Redwing - Chapter 5 *Edited*

by Utopia

Published July 7, 2014

E - Everyone

In Redwing

Realm Reunion central, royal meeting room, five hours earlier

‘Welcome to mission Blind Eye, to stop Eyeline for good,’’ introduced Ladwana.

I was looking forward to this mission, being the leader of all kingdoms and top spy leader, I have fought many battles against Eyeline’s army. She has been trying to destroy our kingdom for far too long.

‘Universe will lead us.’’

That was me, Universe, the princess and only royal of Realm Reunion. I was here with some of the most powerful spies and protectors from all the twelve realms.

‘As you all know, ’’ Ladwana explained, ‘Realm Reunion is the only place where all magical beings can live in harmony due to our planets magic magnetism capabilities which allows Realm Reunion to hold fifty times more magic without our magic forces over-heating and blowing up. If Eyeline destroys our planet, all Realms will break up into war. That is why we have to complete Mission Blind Eye, because the stakes are high. The downside is that our force field will be down for five seconds, to lure Eyeline in, but as soon as she approaches us she will be blasted into smithereens. Yet, if Eyeline was to strike at our forces, there would have to be a battle, one in which the odds are more in her favour.’’

‘Isn’t it too risky, then?’’ I asked.

‘If all goes according to plan, it would have been worth the risk.’’

Our spy guider doesn’t understand all the lives that are at stake here. She lost her family to Eyeline and her eye army, so I guess she would take any chance she could get to destroy Eyeline. Eyeline and her army were created by an evil force, and for reasons we do not know, Eyeline’s creator made her hell bent on trying to take over Realm Reunion.

Realm Reunion is the second planet in this galaxy. We are the only planet, apart from the Utopians, that refused to join the war over earth. We may have the best army, but no one should take what is right-fully human’s. Some claim they’re ‘saving earth’, but they’re just greedy.

‘Troops in your positions, the force field is about to lower. Eyeline is in our sights! Spy leaders try to lead Eyeline towards the forcefield!’’ Our army was another reason why Eyeline kept attacking us. If she could get control of our army, she could use them to attack earth before any of the other kingdoms, and everybody would think it was me.

I leapt up into the air and extracted my wings, they glowed a midnight black as I soared into the air. My chestnut hair trailed along behind me as my heart thumped inside my chest. My navy blue dress flapped at my ankles and stood out amongst the clouds.

I looked down at my kingdom and felt proud. Beautiful green trees were everywhere, the village children were running about gaily and laughing, making their way in doors for the mission. I raked my fingers through the clouds and looked up at the clear blue sky above me and the golden sun, burning at the perfect climate for this time of day. The flowers were blooming all shades of red, blue and white. It’s a shame that the day will be ruined by our mission. Our mission! I was so happy flying that I forgot about our mission!

I suddenly saw an eye in the distance and my heart sank to my boots. Not an ordinary eye, an eye filled with pure evil. My heart rate leapt up to an alarming rate. What was the spy guider thinking? Eyeline truly was dangerous. I felt a shiver go down my spine, a feeling that someone was watching me. I turned my head, my heart skipped several beats. There, staring at me was Eyeline.

She was exactly as I had imagined her. She had neon pink hair to her shoulders and neon yellow skin. She was wearing vines wrapped around her and both of her eyes were glowing, and they both were pitch black. She was holding flames of fire in her hands, I would have been in awe of her if she wasn’t so scary. She truly was a beautiful nightmare.

With a grin on her face, she threw one of the fires in her hand at me. I had to fly fast and make it to the force field before it closed! I dived back in the direction I had come from. Where were the back-ups? I looked down to see my troops fighting Eyeline’s army of humans, covered in eyes. She had hit right in our defences! Eyeline was hot on my tail, throwing fire balls at me. The children below me were running and screaming, eager to get indoors. Everyone wasn’t inside yet! I felt like screaming and running, everything was going wrong! Eyeline was almost a metre away from me now, but the forcefield was also in view. I dived down into it right before Eyeline could grab me.

I turned around to look at Eyeline. She was fuming outside the force field. Suddenly, it dropped down to the ground and faded. The mission! Oh no! We can’t let Eyeline in! Eyeline, noticing that our force field was down, took her chance and dived down towards the terrified villagers.

‘No!’’ I screamed as she conjured an eye army that blasted straight at the children. I ran behind a pillar and stayed hidden while all hell broke loose. I heard shots behind me, screams and fire sparks. I didn’t know what to do. I felt so guilty. I could go through with the plan, or I could run and hide. Everything was resting on me now, what I do will probably decide the fate of my kingdom, yet in the heat of the moment, I froze.

I didn’t even know what I was doing here. I thought being a magical human would be easy and fun, especially when the Destiny guider offered me a royal spot in my own kingdom, but all I’ve caused is pain. Not knowing what else to do, I changed back into my bird form and flew away.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · Jul 8, 2014

Hey Utopia!

I am heeere to give you a review, if I could. Livvy always gets most of it, if not all. So how am I gonna find anything to nitpick? Hmph. I shall merely do nice things, instead!

This was another amazing chapter, full of action, yet so full of emotion and dialogue, thought and character development--all at the same time. The chapter seemed to dwell at first on the village at Utopia?(I think that is where it is?) and how everything works, but then the entire chapter switched around in front of me, and then the ending. Boom! Right there, in my face, is her decision. Her decision to leave her own kingdom. That was a really important part of the piece, and it gave her an amazing character. Not only because it showed that she was brave, but not reckless, but she was willing to give up a royal spot to save the lives of those small children. There could have been other possibilities, but that one was the simplest and the one in the forefront of her mind. She had to go.

Isn’t it too risky then?’’ I asked.


Comma after "risky"

‘As you all know, Realm Reunion is the only place where all magical beings can live in harmony, if Eyeline destroys our planet, all Realms will break up into war. That is why we have to do mission blind eye, because the stakes are high. The downside is that our force field will be down for five seconds, to lure Eyeline in, but as soon as she approaches us she will be blast into smithereens. Yet, if Eyeline was to strike at our forces, there would have to be a battle, one in which the odds are more in her favour,’’ explained Ladwana.


As a general rule with doing dialogue, make sure that the reader knows who is doing the dialogue. So state the talker sooner than late. So I think here, make your paragraph: As you all know," Ladwana explained, "Realm Reunion...

but no-one should


This is something that people have enjoyed nitpicking for me... for. a long. time. So "no-one" should be "no one"

My last nitpick is concerning the villain in this chapter, Eyeline. I absolutely love her name. Its just so amazing. Buttt... you have it placed at forty thousand different places spread out all throughout your chapter, but especially in one certain paragraph. Its. Eyeline here, and an Eyeline there. Here and Eyeline, there an Eyeline. Everywhere an Eyeline. Old McEyeline had a far--

Well... I am losing myself there. xD You get the picture. Try to use alternative ways to name here occasionally, to avoid that redundancy.


I found something to nitpick! Yay! I feel like I have helped you today. :)

So this was a really cool chapter. I love the plot, which is so amazing and so, so deep. I love the plot twists and how everything works with your planet. Utopia seems so cool, and while this story seems like Science Fiction, Utopia seems to be in a stagnant state, meaning that it doesn't change with technology. Little children playing in the village is such an amazing visual. :)

This was perfect... :)
~Darth Timmyjake

Utopia replied · Jul 10, 2014

Thanks Timmy. I have a feeling you'll like the next chapter. Its a real question awnserer.

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jul 8, 2014

Hey there sis!

Oh wow, the top spy is deserting the mission? I wonder what could happen next. Everything is falling to pieces and without her, there is no one to stop anything, or save them! I hope there is a solution to this massive problem soon. Maybe the Utopians will even come in and salvage the mission. I don't know, but I guess only reading the next chapter will let me know. You better hurry up and post. ;) Also, I really liked the description you gave of Universe's land. It was nice to see how beautiful it was, even though it was in the middle of the mission. It showed us some motivation of hers, so we as readers could also see what she was busy fighting for. Keep up this great writing style!

One thing I am curious to know is, why is Eyeline so evil? Yes, apart from destroying the kingdom. But from the way they are all talking about her, it sounds like there have been previous acts of evil before. I want to know some of these, so we can understand why she is a villain and also feel prone to disliking her too. Also, why does she want to get rid of this planet in particular. Does she want the war to happen? Why? Although we do know Universe's motivation for trying to fight Eyeline, we also need to know Eyeline's reaosning for causing it.

the princess and only royal, of Realm Reunion.


The comma here is unnecessary.

I was here with some of the most powerful spies and protectors of all the entire Realms.


I feel like 'all the entire Realms' seemed a bit strange. What you could do here is tell us how many different realms there are, and add it into this sentence, replacing the awkward part. Like so (let's say there are four or something, just for the example.): ... some of the most powerful spies and protectors of the four Realms.

Realm Reunion is the only place where all magical beings can live in harmony, if Eyeline destroys our planet, all Realms will break up into war.


Okay, this is a perfect sentence. But, we want to know why Realm Reunion is the only place they can live in harmony. Is it because of the magic in the air, or because of the laws this realm has? Tell us why in particular! It seems strange that they can't maintain the same form of peace anywhere else. We need some good reasoning here as well.

That is why we have to do mission blind eye,


Two things. First off, instead of 'do' I think you need the word 'complete' because that's what people usually say when they refer to wrapping up a mission. Also, make sure you always capitalize all the words. So it should be Mission Blind Eye, seeing as it is a title. (Ooh I guess this explains why you never continued Mission Blind Eye as a separate story! You incorporated it into this one. Ohhh)

she will be blast to smithereens


Typo! *blasted.

and my heart sank to my boots, not an ordinary eye, an eye filled with pure evil


The first comma needs to be a full stop.

Eyeline truly is dangerous.


Seeing as the majority of this in past tense, I do believe you should stick to that one. So, in this case the 'is' should be a 'was'.

where was the back-ups?


Should be 'were' instead of 'was'.

I looked down to see my troops fighting Eyeline’s army.


I want to know what her troops look like! They do they just looks like Universe does, an alien from a Realm? Do they look like mini eyes, do they all have black eyes like Eyeline's? Or are they simply humans? Let us know!

I thought being a human would be easy and fun, especially when the destiny-guider offered me a royal spot in my own kingdom


I don't think you mean human in this sentence otherwise she wouldn't be sprouting wings or anything of that sort. I think you really meant to put top spy, or a princess or one of her other titles.

This was a great chapter as usual :) Keep up the awesome writing. You have great descriptions and I don't doubt you are going to continue working wonders with this story. Let me know when you post a new chapter!

Deanie x

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SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · Jul 8, 2014

Hep Utopia, Wolf here for a review.

So before I dive into content, I have one little technical suggestion. Throughout this chapter, I notice a little bit of switching back and forth between tenses. I assume this is supposed to be written in past tense, but here and there it slips into present tense, but it's so little and hardly noticeable, it barely detracts from the overall feel of this chapter. Here's one place I noticed in particular:

That’s me, Universe...

Now this seems so simple, but for some reason it really threw me off and made me stop to think, "Wait a second, what tense is this written in?" (I don't know, it may just be because my tired brain picks up more of little things like that.) So this is so small, usually it's unnoticeable, but the contraction 'that's' is of 'that' and 'is', therefore making it in present tense. Since you want past tense you want 'That was me, Universe..." Look out for little things like that.

I've successfully rambled about tenses. Anywho! I really liked this chapter, but in the first half I was a little confused. One question that pops into my head at this point in time is, "Is this all written in chronological order? Or does it jump around?" Also, I think this might have been mentioned before, but do the Utopians fight for Eyeline's army? Wasn't Universe's army just vanquished by Eyeline, if so, how is she heading to Earth? Those parts just don't really seem to click for me.

Still, I did like this a lot. The fighting scene was quite well done, and I could really picture an image in my mind of what's going on. You have very nice imagery here, and you do a great job establishing that the new perspective is Universe and you're even able to describe her very well, without making it stick out like a sore thumb. Great job! Hope to see more soon! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Utopia replied · Jul 10, 2014

The order will all make sense in the next chapter and most of your questions will be answered.



In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost