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140,121 Literary Works • 673,020 Reviews
Hello, kayfortnight here to save your work from the green room. I have a few complaints and compliments for your poem.
I'm in two minds about your rhyme scheme. I have to admit it sounds like you twisted and changed your lines so they fit the rhyme scheme. Now, I've never been a fan of rhyming unless it's very subtle, and by very subtle, I mean you won't notice the rhyming unless you read the poem aloud or reread. I dislike it when the rhymes are contrived. However, without the rhyming you wouldn't get as much of a shock at the end when you don't rhyme.
Really, I don't have anything else to say. If you want to go with more imagery instead of being so vague, maybe more details.
Right after you said "'Cause the room is so quiet; His moan sounds like a riot." You went on to lose me. I lived it up until that point. I loved it up until that point.
Hi there, mihaivisan! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem this evening. ^^
This is nice, for something so short. But I'm having a problem with the rhyming lines. It's a little juvenile, y'know? Like you're not exactly trying to make it more? I feel, if you tried not to rhyme here and expanded it a little, it'd make this poem brilliant. This is lacking in that something that makes the reader go "Wow! This is so amazing! I love it!" etc, etc. I think you see what I'm trying to say? I mean, it's not bad or the worst I've seen, but it could be better. In fact, I challenge you to make this better, to add to it so it has that something more it needs. To make me come back and read the revised version and go "Wow, mihaivisan! This is amazing!" and to reaaaaaally make me love it. I mean, I find it nice and I do like it now, but it still feels like it lacks something.
And now, I'm afraid I'm not going to be of much use anymore. So, that's it. Also, those last two lines and the concept really are just lovely. Thanks for such a nice little poem! I hope this review helps. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
Hi there, mihaivisan! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem this evening. ^^
This is nice, for something so short. But I'm having a problem with the rhyming lines. It's a little juvenile, y'know? Like you're not exactly trying to make it more? I feel, if you tried not to rhyme here and expanded it a little, it'd make this poem brilliant. This is lacking in that something that makes the reader go "Wow! This is so amazing! I love it!" etc, etc. I think you see what I'm trying to say? I mean, it's not bad or the worst I've seen, but it could be better. In fact, I challenge you to make this better, to add to it so it has that something more it needs. To make me come back and read the revised version and go "Wow, mihaivisan! This is amazing!" and to reaaaaaally make me love it. I mean, I find it nice and I do like it now, but it still feels like it lacks something.
And now, I'm afraid I'm not going to be of much use anymore. So, that's it. Also, those last two lines and the concept really are just lovely. Thanks for such a nice little poem! I hope this review helps. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
This is good, I like the imagery. The blatant rhyming is a little distracting, which might help if you did an a-b-a-b rhyme scheme instead of a-a-b-b, like that. Your meter is very good though.