Do it, he said
I looked away, told him I can't
I emptied my glass, lit up a Kent
And watched the smoke slowly ascend.
DO IT! he screamed
Smiling grotesque like a fiend
He cracked his back, then forward he leaned
Filled with excitement, it seemed.
Do it, he pleaded
My friend, you have been misleaded
She told you she loved you when clearly she didn't.
I wish he was wrong, but he isn't.
DO IT! that is
A thousand voices joining his
A choir of demons from the abyss
Their screaming and grinning made me unease.
I'll do it, I said
And the room went quiet.
He watched in silence with eyes of the dead
As I placed the gun to my head.
Do it, he whispered.
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140,109 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Wow! To start with the repitition of "Do it" in small font to bold capital letters is so powerful. Not once did you mention he was the devil - but your descriptions clearly conveyed he was. I loved that - you showed us (through description ) but didn't need to tell the reader (through stating he was the devil) and that in my eyes shows that you have talent for writing. Also - as a reader we're constantly wondering - do what? Love the ambiguity
..i dunno xD.
... but what I like about yours is how authoritative the Devil seems - and his power in this poem is quite captivating.
You've created some powerful imagery too.. He "cracked his back and leaned forward" stood out to me.. shows he's perhaps ancient and experiencing back problems
Also the "choir of demons from the abyss" is interesting too. The "abyss" creates such a dark and unwelcoming atmosphere - I love it.. I love horror stories and poems and things - I've actually written one myself
The ending rhyme of "dead" and "head" is quite interesting also.. perhaps showing the moment is significant; of which it is, as the main character finally does what he wants.
I really enjoyed this poem and hope you write more - well done
Aye, its Nova here :3
Let us start, shall we?
Okay, well first I think this was overall just plain amazing. Your way with words is amazing, and personally I think you did really well. I'm pretty bad at reviews, sorry, but anyway, it was clearly a darker poem, and a great one at that. I haven't read many dark poems that made me feel the way yours did.
Well, I'll be going now.
Keep writing!
-Nova
'Ello, it's Cello, here to get into some editing of this poem.
Let's jump in.
Take at look at the last part of the second line. There's an error with your tenses. This poem is written in past tense, but you write 'can't', which is present. This mistake is a simple one and it's easy to fix so I'll move on from it quickly. Just change that 'can't' to 'couldn't'.
This is another small thing, but I've never heard the term 'kent'. It's most definitely a regional thing but even with google as my aid I couldn't find the meaning of the words so I had to simply assume that a 'kent' was a cigarette or cigar. If this is right, you may be thinking 'see, they got it, what's the problem then?'. The problem is that I felt the need to google it and even then had to assume, and not truly know. It's never good to leave your readers to assume things (at least not in the fashion) and although some parts of the world may very easily understand what you're saying, other may not. (Maybe I'm wrong and it's not regional either- I went to a few friends though and they were equally confused) Depending on your audience, you many need to change the language here as it's always best to make sure the reader is clear on what you're saying.
Let me tell you, in most cases, you will not be taken seriously if you use capitalization for emphasis. Like I said, most cases. This is one of those cases. You have a very well put together poem but then you come along and use capitalization to emphasis you're point. The best formatting technique to use for emphasis is italicization. In the publishing center, there should be a button for this at the top of the page so that edit shouldn't be too rough.
I would also like to look at your usage of the word 'grotesque'. Grotesque is an adjective but here you use it as an adverb. (Adjectives modify nouns, adverbs modify verbs. 'smiled' is a verb.) To make this a proper usage of the word, you need to make it an adverb to fit its role. Simply add 'ly' to make it 'grotesquely' and you're good to go.
One last things on this stanza- your usage of rhyme.
For the rest of your stanzas, you don't rhyme at all, but for this one you do. Now, I really like the rhyming in this stanza, but it throws off your pattern and distracts the reader. It's good to be consistent with you're rhyming so that the reader doesn't have to change their expectations of what they're about to read. (ex:If a reader is reading a rhyming poem, they expect rhymes) I would suggest either rhyming the rest of your poem or editing this stanza so it doesn't rhyme. It's you're call though, as it's your poem.
Here you have another minor problem with your tenses. 'isn't' is present tense and you're writing in past tense. It should make the simple change to 'wasn't'. On top of this, 'wish' should be 'wished' to fit the tense style.
Again with the capitalization- make it italicization.
I also noticed that you used 'unease' incorrectly, as it is a noun. You're describing how the screaming and grinning made you feel so you need an adjective. 'uneasy'. See, it's simple.
I didn't see any more noticeable mistakes in the poem so I'll leave you with this. You're clearly a good writer and I encourage you to keep up the good work.
-ChocolateCello
I have got to say this is amazingly written I love the suspense through out this and how it only reveals what they are doing until the end it keeps the reader reading on the tip of their toes 'I wish he's was wrong, but he wasn't' doesn't quite make sense it should be 'I wished he was wrong, but he wasn't' or something like that either way this is quite incredible!
Wow... Just wow. This was beautifully written and I have no words to describe how much I love this. Slowly I have been reading more and more poetry for this very reason. The description and imagery is amazing. The repetition is a very effective tool in this and makes it even more so amazing. This is relatable to most people and a struggle to what we understand with internal demons. I would love to see more of where this came from and I can see already how talented of a writer you are.
I literally have the chills reading that.
Amazing.
Hi
I am here to give you a review.
I would first like to say that I loved this poem, it really gave me chills and I got really into it right from the very start.
So first I will say what I liked about it:
I loved the use of hellish type of diction such as 'grotesque' and 'abyss' among others. It really went along with the tone and set the mood very nicely. In addition to this I love the fact you uses a rhyme scheme! (It is not that common here) I think that it really centers a poem and makes it flow very nicely. Furthermore I loved the repetition of 'Do it' it really put emphasis on the inner turmoil of the persona.
Moreover, I simply adored the visual imagery used.
It literally put me in the picture and its like I could hear and see them.
(Also this was all in his mind right? Thats how I interpreted it at least but I would love to know how you intended it to be )
The only thing I can criticize is the lack of punctuation especially in the second line as it seems there needs to be a comma as the idea presented didnt seem to continue onto the third line.
Thats it haha!
Great work I look forward to read more!
~RS