"It's over, Kyle."Those were the three words that I wish had brought me to stop her. I was foolish and didn't, though. I continued to stand on the field, the hockey stick gripped hard in my hands. Jay shoots me a concerned look, but I ignore it. Tears brim Holly's eyelashes as she turns on her heel. She then starts to run, back to the school I guess. Mel chases after her.
I keep my hockey stick low to the ground, keeping it frozen. I watch the girl who I spent endless nights cuddling and saying "I love you" with, run away from my heart.
My thoughts are interrupted by a boy with no shirt on. "Dude, you still gonna play? Or are you going after her?" Mark questioned, playfully punching my shoulder.
I shake my head. "I'm so finishing this game, man. The girl can wait."
-
I'm not sure if I should countinue this story or not. This may or may not be based off my friends at school, LUL.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello there!
Alright, so while this sends a strong message, it also lacks a lot of backstory. Why is she breaking up with him, for starters. Three simple words don't tell us anything. "It's over Kyle." ...Okay. What's over? The relationship? Why? What did he do? It sounds like he was the reason they broke up, but it could've easily been her as well. Why? What's the problem?
Also, I'm not a big fan of how short this is. When people say a short story, they don't mean a story this short. We need more to work with. What grade is Kyle in? Are they at practice or in an actual hockey game? How did she get onto the field without getting in someone's way? How does he feel?! Lord knows that if someone broke up with you before a game, you'd probably pretend you're okay but you wouldn't really be and so you'd mess up and possibly play worse than you normally do. How much did she mess with his head? His emotions? His sense of love?
Overall, I feel nothing. No sympathy for the narrator, no sense of enlightenment as I walk away from this review. Nothing, because it's hard to connect to something so small. I suggest you add lots of details in, preferably background information, history, a setting, imagery, etc. More helps the reader connect with the story and thus you leave a greater impact on them.
I did adore the ending, though. That last dialogue line? Perfect.
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
Hi. I should have out this in the beginning of the thing but I didn't, but this is sort of like the introduction and the rest of the story and your questions will even out as I add more to it.
Omg! Yes! continue this. First off, this has a really good start and i want. No i NEED to read the rest of this.You left us with mark talking to a dude(What's his name anyway??)
Secondly, There's a girl running away from her bf/ex? Wasn't completely clear on that part. And your definitely going to have some people wanting to read this.
Third, Its ROMANCE! Who doesn't love a good romance story!? Beside you make it sound like a really good couple and then !BANG! something happens. What's that something? Was it a really good relationship? Are they together? Did he cheat on her? Did this, that, or the other thing happen!?
Seriously!?
So it's good so far. You SHOULD keep up with this.
And the title "Okay,But Not Really" Explain more of that in the story!?
So KEEP writing this!
Thank you for an amazing start to a story.