Young Writers Society

Hello, Zontafer here to review your poem!

First off, I lived the way you started out with questions. It kind of wants me to keep on reading, to find out how the rest of the poem goes.

And you’d always be free as the breeze?

Remember when

You and I were

So alive and

We never thought it’d change?

Can’t you see how

We’ve both been changed?

Hello there, and happy review day!

This is a really... true poem. Society does change us, and you've really portrayed that well. I like how it tells us the past by asking questions, instead of just telling us. That kind of repetition is great.

I must admit that I was worried about your rhyme scheme when I first started reading this. It seemed a little erratic and inconsistent, especially since it was usually the second-to-last words that rhymed, but I was surprised with how well you pulled it off. In some spots, though, it sounds a little clunky, like you're using words that don't really make sense in order to rhyme, like here.

Remember when

I tried to warn you

Of the end

But you pushed me away,

You said you’d be okay,

You couldn’t see around the bend?

Hi there! I just finished reading your poem, and I must say bravo!! I should let you know I like to recap what I read and what I think as I go through. Let's get started;


Remember when

You and I were

So alive and

We never thought it’d change?

Remember when

We had hopes and

There were no ropes that

Could ever hold us back?

Well look around now,

Can’t you see how

Everything’s changed?

We’re not the same.

So many years have

Brought too many tears and

Now we’re chained

And our hopes have been drained.

Remember when

We were stronger and

Knew we’d last longer

Than those on their knees?

Remember when

You said you’d never give in

You said you’d keep living

And you’d always be free as the breeze?

Well look around now,

Can’t you see how

We’ve both been changed?

We’ll never be the same.

Remember when

I tried to warn you

Of the end

But you pushed me away,

You said you’d be okay,

You couldn't see around the bend?

Well now you’re here,

Facing your fear,

Brought to your knees,

Crying for mercy,

But there’s no one to hear your pleas.

This is the end.

Hello!

I could imagine this working as some kind of lyrics. I think you could definitely fit it to music. But as this is not labeled "lyrics," I'm going to review it as poetry.
I like the message this presents, but I think you could do it in a much more skillful way. You have very short, choppy lines, and lots of seemingly random line breads. It doesn't work with the natural flow of someone reading this. I think you should aim for what a person would speak like when they read this poem. That means lengthening the lines, and breaking where it's natural to do so. Just try reading it aloud, and whenever you have a good, solid pause (and that's not at every single comma), that's where you should break it.

I think you should get rid of one of the choruses. I don't think the repetition adds much to the poem, but if you think I'm wrong, feel free to leave it there. It doesn't detract from the poem too much.

I like your attempt to rhyme, just make sure it doesn't get in the way of what you're actually trying to say.

Content-wise, I think the message was great, but the words you used were rather average, and I really craved some kind of metaphor or solid image to hold on to. There's nothing in your poem that I can actually imagine with clarity. I'm also not sure exactly what's going on. Is it the end of the world, or their friendship, or of life the universe and everything? What is going on in the poem? It's okay to keep it vague, but the reader wants to have some idea of what you're saying.

Great start! Keep writing!
~fortis