it. Closing my eyes, because the pitch-blackness of my mind was more comforting than the lightless world around me and before I knew it, sleep had taken over my body.
See how I changed a few of the words? Instead of using I?
Also try describing the girl like using something like:
'As I jumped down my h/c hair blew around viciously like....'
Something like that, over all it was a good chapter I love the plot.
I will continue reading.
Now, if this at all offended you I'm sorry.
I was only trying to help writer to writer.
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14
Writer, Artist, Student and Reader
Thanks for the review! I needed to find another way to take out all those I's!
Hola sis! Came to see what you were up to now!
Quick question though: are you going to be continuing Mission Blind Eye as well as this one or not?
This was a very good first chapter. I think it's a pretty big step up from Mission Blind Eye because it has more of a strong platform to it where you can build off of from there. I am curious to know the extent of her and her friends powers, which I hope is something we get to see more of in the future! Also, I am wondering what the mission will be, which is definitely a good thing! The suspense is adding up
Here I see a problem which is often easy to detect in my own works when I write in first person... a usage of I at the beginning of every sentence. It gets repetitive and really is a big turn off because this is only the first paragraph! For the rest of the chapter you have a pretty good balance in there, but it would be nice for you to switch word orders or say things differently so you mix up the vocabulary a bit more in here.
I didn't really think you needed to repeat 'window' twice in this one sentence. You can cut the second 'window' out, because we know what you mean if you just say sill instead.
My reasoning here is pretty much the same as it was for the comment before this. Out seems to be repeated twice and the second one isn't necessary to understand what you mean there. I would just cut it.
Hm, only after she has done the whole magic thing and whirling out of her window, squealing with joy, does she check that the coast is clear? Firstly, she should check the coast before she even leaves the window. Secondly, if she is trying to be inconspicuous a good idea would be not to magically bring your way out of the house but to take a few stairs and walk out the front door. Yes that takes effort but if she minds people seeing her, it is safer and the better option.
These sentences are entirely separate and shouldn't be linked with a comma. I think it should really be a full stop instead.
One thing we don't see much of is Wendy herself as a character. I do acknowledge the fact that this is only the first chapter. But even then, it is nice to have a little bit of a relation, maybe even something dear. he could stroke the doorknob before he leaves the house and the person can catch him and ask why he does that. He could answer something silly and lie, or be truthful and mention why he really does it. Either way it's your choice, as the author's rights!
What I wanted to know was whether or not this is set on earth. I am assuming so since they all had to meet underground and she didn't want people to see her. So, maybe mention that this normal everyday life is too boring for her as she hops into the chute towards adventure and mystery as she wants!
I have nothing more to say. This is a brilliant beginning, and keep me updated!
Deanie x
Thanks sis! I tried to give hidden glimpses at Wendy character. For instance, when she is flying, I say she plunges down which is dangerous and scary, but Wendy is enjoying it. This shows she is a little bit of a dare-devil or an adventurous girl. I also tried to mention how excited and curios she is.
Yo! Buggie here for a review.
Wrong 'straight'! Don't you just love homophones?Anyways, lovely first chapter. I love it when writers dump their readers into the middle of the situation, and the fact that you didn't take the time to describe everything about the sci-fi history of the world makes it seem so natural. Love it!
Now then, I only have a few nitpicks, since Timmy took care of most everything.
1. In the first paragraph, you started every single sentence with 'I'. While starting with the subject of the sentence is the default word order for most of us, it gets repetitive after a while. (You did have diversity later, but just a friendly reminder.)
2.
3. Since it's hanging from the ceiling, 'lay' probably isn't the right verb.
Other than that, great job! I can already tell, just by the way she narrates things, that Wendy is quite the optimist, so I applaud your effective use of indirect characterization.
Can't wait to see what happens next! If you don't mind, I'd like to hear from you when you post again.
Ciao!
Thanks for the review!
Timmy has decided to pop in real quick for a review!
Wow, this was incredible! What a story inside this... You character is quite the person, and not only can we see what is going on around her with such vividness, but still retaining that little bit for our imagination to play the picture... And your character feels so much! Instead of just doing, which is the normal, she is feeling. She is thinking. That gives your story sooo much depth to it, and makes me want more.
This confused me... because it really didn't make sense. What bird? We haven't heard anyting about a bird yet, and then you throw it in there... Perhaps put the bird in a few moments earlier too, sort of like an introduction?
Okay, so this seems really cool. She controls the air somewhat. Sound entrancing, really... But we don't know nor understand all this. How she controls it, or what it does. How it happens. And its like bam! in your face, and we have no idea what just happened... Perhaps introduce it slowly, so that we understand. Introduce us to this cool power?
Wait... What? I had no idea she was up that high! Perhaps give us a visual of the setting. She looks over the edge, down the side of the building, perhaps?
That should be the opening line for a new paragraph.
I think "lighted" should be "lit"
"curios" should be "curious"
The two "all" installs redundancy. I would suggest pulling out the first one and stating simply, "oldest of us"
So this was an incredible first chapter! I love your characters voice, and her long for adventure... I also love how you didn't describe the other people---not yet. They seem like a mystery to us, and will remain a mystery until the next chapter, I suppose. I can't wait!!! Now I just use my imagination to create the characters, and how they look.
Utopia is your username. Love it!
This seems to me to be a well combined mix of fantasy and science fiction. A blend that will really push your story forward, because its so entrancing! The story you have put together just pulled me in. You character pulled me in. Her personality, the drive and longing for adventure that she has, just pulled me in to your story.
That, and I just really love your style of writing.
Let me know when the next chapter comes up!
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks for you review! I'm not the best at grammar so your nitpicks really help. I'll tell you when the next chapter comes out which is pretty soon...
(I really love the word Utopia)
You're welcome.
Yesss... let me know!