Hey, y'all! Feel free to tear this apart. This is my fifth attempt at the first part, so I'm really looking for criticism. Oh, and it may be necessary to add, not a vampire/werewolf/zombie novel. Some other beastie!
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There was no spark. No flame. It began with fire. Fire blistering across my skull. Fire unfolding tattered petals. And each was bound into folds, the bindings ropes, braided from spiderweb threads.
My blood thickened, baked in its heat; soon it achieved the consistency of molasses, and from what I'd learned, the hue as well, but all that mattered was the pain, the agony defining each heartbeat ...
Was my heart beating? My ribs were crystal, teetering on collapse. Yet they felt sturdier than usual. One solid sheet.
Reds, violets, golds painted my eyelids, and I unfurled them without thinking. Then my serrated fingernails were searching for my chest. They carved through it as easily as though it were clay, and I saw them rip my heart out. Blood-vessels still dangled from its tubes, stained brown. The whole organ was stained brown, and slippery, like it'd fallen victim to a rainstorm.
I didn't stay alive to watch it fall.
All I knew was that when I re-awoke, I was dead.
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PART ONE
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Phoenix
a
I leaned my head back against the wall. My dorm was located near the music room, and from it I could hear students spitting out notes like cherry pits.
"Hey, Phoenix," a voice murmured. "I brought you lunch."
"Thanks," I said, accepting the tray from Hunter, my roommate. Mystery stew and beans. Mmm.
"Hard to get over her?" Then he slapped a hand to his mouth, looking horrified. "I didn't mean to--well--"
"Don't worry about it." She isn't worth being hard to get over.
She. Christ, I didn't even have the courage to think her name. My fingers enclosed the stem of a spoon. I still remembered when we first met. She was a year older, which made her more attractive at the time. Her hair swept over one shoulder, a vivid scarlet ... and there was something enchantingly womanlike in the graceful arch of her brow, the throb of her tenor voice.
"Phoenix?" Hunter said tentatively. "Are you going to eat?"
I stiffened in response. "Yes. Now leave me alone."
A creak of his training suit, and he was gone.
I stirred the stew. The need to vomit my previous meal was overwhelming. Time scraped by, and the need grew stronger, until nausea dominated my stomach. My shock flickered faint. This would be the third episode this week ...
I staggered toward what I assumed to be a mattress. Too late. My stomach's contents spilled over into my throat and onto the carpet. Soon everything was glazed with my bile, like half-molten maple clusters. I fixed my eyes on a single point in the ceiling, too frightened to close them, too nauseous to move.
Symptom Four of grief, the Trainers taught us. Vomiting.
Grief. I'd come to abhor the word. According to my doctor, every mourner was infected. Some experienced physical effects, some mental effects, others emotional effects. The last two typically arrived in a package.
Nothing to do but lie here and wait and try not to notice that the world was slicing into ribbons.
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*Sorry, I didn't intend it to be so short, but time and story proportions interfered. Thanks for sticking through!*
End of chapter
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
sorry already commented, I repeated myself
*Is waiting patiently for morrrrreeeee*
*seconds that* I miss your awesome writing Gold...
*is touched* I think I'll retire to more writable pieces now, though. XD
Heya Goldflame!
Maybe it'll come later on, but I did like that scene a lot, so hopefully it will still be there!
Sorry I'm so late >< And you've had such lovely reviews already *panics* what is there left to cover? I haven't read all of the previous reviews because of time, but I hope this one doesn't repeat too much...
Firstly, that beginning was a very interesting opening... I am looking forwards to understanding what it means as the story goes on as well. I also think this opening was good because it started later on in the story than the previous one did, but I was missing the conversation they shared about how Scarlet was just a flick
Seems rather short and blunt. I know you are trying to show an emotion through an action but maybe just add a couple of words to draw attention to that... My fingers enclosed the stem of the spoon, clenching it title as my jaw clamped shut. Two seconds later they were drained white. For example
What's her hair colour? You should tell us now, seeing as you mentioned this.
I know the stew isn't Phoenix's breakfast, but not everyone knows this! So maybe you should just add a few more words there, like the example I used previously: I stirred the stew, knowing I wouldn't be able to eat it. I was still struggling against the need to vomit my breakfast.
This should be on the ceiling
Wow... this seemed a bit unexplained, but it seems a good place to end. Maybe just say how it meant the world was sliced into ribbons on his end? So: nothing to do but lie here and wait, trying not to notice how my world was slicing into ribbons.
I hope this helped a little... I'm sorry it's so short as well! D:
Deanie x
Thank you!!! I'll incorporate all your points. The Scarlet-was-just-a-flick scene--haha, I didn't know anyone remembered it.
You consider that review short? O_O
Heya. Here to
finallyreview!Prologue
Phoenix
All righty, so I'm assuming that the prologue is written from Phoenix's perspective as well? This is just a hunch, seeing as grief and pain is a recurring element in both parts. If I'm honest, I'm not very fond of prologues myself, but if it's working for you, go for it! I would have suggested dividing this into two works though, as it's easier to distinguish between them that way. Also, are you still going to be switching perspectives? I skimmed through your previous drafts before reviewing this, and I received the impression that Phoenix was a hard POV for you to write in, maybe because you seem a little .... I dunno .... hesitant when you write him? Nevertheless, I would encourage you to continue writing in his perspective until you've mastered him. I actually think that this is your best chapter so far (because I did read the previous drafts, even if I didn't review them.) and if you ever find it hard to conquer the male perspective, you should check out what Tenyo says about it here. This is just me trying to be over-ly helpful, so I'm going to quit rambling and cut to the chase!
So, now that that's out of the way....
I adored this description. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! <3
I can't really say much when it comes to talking about setting or character development, but you actually managed that wonderfully for so short a chapter. I can't tell where the story is going either, but that's a good sign. Keep me updated when the next part is out, and I'll get to it as soon as possible!
Keep writing! Keep up the brilliant work!
Hope this helped~
Pompadour
Wow. I can't even tell you how much I love this review! I've always wanted help so terribly with description, because I'm new to this style. Thank you so much! I edited it a little since Timmy's, but I shall edit some more. And I'm surprised that you consider this early .... Thank you!!!
Glad to help! I'm a bit of a nutter when it comes to description, haha.
And you're welcome!
I just checked out the link and the link in the link, and ... wow. I can't thank you enough! I always assumed that people notice colors before contours. And you're right, Phoenix intimidated me a bit xD. *adds link to favorites bar*
Hey Goldie!! Silver here to review for you!!
Okay, I'm sure that you realise by now that you are extremely gifted when it comes to descriptions and imagery. You manage to weave intricate worded pictures. This has and always will be the highlight for me when reading one of your works.
Main Points
I am very confused is this a whole thing a prologue or a prologue and a chapter? The first part seemed like a pretty awesome prologue and then you bring us to Pheo's point of view. If both parts are one prologue then I strongly recommend against it especially if you continue with Phoe as a main character in the same time frame. If they are different then I suggest making it more clear by maybe labeling Phoe's part as Chapter 1 or something.
I thought he was in a room? There must be a lot of sunlight in there for bile to glisten.
I LOVED that line!!
Alrighty, I really did enjoy this. I could picture everything that was going on and feel the pain that Phoe was going through. You've put the right amount of intrigue in this to keep the reader interested. I can't comment much plot or setting wise seeing as this is a small segment and I need to give you time to build things up. Sorry I wasn't that helpful! Give me a heads up when your next one comes out!
Your buddy,
Silverlock
Locko! Thank you!!!
I have such a great team of reviewers <3. I'll mend the bile issue! Um, with previous reviewers, I've seen there's some confusion between the prologue and Phoenix's part? Should I add more difference?
Definitely. When first reading it I assumed that it was one continuous prologue but it didn't feel right. Maybe label Phoe's part as Chapter 1? Or something so that we can differentiate?
Thanks!
Timmy is here for a review!
Nitpicks
Now this is a nitpick... So tiny, that its probably nothing. And yet it stood out for me. To me, it seems like you are attempting repetition there. Repeating "fire" over three times to accent it. Bring it out. Make it seem important in the reader's mind... But to me, it seems more redundant. Perhaps its because of the two words right after each other. "Fire. Fireworks."
I am going to ask you something before I can continue. Don't get upset with me for mutilating this short section?
So this part seems like you are trying for the dramatic. To space things out, which does get that desired affect. But it seems a little awkward for me.
So here... I was confused.
Your style is amazing. I love your descriptions, your character devolopment, the strained relation that you have given the girl and Phoenix--everything. Your writing is fluid--well, now I am getting redundant...
My one biggest nitpick is that your story seems to go too fast. I am confused. Everything is happening so fast, my head is spinning. Asking questions is great. Wonderful. But you should ask us these questions slowly, letting us absorb them all. Its one thing to be curious. Another to be confused. I hope that helped somewhat.
Short? Nah. There is a saying: Short and Sweet. This was sweet! Awesome. Loved it. Etc...
~The Darth Timmyjake
Thanks! Another amazing review. I'll definitely be using all this in the editing process. You're right; it is paced quickly. It's my tendency to info-dump. I'll try stretching things out
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Thanks again!
Oh, the comma thing--the comma's necessary to distinguish the name from the rest of the sentence. The speaker's using the name to address Phoenix. Gah, it gets complicated.
I like it. I think that you did a good job at explaining the definition and it makes the piece better as a whole. As always, impeccable description. I think that you did a great job at portraying how phoenix felt about the situation and other characters. Don't necessarily look at proportions, look at content. Does the writing completely envelop what you were wanting to portray? In this case I believe that it achieves this while developing the personality of Phoenix exceptionally well. So in this aspect, I wouldn't focus on the fact that it's short, but rather the fact that it gives necessary background in a way that incorporates what you want into your story. I am intrigued to see where you take this story and who the main character is because in the beginning you start with the perspective of Asiva and then move to Phoenix. The way I see stories is in sections of characters. You have your primary characters, your secondary characters, and then the other characters. Your primary characters are your main characters, which include the people that you have the perspective of the most. This is where your story gets muddled is because I am unsure if one is the main character or if both are. If both are then one would presume the story is about them. This brings me to my second point, I am still unsure what the story is truly about. I realize you are setting up a society, but I don't know weather the story is merely a memoir from members of a society, a love story, or an action story where they are trying to break away, it might even be something completely different. I would take time to develop this more. Your book would greatly benefit from it and it might give you more direction and your readers a better understanding of the book.
Again, beautiful chapter and keep writing. I hope you take what I said into consideration, but remember it is based on my personal literary views so basically take it with a grain of salt. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read the next part.
Thanks! I always love your reviews. Your points are spot-on. I don't know if you know, though--I'm completely rewriting the novel. I suck at developing expositions, and I wanted to give it another shot. Thanks again!
that makes sense, it's a good restart, and your welcome
First of all, don't worry about your prologue's length. A prologue should be short. I think this prologue here is the perfect size! Now, let's go over your first part of the prologue:
This part is interesting, and rather confusing, but I'm sure things will be explained later. Aside from its confusing contents, these three lines were engaging and vivid, flowing nicely in your narrative. Did you alternate between "--" and "..." on purpose? It seems irregular.
Your description of the heart being torn out was very well done. It reminded me of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom... Ever seen that movie?
Love this simile
I can't find a single grammatical mistake, and I congratulate you on that! Overall, excellent prologue. I don't know where this is going, but it is sure to be entertaining! Great job!
Thanks!
Oh, um ... yes, the memory part in the beginning. I see that that is rather confusing. I was trying to use a Stephen King technique--the italics correlated with the italics and the non-italics with the non-italics, while both correlated with each other, but I see what you mean. Thanks for the review!
Oh, I see now... That makes more sense!
This was amazing, stunning, vividly written. Everything flowed and it was just beautiful when I read it out loud. Short or nothing. Something's are good when it's short. I'm just blown away and the description of how he was hot and in pain was worded perfectly.
My opinion is that, I didn't think you needed to input; Memories--. Cause I already knew you were going to show us the memory, I think it was obvious maybe I should say?
Over all amazing.
Thanks!