Redwing - Chapter 8.2

by Utopia

Published November 19, 2014

E - Everyone

In Redwing

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                I looked behind me and saw the Pengwing, still in flight. Claire had managed to get a hang of the wheel and had introduced it to Dawn; she was now keeping it in steadily in place in the sky. I was floating in the night sky in my mini-tornado, Claire next to me and Kelly below, all standing in front of the Pengwing, waiting for the Utopians to arrive. It felt weird, waiting to shoot down your own family and friends although; Claire did give us strict instructions not to hurt anyone. That’s why Kelly was beneath us, to catch any shot down pods and land them properly onto the waves of the huge Tortoise Lake.

                I observed the rope around my hand anxiously. A rope was coming out of Kelly’s left hand and was attached to my arm, allowing her to fly with me. It didn’t hurt much though, my wind was continuously blowing on the side of the rope, causing Kelly to swing forwards a little, taking some of the weight off my arm. Claire was sort of floating on her front, but above her were huge dragon-like wings, not attached to her, but above her back, just above were they would be attached, always flapping. It was one of the rare times I saw Claire use her animal powers. It looked like she would be using them a lot more on this mission.

                ‘There!’’ Kelly shouted up at me. Sure, enough I spotted three huge search pods in the distance. Three Pengwings could fit inside one of those. When they spotted us, their ship fronts opened, ready to collect us in. My heart rushed with adrenaline awaiting Claire’s signal.

                ‘Kelly, Wendy. Ready?’’ Claire stretched her arms out and held her hands up. In front of her hands, spinning tentacles appeared and started squirting ink. Claire, her wings and her tentacles, dived forwards. The pods must have been taken by surprise as Claire covered the pods’ windows in black ink. Search pods don’t usually carry very big missiles and I don’t think they wanted to shoot at us, so that was no problem. The problem was they were also Utopians and also had powers.

                A scream rang out from inside the pod on the right, a glass-shattering scream. All the windows on the two pods smashed into a thousand shimmering shards. Sonic sound, there was only one person that could be: Duma. Now the search pod team could see out the window’s again, I didn’t wait a moment longer. Cutting through the sky, I flew in between the search pods and slammed down all my strength on the two ships.

               ‘Kelly go!’’ I screamed. The pod seemed to be sparking with electricity as it hurtled towards the lake, must be Betty, trying to get a hold on the ship. The pod was spinning out of control towards the wave less, dark depths of Tortoise Lake. Why hadn’t they stopped yet? I looked down at Kelly. A rope was extending out of her hand, but clearly not fast enough to catch the out of control pods. My strength was gone from that big push so Kelly started weighing me down. Come on Wendy, think, think! Move fast, fast! My brain was confused and terrified sending useless thoughts and ideas pinging through my head. My brain seemed to be out of order, so my body acted by itself. With all my strength, I swung Kelly back and forth before releasing her into the direction of the crashing pods. She grabbed them both, one rope from each hand, curling around the two pods, but they were still hurtling down.

                ‘Claire… help… me…’’ Kelly was pulling with all her might.

                Claire swooped down towards her, circling one of the escape pods. I knew I couldn’t help, all my strength was completely drained and it took effort to stay in the sky. A huge, thick spider web started to form in front of Claire. She stretched out her arms and the spider web swallowed up the pod. It looked almost like a pod in a spider web shopping bag. Kelly let go of the pod Claire was holding and focused on the left one. My heart started racing, they were just seconds away from the lake. Closing my eyes I heard a huge splash. Claire flew up to me, Kelly holding onto one of her wings.

                ‘Quick! To the Pengwing! With Betty aboard they’ll be out of there soon!’’ I grabbed onto Claire’s other wing as she passed me, my mini-tornado letting up altogether. I clutched onto the hard scales, the wind almost blowing me off. Two seconds before we were about to re-enter the Pengwing, I was certain my muscles would give up on me and I’d be blast back and smash down into the terrifying black water below, but Page was waiting for us and pulled me on board.

                ‘I’d love to tell you guys it’s all over, but I’m afraid there’s a lot more to go,’’ Page said, dragging Kelly aboard while Claire and I caught our breathe. ‘Aura, check the exits are all ready, you’re going to have to be the first one to jump out. Billy, grab anything you can out the cupboards. Teya… tell Dawn it’s time to crash. We’re ready,’’ Page sighed.

                Kelly was panting uncontrollably. I helped her up on one side and Page the other. I had never been so exhausted and so desperate in my whole life. Together, we managed to drag her to the exit.

                ‘Ready to jump!’’ called Billy from behind.

                Page nodded at me. The ship began dropping, fast and Dawn appeared behind us.

                ‘We’re falling! It’s now or never!’’ she cried over the sound of the wind as it blew us backwards. Even with my strength down, I couldn’t feel the ferocious wind pushing me back as much as the other girls did. Kelly’s arm jerked me out of the plane and into the sky again. The feeling of falling was a tremendous one. My body felt like a feather with my arms out-stretched and my stomach dropping. Falling was normal for me, and I was not scared, but I had never dropped this far and this fast before. A powerful jerk brought me out of the falling moment. An octopus tentacle wrapped around me and slammed me into Kelly and Aura. We all were huddled up in a tight circle, held up by Claire’s strong, beautiful wings. We gently landed in a ginormous bush.

                Claire sighed and laid-back on the soft grass.

                ‘Almost there now! Aura, as we planned,’’ Page looked up at the falling Pengwing ship.

                Aura took a deep breathe, using your powers for the first time was never easy and Aura seemed a little anxious to fit in and prove herself. ‘Wh-what if it doesn’t work?’’ she asked.

                ‘C’mon Aura! You’re the only one who can help us now,’’ I urged.

                She took another deep breathe and rose up her arms in the direction of the ship. A bright light started pouring out of the Pengwing’s windows, a blinding light. The ship started to shake and in a huge boom, it exploded into a million pieces.

               ‘Let them try and find bodies in that wreck,’’ muttered Page as the remaining pieces hit the surface of Tortoise lake.

                ‘Yeah, as far as the search pod team are concerned, we re-entered the ship and it exploded. Since the ship is burnt to a crisp by one of Aura’s mini-supernovas made bigger, all they can do is assume were dead and report that back to base. Nice work Aura, I knew you could do it,’’ I stated.

                ‘So they’ll stop chasing us now right?’’ Teya watched as the two search pods rose up into the sky.

                Kelly gasped and winced. She laid-back on the grass, eyes closed, and held her hands up. In the middle of her hands, there were deep cuts were her ropes would come out from. Dawn gasped.

                ‘Too much strain… Can’t use ropes till they heal,’’ Kelly mumbled, eyes still closed.

                Dawn pulled a bag out of her pocket. She laid it on the ground and grabbed a paintbrush and a colour picker. She gently placed the colour picker on a patch of Kelly’s skin and it filled up with her skin pattern. She rubbed the colour picker on the bristles of the paintbrush and cautiously painted around Kelly’s cut. The paint magically filled itself in and skin hardened across Kelly’s cut. Kelly opened her eyes, to look at Dawn’s work and smiled. ‘Now I understand why you were assigned mission nurse,’’ she mumbled, closing her eyes again and resting her head back on the ground.

                ‘We’ll stay here for now and head to the Destiny Guider’s island tomorrow. Since it’s still quite early we’ll wake up rather early and make it there at round about 3:00,’’ Claire stretched and laid-down. Two bat ears appeared a few centimetres from Claire’s real ears. ‘I’ll wake everyone up if I hear anything.’’ Claire pointed at the sky, ‘If you wake up and the sun is on the right side of this tree, go back to sleep, if it’s above or on the right side, wake us up.’’

                We all laid-down except for Billy. I could sense his eyes as he scanned each one of us. Maybe he was still uncertain about this, he understood everything, but that doesn’t mean he agrees or even wants to help. Staying with six girls couldn’t be easy and after what Aura did, he was the only one who didn’t know anything about his powers. He must feel lonely, left out and confused. I hugged my knees and closed my eyes. Billy couldn’t want to not help, what just happened was exhilarating. I managed to convince myself that waking him up was the best thing I could’ve done.

 

                I moaned and turned over.

                ‘C’mon Wendy! Get up! It’s urgent!’’ Teya was shaking my shoulders so much my whole body vibrated.

                I looked up briefly at the tree. ‘The sun’s still on the left side, Teya,’’ I grumbled, laying back down again and closing my eyes.

                ‘Yeah but… I think Billy’s dead!’’ she cried. My eyes instantly flew open. As I crawled past all the girls to where I remember Billy being, Teya woke them all and whispered the news to every one of them. I didn’t know what to find, since Teya was young, she could be exaggerating or making things up, but I wasn’t going to take my chances.

                I found him lying on his side, eyes closed. I cautiously turned him over and gently shook him. Was that hard enough? Shouldn’t he be awake by now? I started shaking him harder and harder till it looked like I was trying to kill him. Please wake up, please wake up!

                ‘Wendy!’’ Dawn stood over me, paint bag in hand. Reluctantly, I moved aside so she could inspect Billy, but when she stood back up, her hands were shaking. ‘No pulse,’’ she whispered. Teya screamed.

                ‘I just don’t understand what could’ve hap-‘’ I stopped and looked back down at Billy’s now open eyes.

                ‘Wow,’’ he whispered. The sound that came next could only be described as terribly out of tune ambulance sirens. Every girl screamed at the top of her lungs, terrified out of their wits.

                ‘What on earth just happened!’’ Kelly cried.

                ‘I could… I could… it was so weird. I woke up next to my body. I could see it, I saw Wendy shaking it, but I didn’t feel it, and she didn’t see me.’’ Billy was shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn’t say anything more, but it was too late now, he had all of us hooked, staring wide-eyed at him.

                ‘Ātmā magic,’’ Page explained, her nose buried in a book, ‘Ātmā, being soul in Hindi, allows the user to let their soul escape from their body. It can then move around, see things, possess people, all but, unfortunately, walk through walls.’’ She closed her book and it turned back into her portable library box.

                Billy, still shaking, nodded uneasily.

                ‘We should head in the direction of the Destiny Guider now, I know it’s early but that means we have even more time till dark.’’ Claire stood up and brushed grass off her jeans. ‘Dawn.’’

                Dawn reached into her paint bag and brought out a silver paintbrush out. ‘Follow me in or you’ll be left behind. These definitely don’t last very long, are quite clumsy and not very efficient, but they’re our last hope,’’ she said. She drew a large circle in front of her with the paintbrush. At first, nothing happened, but after a few seconds the circle she drew became a spinning turmoil of colours. Faint reds, purples and blues spun around at confusing speed. Dawn stuck her finger in and it didn’t come out the other end. She completely walked in and disappeared. A bemused Billy, fascinated Aura and interested Page all followed. One by one, we all entered Dawn’s spinning portal. By the time I stepped through, only an extremely light and pale blue colour was slowly spinning around in the portal.

                A weird, watery sensation passed over my whole body as I stepped through and out the other end.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · Feb 22, 2015

Hey, Utopia!

First sentence in there and I've already gotten a thought. Remind me what the Pengwing is again? I feel like it was mentioned recently, but maybe elaborate on this more for very forgetful people like me? :P

Ohhhh, this has to be my favorite chapter. The action scene was really nice, always showing and describing everything in a good detail so I could see what was going on, for the most part. There's only one thing that I'm sort of confused about. How big are these pods? How are they so small that it's possible to move one around while hitting it? I imagine them as large metal spheres big enough to hold multiple people, but if that's so, how is any of this effective? Let alone being able to catch them and put them on the water below. Maybe describe these pods more, showing their size a lot better in comparison to other things.

Another thing I sort of notice is I'm not quite sure where they are. From the last couple chapters, I was under the impression that they are over a very large ocean, but this time they talk about a bush and water? Please elaborate more on their surroundings and where everything is at in comparison to one another.

Little nitpick ~

...but above her were huge dragon-like wings, not attached to her, but above her back, just above were they would be attached...


Just reading this made me have to go back and reread to understand. I think it just says the thing twice, how the wings aren't attached, but just above her. Clean it up a little bit so that it will flow better and make slightly more sense.

My brain was confused and terrified sending useless thoughts and ideas pinging through my head. My brain seemed to be out of order...


I bet you can see the problem here again is repetition. Just maybe combine these sentences together or rephrase one of them. They are just the same sentence with different words.

Anyway, I'm quite happy to be caught up and you're going a great job in this! Can't wait to see more. Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Dec 12, 2014

Heya sis!

It feels so good to be caught up with at least one of the novels I am following. So let's make this the best review that I can!

What I loved so much about this chapter was the battle that went on between her friends and her. I liked hearing about other people's powers and how they were trying to contradict what Claire and her group were doing - especially Duma with her sonic sound. It was pretty cool :D I also really liked when we got to find out Billy's power. I wonder where you're managing to find all these cool ideas for powers and the way they work! Each one seems to bring the characters to life in a different way and helps build them up in personality. It's something that is pretty cool to see. Overall, in terms of action this was one of my favourite chapters. I love how the creativity is shining through in your writing and I can't wait to read the future chapters if they are going to be like this as well. Now, let's have a bit of feedback. I have a few nitpicks for you so you can tidy up the quality of this draft, and one or two novel points as well.

I would've liked to have seen a bit more of her emotions through the battle as well. I mean, she is putting the people she loves - friends and family - possibly in harms way. Although they don't intend to harm anyone, in a plan as dangerous as this one so many different things could go wrong, and then where would they be? So I feel like it only makes sense if she has more thoughts of worry or a sense of guilt or betrayal welling up in her gut. It would've just been a nice addition to the story and an extra detail to bring things more alive. Remember, emotion is what puts a story into drive!

she was now keeping it in steadily in place in the sky.


You don't need the first 'in' in this sentence.

It felt weird, waiting to shoot down your own family and friends although; Claire did give us strict instructions not to hurt anyone.


This should actually be 'waiting to shoot down your own family and friends even though Claire gave us strict... etc.'

At one point you mentioned how it was one of the first times they were getting to see Claire use her animal powers. Afterwards the statement was simply brushed over like it didn't matter in the slightest. But I wanted to know whys she hasn't used her powers often before then. Is she ashamed of how they make her look? Has she not mastered how to use them as well as the others and is ashamed of it? Or has she just not had a need for it yet? Make sure any strands of things you say that might ignite interest are carried through with.

She took another deep breathe


This is the same mistake as I mentioned in the previous review. You're mixing the two similar but very different in definition words. To breathe is the verb, the actual act of breathing. But a breath is the thing you inhale when you breathe. I hope this helps you understand the difference!

were deep cuts were her ropes would come out from


I think you meant for the second 'were' to actually be 'where.'

I feel like Billy should say more. He doesn't know his own power and yet he has just seen all these amazing things happen right before his eyes, even if he wasn't able to contribute to it. So far his character has been one which is kind of pushed to the side and hushed up - and it shouldn't need to be like that. I feel like he needs to be someone who has something to say. Maybe he just wants to talk over everything that is happening so he can full understand the weight of it, or perhaps he is worried that his own powers will not come through. He is a pretty unique character when it comes to this novel because he is out of his element here... so let him have some of the focus!

but that doesn’t mean he agrees or even wants to help.


The whole of this novel has been written in past tense, but you switch to present tense here accidently! It should be 'but that didn't mean he agreed or even wanted to help.'

I feel like there should be more of a reaction to Billy's power. Yes, they did a good job at panicking when they assumed he was dead and then comes back into his body. But when they find out it is his power, all they do is read what it is from a book and then continue to go about their own business. I feel like they should ask him what it was like a bit more, and maybe even try to extend the ability of his powers if it isn't too soon? In their situation they probably need everyone's help to make this mission work and be successful, even Billy's although he just got it! So just make them have a bit more of a reaction.

That aside... there really is nothing left for me to say. The plot is continually moving forward, and I can't wait to see where this portal is taking them. I hope somewhere good! I am looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the brilliant writing, and just watch out for those nitpicks!

Deanie x

User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review
BrumalHunter wrote a review Review · Nov 30, 2014

Salutations.

What immediately strikes me about this chapter is your formatting. I understand your use of indents, since I use them myself, but I think you went far overboard with this one. My indents are usually three presses of the "SPACE" button long, whereas yours appear to be more than fifteen. Also, while I use indents in my manuscript when I write in Microsoft Word, I don't use it when I post my work here on YWS, since they automatically put spacing between paragraphs. Adding indents therefore makes the work appear very chaotic, which is quite the opposite of what you were trying to achieve. Hence, I suggest using indents to heart's desire, as long as it's not on YWS.

The story itself is really interesting though. Your characters' methods of transport are as extraordinary as they are varying. I don't know what this "Pengwing" is, but had I read your previous chapters, I am sure that would not have been the case. For that, I apologise. Nevertheless, I think you could ahve put more effort into describing the setting in the first part of this chapter (or rather, in the first part of this part of the chapter). The second part of this part is much more rich in imagery, and the imagery is better as well.

Your Hindi magic is quite interesting as well, but the best part of the chapter is where Dawn "paints" the portal with her silver brush. The description of said portal is effective, but it could have been more powerful. The last sentence, however, made little to no sense. I don't know whether is because of my not having read the previous chapters, but if it is, I suppose it is my fault.

Continue writing and enjoy your Review Day!

This review courtesy of
Image

Deanie replied · Dec 12, 2014

Eh, I will admit the formatting issue is my own. I was uploading this for her and then YWS wouldn't work with me >< So I left it as it was.

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TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · Nov 21, 2014

Timmy here!

I thought I would get to your piece before anyone else does *looks around for Livvy everywhere*. It's usually a contest to see who gets to the pieces first, since we seem to review the same piece as the other just about every time. xD But let's move onto the review now, and spend my little bit of time as wisely as I can. Oh, yes. Let's spend it wisely. hee-hee

Onto the review. Just get in where you can and hang ooon.

-- First thing I noticed while reading through is a level of redundancy in the second paragraph, and traces of it throughout the piece, but mostly in that single paragraph. Rope is repeated throughout that paragraph many times. Sometimes it is rather difficult to avoid saying the same thing over and over, because there aren't many or any synonyms you can choose to avoid repeating. So what do you do? First, you know there is going to be redundancy. It doesn't matter what the piece is, or who the writer is. There will be at least some element of redundancy throughout. One time I edited my work so many times my eyes hurt. A week later, I came back and found so much more redundancy. It's just there, no matter who or what piece is being addressed. The only way you can find the easier stuff is by looking at it and really reading it out loud. That always worked well for me. Then, underline the word ( in this case, rope), and after you've finished, look over the paragraph or section with the redundancy and try to reshape the piece to cut out as many mentions of that word as you can... but still giving over the same idea to your readers and reminding them it's a rope. Mentioning the object more than once is fine - necessary in almost every case to remind the reader. But after three or four mentions, it starts to become redundancy. Especially when in each consecutive sentence like you had.

Um, yeah. I rambled on. Sorry. *smiles sheepishly*

held up by Claire’s strong, beautiful wings.


So in this place here, I felt a little left out. You mention this girl has wings, which is normally enough to make someone's eyes bug out of their sockets in astonishment. But since this is a fantasy novel, we're taking it all in strides. That isn't the problem. I love the fact that you're so imaginative and have such wonderful abilities for your characters. Some things should be worked on with their abilities, though, and I think the biggest point you should work on is describing them. Sometimes, it seems as though you're missing half a sentence of description which would really just open my eyes to their abilities - others, like the part above, seem like they are missing a few sentences. A few of the description are just to visualize the scene (like the one above kind of falls in-between, and the description would help us to both understand her power and to visualize the wings better), and others are for the power. Whichever the case, I would look through this and read every description carefully, asking yourself: "Does this establish her strength well?" And I think you'll have it covered. :)

For me, I saw Malificent's wings on Claire... and that was just because they were the last human-like wings I have seen. So I think you could tweak and add with the description above, and go into more detail on their special abilities. For the reader's benefit, you should - not all at once. But just focus on like, let's say, Dawn's ability for a chapter. Allow everyone around her to use their abilities just the same, but really bring it down and bring the focus to her for one small bit - giving us more detail on her power. I think that would really help it. :)

I think you're doing a wonderful job with this chapter, and everything is really getting just concrete - not your style, but the plot, the characters. I can visualize all of them very well, and their actions and what and why they're doing. It's really an amazing thing. And your style? I can definitely see the changes in that since you began this novel, and you've just gone forward so much on it. You've really come far since the first chapter... and I thought that one was well written. O.O Keep writing like this, Simone, and this story will keep me riveted to the page foreverrrrr. <3
~Darth Timmyjake



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