Page looked at Claire, ‘We need to continue with take-off,’’ Page said, softly.
‘Okay, take the others and wake her up while I explain to him why on earth he’s here.’’ Claire lowered her voice and softened, ‘Poor soul, I wonder how he woke up.’’ She quickly gave Teya a suspicious look. She clearly thought Teya’s time spell had done something, which meant Teya’s power was more than she had told Claire. I felt guilty, knowing Claire trusted Teya a little less on my behalf.
Following
Claire’s orders, Page led us all back to the seats were Aura
was laying.
‘Any ideas?’’ asked Kelly.
‘Smelling salts, we need smelling salts. My earth mother used to sell them at her drug store.’’ Dawn grew excited at the thought of her idea. All I could think about was the conversation going on between Claire and Blue eyes. I could hear their angry whispers behind us.
‘Right.’’ Page took her silver box out of her pocket and turned it into a science book on smelling. Turning the book in her hands before opening it, she quickly skimmed a few pages, ‘Ah ha!’’ she found the word ‘smelling salts’ and brushed over it gently. Placing the book back in her pocket, she grabbed Dawn’s hands and made her hold them out. I watched, wide-eyed and amazed, as Page held up her hands and small, wriggly vowels started pouring out. They all ended up on Dawn’s hand and connected together to form a solid object.
‘Smelling salts!’’ Dawn cried.
‘I’m not certain that I copied the smell exactly right, but they should be enough to wake her up. I’m not quite sure what we’re going to tell her though. Let’s just try these out first.’’
Dawn held her nose with her left hand while waving the salts in front of Aura’s nose with the other. Another breathe was all it took for Aura’s nose to start twitching. She woke with a start.
‘Phoooeeeeee!’’ she cried, her voice still groggy and dazed. She looked round at all of us but her eyes settled on me and Kelly. They hesitated, then her cry quickly turned into a scream. Claire and Blue eyes turned around, surprised.
‘Get out! Just get out of my house!’’ Aura thrust her face at mine and hollered. We all blinked back at her, stunned.
‘Um, this isn’t you’re house. This is the Pengwing. We can talk later, but right now we really need one of your mini stars.’’
‘Page! That’s a nice first impression, ordering her around. She’s in shock.’’ Dawn turned to Aura. ‘It’s okay sweetie, nobody’s going to hurt you. Wendy, use the wind again,’’ Dawn had knelt down in front of the seat where Aura rest her head and was introducing her role as the mother of the group. Still unsteady and guilty of Aura’s fright of me and Kelly, I raised my hands and let a powerful blast of air escape from them. I could sense Blue eyes’ eyes fixed on me as my air current whipped past Aura’s hair. Tiny dots started to appear, little, delicate and delightful.
‘They’re here: ten guards, soldiers and a handful of nurses,’’ announced Kelly, stepping back from the window.
Quickly,
I concentrated on one shimmering dot and tried to blow it towards the
back of the ship. It was hard to control, but eventually I managed to
insert it into the little hole at the back of the ship. Wincing, I
touched it and instantly got blown backwards by an incredible wave of
energy. As I hit the floor, the ship jerked forward and zoomed across
the canal. We blasted into open air and headed for the sky.
Claire rushed back into the controls room and Page and Kelly
followed. Dawn, refusing to leave Aura’s side, clutched her
hands and tried to coax Aura into calming down. Blue eye’s just
stood there, staring out a window, frowning down at the world below.
I dashed to Teya’s side.
‘It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay,’’ I started, trying to reassure myself more than Teya. ‘We’re on a mission to save the world at twelve years old. We know where we’re going, we know how to fly this thing. We really thought this through, we have things to eat. We don’t have two passengers aboard who have no idea how they got here or what they are doing here. They aren’t terrified out of their wits of us and we don’t have to convince them not to hate us. It’s alright Teya… alright.’’
She raised her eyebrows up and me, ‘Whatever you say.’’
Everyone seemed to have a job, so I sat down at the seat nearest to the control room, all the while clutching on to Teya like my life depended it. I knew Teya didn’t need any help and was perfectly capable of sitting down on a seat herself and staying there, but I held on nonetheless. Without any arrangement, my job was taking care of Teya. Curious, I looked through the small window in the control room door and listened as hard as I could.
‘Page?’’ Claire took her eyes off the sky for a second to glance back at her.
‘Yes?’’ Page looked up from the navigation system.
‘I know it’s exhausting, but we need everyone on this ship to know our destination, our cause and our mission.’’ I knew who she was referring to. ‘There are still two passengers on board who have no idea what they’re doing here and we don’t have time to spin them a tale they won’t believe anyway, the emergency pods will be after us soon and we need all the help we can get.’’
I was curious. What was exhausting? How could it help explain things to Blue eyes and Aura? My eye’s followed Page around the room as she walked towards Dawn. She didn’t look like she felt very happy with being given the task of the ‘exhausting explanation’. She took her box out and it turned into a blank book. In flipping through the pages, words started to form.
‘Utopians,’’ reluctantly, I slowly turned my eyes away from Page, Dawn and Aura to look at the back of Claire through the window. ‘The emergency pods are gaining, we need a plan.’’
‘We could die,’’ Kelly mumbled, looking at the floor.
‘Ha, ha, very funny,’’ grumbled Claire, clutching the wheel.
‘No I mean, make them think we’re dead.’’ Kelly looked up in excitement at her idea. ‘That ought to stop the chase. The only thing is… how?’’ Kelly looked back down at the floor.
I turned down to look at Teya, who was also listening. ‘How…’’ I mumbled, deep in thought. Fake a crash? But how we get to the Destiny Guider without a ship? Even if we did crash, what would stop the Utopians from searching through the wreckage for survivors and still keep searching for us when they found no bodies? ‘Hmm…’’ still holding onto Teya, I stood up and slowly walked into the control room, lost in thought.
‘Claire? What would happen if the ship crashed? Is it possible to crash this ship in a way that it could still be functional?’’ I asked, leaning over Kelly’s shoulders, scanning the numerous rows of flashing lights and buzzing buttons.
‘Uh… um…’’ Claire looked down in embarrassment.
‘She’s still figuring out how to fly this thing, let alone knows her way around it,’’ Kelly answered for her causing Claire to pout like a five year old.
‘What do you mean, she’s flying it right now.’’ Teya walked up next to Claire.
‘Um… not really. Page… Page entered the co-ordinates of the nearest lake, and the ship is automatically getting there.’’ Claire slowly let her hands slip from the wheel and look down. ‘I may be good at issuing orders but I’m not a professional mission leader and this is only my second mission. I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry.’’ I was horrified. It was always reassuring to know at least someone knew what she was doing, to have someone that would fix every problem. Now, this whole idea seemed hopeless.
There was a silence. ‘I could run a check on the ship’s capability,’’ Kelly offered.
‘Yes… yes, and Wendy, you better check on Page. I’ll try and figure out how to drive this thing.’’ I was glad to see Claire back to her normal ways. I also was secretly thrilled on being given the job of checking on Page so I could find out what was going on. As I pushed open the swing door to exit the control room, I decided to act as calm as I could in front of Blue eyes and Aura.
‘Hey, Page. How’s it going?’’ Page appeared to be just finished with whatever she was doing and was sitting down and catching her breathe while Dawn stared at her with anxious eyes.
‘Um… Page? What did you do?’’ I asked.
‘Knowledge transfer,’’ answered Dawn, ‘Page wrote down the stories of all that happened and Billy and Aura saw it all happen vividly in their minds.’’
‘We understand everything, and we want to help,’’ Aura smiled.
‘She may have missed out some minor details about the sick pod and enrolling Aura,’’ Dawn whispered. I wasn’t listening to any of them. Billy? That was Blue eyes name? It just didn’t feel like it suited my blue eyed boy. I smiled at him, and he smiled back.
‘Ok, guys,’’ Claire entered, followed by Kelly and Teya, ‘we have a plan.’’
End of chapter
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Hey, Utopia!
Oh, so it seems that everything is starting to come together, slowly but surely. They got this pod and are sailing away (somewhat safely, as they are still being chased) and it seems like they can kind of handle themselves. I'm quite curious as to where they are off to next.
Quick little thing that threw me off was first was the very last sentence where it is said that they have a plan. It seems so simple, but just by what had happened, with Aura wanting to help and get to know what's going on, I thought it was some concluding statement. Like they'd all been gathered around in a meeting for this plan and they had got the final touches, so Claire said, "We have a plan." But I realized afterwards that they had just come up with the plan. I recommend you add some extra words of uncertainty, like, "I think we have a plan," or "we have a plan which might work." Little things like that.
This one sentence really confused me, and I couldn't quite understand what was going on. Actual vowels like 'a, e, i, o, and u' were being sent out of her hands? Is this what you meant? That seems rather confusing. Why vowels? Why not just the actual smelling salts are copied? Please explain more what is happening and what Page is doing. Then it goes on further to explain how they combined into a block? So the letters are forming like a block, like a word?
Another rather minor thing that I noticed when reading these back to back is that the word 'wriggly' is used quite often, once here and nearly three or four times in the last part. Maybe think of a better word that can describe the nouns more accurately than wriggly.
When I was reading this part, I also got confused since a lot of that stuff that Wendy (I figured out her name, yes!) was naming off wasn't true. So how could they be thankful for it when it wasn't happened? Was it meant to be ironic and satirical? Please elaborate more on this or clarify it.
Anyways, this seemed a lot more like a transition part, which isn't bad, since everyone needs kind of a slower moment. And yes they are pressed on time, but not too much action is happening and I like it. You did a nice job with this.
One final thing that I'm wondering is why is it so bad that they took this pod? I can sort of understand that it's stealing and all that, but is there a specific reasoning? A specific law against it all? Has this been mentioned before and I just forgot? Maybe! But think about this kind of thing and maybe find a way to smoothly mention it. Anyways, nice chapter! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hi sis!
I am here to do my best for reviewing! I know this is only the first part of a chapter, and I found it to be much of a filler one. That means nothing too important was happening, and but this chapter is essential for our understanding of whatever is going to happen next. We got to see the group working efficiently together and we finally get to see that they are a team - everyone has a task to do and everyone knows what it is. They confess to each other what they do and don't know, but instead of panicking for too long they put their heads together and find a way to help overcome the problem. I liked seeing that, and it brought an element of family to their friends. And as well as that, we get a name for Blue Eyes and Aura get in on the secret. I am glad they want to help, and I wonder what use they might be to the group ^^
I was wondering, when people shoot each other suspicious looks, they are not always so discrete about these things because the intent is for them to be seen. I couldn't help but wonder if Teya managed to catch the suspicious look thrown her way and how it made her feel. Would she defend herself or seemingly think she had done something wrong herself and look away ashamed? I think this might be something nice to include because then it could tell us something about Teya's character as well. Small details like this are what readers crave and love.
You might be correct in saying laying, but I think lying would be more appropriate here? You might want to give that one a quick double check online though.
Seeing as his nickname is Blue eyes, the whole thing needs capitalizing, which means the 'e' of 'eyes' as well. You don't do this anywhere in the chapter so make sure you edit it for every time you use it.
A science book about smelling? In my opinion, that seems to generalized. Sure, you get huge books like that sometimes, but I am sure there are plenty of books solely dedicated to smelling salts. It doesn't even need to be a scientific one. So maybe mention how it's a book about smelling salts and be a bit more specific that way.
Here you have made the common mistake on YWS that I see a lot. You mean breath but instead you put breathe there. What you need is to remember that to breathe is the verb. And the thing you breathe in is a breath. Hopefully that will help you avoid the same mistake in the future.
I feel like you need to be careful with the amount of main characters you have. Having so many in a single room can be confusing for the reader because they have to remember who is who and which power belongs to which person. I am sure you can understand how that gets a bit confusing at points. So what you need to do is limit the amount of people in a scene at a time. Don't have all the girls there focused in detail in every scene. Yes, mention them collectively as you will. But maybe choose to have only three girls engaging in conversations or making moves that matter. We want the reader to be focused on them so later we get to hear about the others. Hopefully that will make dialogue easier when it comes to adding in the tags, and will be less confusing for the reader overall.
You don't need an apostrophe in the word eyes in this sentence. I also found it a bit repetitive because in the previous sentence we have the name Blue Eyes and then four words down we get the word eyes repeated again. Maybe it would be nice to fill this with a different synonym... like her 'gaze' or whatever else you want to substitute in.
Technically, that sentence is a question so within the speech marks we need to see that question mark. It would also be nice if we got a better sense of Teya's panic in her voice. Yes, she just heard that the person who is driving is someone who can't even drive! Panic a little, in her actions at least. Have Teya raise her voice, wring her hands frantically and her eyes dart from side to side in worry, or make her more verbal about it. I don't know, but I feel like this news should evoke more emotion!
Also, are Aura and Blue Eyes alright with the sudden transfer or knowledge. There is no side affect to suddenly knowing everything? Their brains don't feel bombarded and clouded with a headache, they immediately understand everything and now they want to help. It almost seems to easy and too convenient. I feel like there should be some side affects thrown in there to make the transfer more interesting as well.
I don't think I have anything more to say! I did like this chapter, even though I have been really fussy about it. I know I am behind, so I will be reading the second part to his as soon as I can. Keep writing this awesome stuff, sis. I love seeing you improve and enjoying it as well :3
Deanie x
CesareBorgiam here for a review (Duh -.-)
This story is a real page turner, I really loved it, I couldn't stop reeding it. Even though I had no clue what soever what was going on, I somehow managed to read it.
There are several nitpicks in the latest installment of your novel.
For some reason, the begginning of the quotation mark has one comma, and the other has two. o.o
I also love how in this line:
You referred to the "Utopians" it gives me a way to grasp on to what is going on here.
Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia
Timmy here!
Nothing like actually getting to one of your pieces on time, right? This is definitely a first, and I am going to try and keep it this way. Being there right away is always nice for the author, and you're special. <3
I find it is easier for me to review full length chapters like this by reading through them and just commenting as I go along. I remember everything this way. ^.^ Ready? Juss hang on!
technical: period after Claire - not a comma. The sentence is disjointed and run-on as it is.
One thing that I have a hard time with in here is finding each of the characters in these conversations. Having five or six characters in a conversation is rather difficult to do - especially if they are all talking about the same thing. Names jumble together, as does the speech... and soon after, the reader is lost and doesn't even know what is going on. So in this one, it wasn't too bad - I could still tell mostly who was talking and such (my brain felt like it had been put in a blender before I read this piece, so it may just be me). But when I read through the conversations, and especially towards the end of the piece, I started to lose track of who was talking, and what was happening, because there were so many interrupting characters and people butting in, this person saying that - and then disappearing for a few paragraphs before saying something else.
With conversations involving more than two characters, you have to balance the dialogue very carefully, and balance the character interaction even more carefully. What I would actually do is limit the conversation to three people or less. That way the reader can focus down on them - all other characters fading into the background. But the other characters can't just be standing around, can they? So what you do is always give the other characters something to do. You have Bob (random name) go over and eat chips in the corner, and the character is taken care of... until his bag of chips is gone. You have Philmore (random name again) over working on some machine to help their cause, and must concentrate and keep quiet while working. Each character must have something to do, but they don't have to be actively participating in each conversation. Bring the focus down to a smaller level - at the two main characters of the moment - and not only will we be able to understand the conversation better, but the reader will be more focused on the character, and you will find it easier to develop them in our eyes.
You are really good at action. You know that? And keeping the scene super tense. I like how you're keeping this characters so, so realistic. A lot of younger authors make their characters super heroes straight from the start, and are capable of anything. But with you... not only are they weak and young - having to learn what to do and having a difficult time of things - but none of them can do things by themselves. They must work as a team in order to do what has to be done, which brings them closer together and us closer to them at the same time.
Onto the next part! Keep going. You have got this. <3
~Timmy
Thanks Timmy. I was struggling a bit with the conversations and you were completely right with them getting confusing.