Walk with me
*
The doorknob turned under your hand
And it sent cracks through the wall
The ceiling collapsed and fell to the floor,
Blocking the corridor.
*
The roof had caved in when the homeless came in
Treating our home like a holiday inn
Some stayed in our bedroom, others camped in the kitchen
Boarding up the windows and blocking my vision.
*
Now I’m living in darkness, I walk with the dead
I’m strapped with a harness, my legs filled with lead
I walk straight ahead, my heart dead inside
Dragging the corpse of my suicidal bride.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,020 Reviews
Hey Blablabl92 here! This is going to be a short review, but I hope it's helpful!
Great poem! A little dreary but I really liked it! I expected a gloomy, sappy poem from the title, but the actual poem was
Anyways, I did want to say that you're rhyme scheme was kind of all over the place. Nothing really wrong with that but it was a tad unorganized.
"The doorknob turned under your hand
And it sent cracks through the wall
The ceiling collapsed on the FLOOR
Blocking the CORRIDOR"
In this stanza, you rhyme on the last two lines.
"The rood then caved in and the homeless came IN
Treating our home like a holiday INN
Some stayed in our bedroom, other camped in the kitchen
Boarding up the windows and blocking my vision."
In this stanza, you rhyme on the first two lines.
"Now I'm living in darkness, I walk with the DEAD
I'm strapped with the harness, my legs filled with LEAD
I walk straight ahead, my heart dead INSIDE
Dragging the corpse of my suicidal BRIDE."
Now you rhyme on both.
Maybe this was intentional? I don't think it's that bad I just wanted to point it out.
Also, in the first stanza, the last line, "Blocking the corridor" doesn't flow as well as the rest of it. Maybe say "Blocking all of the corridor" Or something?
Finally, you might want to add commas between your lines, but that's up to you.
Okay! Awesome poem! Can't wait to read more of your work!
Hi!
It's actually about the way you need to pronounce it; for example:
"The doorknob turned under your HAND
And it SENT cracks through the wall"
and
"The roof then CAVED IN and the homeless CAME IN
Treating our home like a HOLIDAY INN
Some STAYED IN our bedroom (...)"
I don't really like traditional rhyme patterns.
Thanks for the input though!
Hello there!
This was a fantastic poem. A little dark with the ending. And I may not be the best at reviewing poems but I'm here so...
So, the first thing that bothered me a bit. Your rhyme scheme seems a little inconsistent.
The rhyme for this is:
a
b
c
c
Whereas the other stanza's rhyme is:
a
a
b
b
I don't know much about poems, but I think you should make it so the rhyming is the same for all of them. That would make it consistent...
But I don't really know much.
Might just be me, but I think this sentence would fit much better if it was "suicide" bride.
Now, I may not be able to get the meaning from the poem but from what I've read, I'm guessing that your character had everything taken from him. To the point where his bride suicided. But even then, he couldn't move on without her. He couldn't walk alone.
But that's just what I think.
Happy Writing!
Hey!
At first, I read the title and I expected something completely different. But, I did enjoy what I got, and the title actually made since to me at the end.
So, like, wow... That took an unexpected turn on me. It is one of my things where I just love plot twists, ESPECIALLY in poetry. And, this one was a strong one. Now, I'll be honest, when I first started to read, I thought this was going to be a cute little thing and all, but seriously, that took me out of no where.
Now, a few pointers, if I may...
I see in the other comments/reviews that people are pointing out the fact that the roof had already fallen to the floor by the fifth line. Now, I maybe wrong here, but I think it was intentional. Because there could have been another floor above and then the roof above that floor fell down to their room. Or just that the ceiling and the roof are usually separate and the roof caved in later. So, I found nothing wrong with that (if that is what you were going for, eheh).
One thing though, that I would personally do is for line seven is add the word "the" before "kitchen". But, that's just me. I could see though, if it made the line too long.
I think I get the meaning behind this all, but I really just loved it all. Great work on this and happy writing!
Heya,
I mean I have no words for this... The climax breaks in, in the last line. And that left me spell bound!
Totally Wow.
Heya,
I mean I have no words for this... The climax breaks in, in the last line. And that left me spell bound! The only thing that I found, didn't make any sense was, "The roof then caved in and the homeless came in". How was that possible? Rewrite it.
That's all.. Great job..
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
This is a neat little poem as well as the feeling that you put into this- amazing job! I like the rhyming as it seems to give the tone of the whole poem itself- gives me the chills when reading it. However there are some I like to point out that could help you with this.
In the first stanza, you mention the ceiling falling and it feel to the floor yet in the next stanza you state the roof caved in? That seems to contradict itself since when the ceiling fell, there would be no roof left to cave in. Just a little thing you should consider re-writing.
For some reason, this doesn't seem to make sense to me. Is the homeless people blocking his vision from the outside world or are they covering him, making his vision blocked? However, I can infer you mean they are blocking his vision from the outside world- I would suggest putting 'blocking my view of the outside world' however you don't have to take this option; just a suggestion, at the most.
For this small line, I would suggest something small: the roof- itself- caved in and the homeless came in . Also this line also confused me, since I couldn't figure out the meaning behind it at all.
Overall, this is a lovely poem that has some imagery, rhyme (that adds onto the diction and tone), also I loved the message of this poem. I hope to read more from you!
If you want me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
It's a very deep and dark poem, wonderful work. It's rather intriguing and I am fond of the way you have composed it. Amazing!
Wow. I seriously loved this. A little dark, definitely but really great. Also loved the rhyming.