Sweet Whisperings

Timmy here!

Now I know it's strange for me to pop in to review a piece that has been on YWS for an entire year, and especially when there hasn't been anything to evoke this strangeness, but here I am. This will be a short review for a short poem.

So when I read this, I think that - hey, this thing is very image filled and I love your wordage. I love how everything seems to flow into each other, especially in the last stanza where you made every line just ease into the next (something I continually work on, but never seem to truly get. Argh). It truly helps me just focus on reading and takes the jerks out of the piece. Some stops are necessary in a piece - especially periods and commas and blah, blah... You know what I mean. But I liked how I could read the second stanza and just flow on through, riding on the words and not paying attention to the flow while I read it because there was nothing to notice. It just... well, flowed. I liked that.

Some of this may just be re-saying what Pompadour's review said (*grumbles because her review left nothing to say*), but I will try to say my own thing.

What I think this piece lacked wasn't imagery - that was perfect. It wasn't instilling any feelings in the piece - that was perfect, too. To me, it seemed to lack a story, a plot. One time I wrote a poem people said had pretty imagery and gave them a nice picture... but they kept asking me, "what're you trying to say, now?" In writing, for me, everything boils down to one thing: Am I giving something that changes the reader. If I am accomplishing that, and telling someone a story about something - even if it's merely about dirty socks - but they come out with a different feeling, like an arc in the story, some change of feeling in the character, some bitter or happy feeling from my poetry, then it seems to be complete. Now I know with poetry, sometimes a poem is just describing a tree or something, but to me there is still that opportunity to give your reader something to ponder, something to feel. Now this poem was full of beautiful, raw emotion. I loved the lines, I loved the wordage that just seemed to wrench my heart. They were lovely. But they seemed to lack... a purpose. You told us you were sad (in very simple abbreviations. ), but you could still feel the past lingering behind. Like the past was helping you overcome the painful present. But I think some elaboration would have helped that? Maybe some explanation. I know poetry is meant to make people think about things, to analyze it for themselves so everyone kind of has their own little message of their own to keep, but I think they need to have a basic idea of--

And now I am rambling. I think Pompadour caught all I wanted to say on the elaboration. Not much is needed, really. I think even a key word inserted in a special spot would fix whatever little problem the slight confusion causes by no elaboration on idea. Elaborating on stuff is great - always gives readers a chance to see things in a brighter light - but over-saying things is worse than not saying enough. As it is, I love your poem's length, so no lengthening, I think. But I think you could search around, tweak it just a teensy bit and throw in a few special words to give the piece a new look - just something that would make the reader say, "Ohhhh.... Now this I can relate to." Or something similar. You get the idea.

My throat's scarred by sobs

Hallo, Flame. ^_^ Pompadour here to review for you!

Alright, so I really liked reading this. The words honestly seemed to whisper to me, except they sounded as if they were surrounded by layers of fire. Burning, raw emotion. Like hot tears as they bubble down your face, fizzing and frizzling like geysers. Personally, I really liked the length of this; even though it's short, it speaks profoundly, and it really manages to strike a chord. I do believe, however, that there is one thing you see as appropriate length, and another that we refer to as elaboration and extending ideas. So while I loved that it was short, there's still room for expounding on this one idea. There's room for imagery and tearing at your reader's hearts, especially in the first stanza. I think I'll break the poem down for you and review as I do so, seeing as the poem is pretty short to begin with.

My throat's scarred by sobs,
my airways dammed by screams.

But sweet whisperings
of a past untainted by hate
still linger on my raw lips
like birds with injured wings.

Hey GoldFlame, [I can't believe I got your name wrong on the other review! So sorry!] You know who I am.

This is a strangely interesting poem, I couldn't quite think of the word to describe it. I could only say that this is a very intimate poem bursting with personality. Am I making sense, if not then I shall just say. I enjoyed this poem.

Of a past untainted by hate

I don't know why, but I feel as though the last line rhymes! The last phrase is beautiful, a metaphor that returns when one is thinking about somthing else entirely. It's strange how much this poem has an epic saga feel, which one normally only gets at the end of a long series, like Harry Potter, or Mortal Engines, or Nogin the Nog. Total sense of completeness when it takes a little over thirty seconds to read. Good luck and keep up the good work!

interesting poem i enjoyed the depressing side to the poem the only real critism i had with this poem was i was expecting it to be more about a bird and the title suggested that the opening stanza would have been something about wings, but besides that everything else was very good. Overall a great poem

hey!

i love your sweet, simple, creative poem. your personification level is good. just polish it a bit more. these two stanzas in your poem are quite well constructed. you made everything alive in your poem. it is quite good poetry. you dont have to show a comment on top .............you are perfect poet...........just need some polishing.

overall ...good job.