Blood on the leaves,
As you turn ‘round to leave
I pull out my pistol,
Neighbors can hear a scream.
Blood on the leaves
You tried to deceit
Now you gon’ walk away?
I let out a scream.
Blood on the leaves
Even you don’t believe
The lies that you speak,
You ain’t what you seem.
Blood on the leaves
You give back my keys
Say you outta my life,
I just can’t agree.
Blood on the leaves
I’m down on one knee
There’s roses on the floor
I pull out the ring while you open the door
Been waiting the whole day,
Can’t wait anymore.
There’s roses and candles
And leaves on the floor.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Wow, this is an interesting song.
The repetition of 'blood on the leaves' is really nice and gives the song a really good rhythm and you can see it being sung by some alternative band or something.
I liked how you kind of had to figure out what was going on, and even after a few reads, not completely knowing what was going on. Songs don't always have to be clear, and so I liked that. It was different and had a haunting rhythm that makes you picture someone singing it.
My favorite lines;
Blood on the leaves
Even you don’t believe
The lies that you speak,
Overall, great song. Keep up the good work;
LGF
Hello!
Ooh twist ending.
I love the repetition of the leaves. It really was the thread throughout the entire piece.
Now, I see the voice you have here is very informal slang. If that's the way you want to write it, I'm okay with that. That's your voice.
There's a few little nit-picky things:
"You tried to deceit" The "deceit" should be "deceive" to grammatically make sense.
I'd look over the grammar again just for clarity's sake. For example, there should be a period after the second line. It just make things make sense.
Okay I said I wasn't going to bother you with this but "Say you outta my life," would just be so much better with a "you're" rather than you. But of course this change is up to you.
Because this is so stylistic, I can't really do much more with the technical.
Now for the content. So it starts by going on about how the girl is disgusted with him (I mean, she pulled a gun on him), and then he's disgusted with her (he says that she lies and isn't what she seems). I'm just not quite sure what's going on. And then they get married. It's just not so clear.
I like that you had a happy ending.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
It's mind blowing and a migraine to the head at the same time. So correct me if I'm wrong. LOL EHHHHHHH jumping off a limb here, but did he kill another women to be with another women? or dang! Like it's a good song, but it just has me thinking so hard. Even when I shouldn't. I mean it can't be that hard to guess lol
I have a great melody in my head that would go perfect for it; a catchy beat. It's really good!