The first part was merely the introduction...or a test. This is the next part, which Is longer, and more explanatory.
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I pick up the blanket and wrap it around my bulky shoulders, along with a pair of thin, smaller ones. They belonged to my girlfriend, Holly.
"Thanks," she says as I snuggle close to her, wrapping my arm around her and brining her closer to me. Her head instantly drops to my shoulder and I let her forehead lie there.
"What movie are we watching tonight?" I ask.
Holly picks up the television remote and presses the red on button. "I have The Notebook recorded, but I could always rent one."
I shake my head and chuckle. "That's a perfect movie," I whisper, kissing the top of her head. "You straightened your hair...I like it curly."
"Oh," Holly's face falls and her fingers lock into the waist-long brunet locks. "I didn't know, I'm sorry."
I bring my finger under her chin and lift it up so my blue eyes are matching with her crystalizing sea green ones. "I didn't mean it in offense. I love your hair no matter what! I love you however you look, I swear."
-
I shake my head to get the memory out of it. I place my tray on the table, next to where Jay is sitting.
"Don't you care about what happened yesterday?" Jay asks me, stealing a chicken nugget off my lunch tray.
I shake my head. "No. It wasn't really working out," I lie.
Mark suppresses a snicker. "Kyle, the two of you were voted the cutest couple since freshman year, that's 3 years! You're obviously lying to us."
I roll my eyes and take a bite of my apple. "Really, she wasn't that good anyway."
I hate myself for lying like this. These were my best friends, after all. The truth was that I was crushed. I cried myself to sleep and I wouldn't eat dinner. Under the table I rock my feet back and forth, a habit I've enquired when I got nervous or upset.
Jay and Mark exchange glances and burst out laughing. I force a smile and shake my head again. My chest feels heavy and thick like molasses. My feet pick up the pace and I feel tears swim in the corner of my eyes. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve.
"Aw! Kyle's crying!" Jay exclaims rather loudly.
"Jay, shut up," I say sternly. I take a deep breath and pick up a French Fry, but I quickly lose my appetite and I place the fry back down. I then stand up. "You know, I have to finish some homework for Hector's class."
With that, I pick up my tray and start walking to the garbage can. I can hear my friends murmur sentences about me. "You still love her, Kyle!" I hear Mark yell.
I still love her, I think.
-
So yah. it's a flashback and stuff. so basically the main character is kyle and him and his friends are in the 11th grade which is junior.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello, my friend.
First, I think you can do a lot with this. Even though this is a short story, you have set it up in a way that I think can be explored further. Time, flashbacks, flash-forwards. They are all devices that can make for an interesting story.
Since this is short, I will jump right into it.
Extend. Extend. Extend. I would like to see more descriptions. More characterizing action. More thoughts that I, as a reader, can connect with. As it is written now, anyone who reads it is going to feel disconnected from it. I can't feel anything from it because there isn't enough to feel from.
Your dialogue seemed unrealistic. Say it aloud to yourself to ensure that it is real. Although a reader is already taking themselves away from the temporal world when they read, all worlds still adhere to certain degrees of realism. Your dialogue must seem sincere and real or the reader will be distracted, which will take away from what's important: your writing.
Who are these people? The greatest short stories breathe life into characters with a short amount a words. I want to know these people. I want to care about them. Or else, why would I want to continue reading? Make these people draw me in. Give them singular dialogue. Singular quirks. Sometimes, I take strange things that I do and give them to my characters. Why? Because an actual human does them, giving the story that layer of realism necessary to lull a reader and place them under my literary spell.
The dichotomy between the past and the present of your story can be greater emphasized. If you are going to have a difference, make it interesting. Perhaps have multiple flashbacks. Make the reader question when things are happening. Make the lines of time blur for your protagonist, allowing another layer of characterization. Maybe, when he is with his girlfriend, the world is beautiful, glimmering, and amazing. When he is without her, maybe the world becomes an all-encompassing malaise that refuses to cease. Think about it.
Overall, I could see something great coming from this. Show me more of your characters and your world. I am interested to know. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Hey again. I've edited your description, just so you know. You're allowed to curse in literary works, just not in the descriptions or titles.
Anyways, onto the review.
Bringing*
French fry isn't a noun and therefore shouldn't be capitalized. You can capitalize French if you want to, but fry shouldn't be capitalized.
Okay. So I enjoyed the flashback but I feel like it could have given us more? It is clearly an intimate moment, if they're cuddling and planning on snuggling up to watch a movie. So why did I feel nothing while reading it?
Her hair is often curly, yet she straightens it, which displeases him because he likes it curly. Why? Does it remind him of something? Is it fun for him to run his fingers through them? Is it something about the way it frames her face?
His blue eyes looking into her crystalline sea green ones gives me nothing. I don't walk away with anything new because that doesn't leave an impact on me. How about how he loses himself in those swirling orbs, as if he's swimming in the sea? That alone tells me the color of her eyes, which are sea green, not by you telling me it straight out.
Overall, you need to work on your descriptions. I feel like this was way too short, considering it's about a love story. I want to know more about the emotional level these two are at with each other. Being with someone three years has got to have some sort of connection between these two, something you could easily see by the way he brushes her hair off her shoulder tenderly or the way she unconsciously rests her head on his shoulder when cold or scared. Stuff like that is intimate and personal and it's almost like the reader is teetering the line between their space and the couple's space.
Cross that line.
Also, why did his friends do that? They seemed mature in the beginning, and then this happens. And especially for juniors. How did that make Kyle feel? I also do find it a bit weird that he started to cry in front of his friends. Guys generally don't cry around each other, and especially at school, and usually the only exception is the death of a grandma. But if you wanna roll with it, then go for it.
Overall, I can't connect with this because there's so much missing from it. Length, for one. Details that are more about appearances, as in eyes and shoulders and body contrasts. I'd like to see stronger dialogue and smoother actions, and lots more emotion and dialogue.
Hope that helps.
~Iggy
Idk. This is based off of my friends at school so I kind of out some real story in there I need more boyish vibes cx
Infidel! Straight hair is best o_o