Nitpick your heart out! =D
Phoenix
I was wheeled deeper into the hospital wing. As we walked/rolled, I tried making small talk. "So what's wrong with me?"
"Haven't I told you a billion times?"
"Do I have a fever?"
"No. Your temperature's normal." Finally, a straight answer.
"You know, Dr. Blythe," I said, clutching my arm to keep it from shaking, "I feel fine."
"I've never seen a more cowardly patient."
"Are you going to operate on me?"
Dr. Blythe fixed me with his not-so-cold gaze. "I'm not a surgeon, Agent Korsar."
"Right." I nodded, and the motion upset stacks of colors. "Right..."
Silence ensued. It crossed my mind that there should've been more doctors, sweeping past, checking on the various wards.
Wards... The harder I focused on them, the blurrier their contours became.
"Doctor..."
Then they collapsed. Sounds, sights, smells--all began boiling together, spilling across my vision.
My tongue registered something bitter. I retched. Then I realized I was only retching because I'd expected that bitter taste to mean retching.
"Easy now." Dr. Blythe's voice cut through the storm. "It was only a capsule."
My pulse accelerated. He's poisoning me. He's only brought me down here to kill me.
"Easy now..."
Black gnawed at the corners of my vision.
"Just submit to it, " he said softly. Mockingly.
I tried summoning magic but didn't possess the energy. The blackness yawned.
---
When I woke up, it was as if no time had elapsed since my hallucinations. Blankets shielded my skin from the cold, the soft cotton kind Candon couldn't afford for the dorms.
I felt great. The nausea was gone. I'd also gained some weight--some meat on my bones, as Siv would say. If only I wasn't so fatigued ... like I'd just run laps around the campus...
My focus swiveled to a side-table. My side-table, groaning under the weight of three neatly-wrapped gifts.
I snatched the nearest one, ignoring my body's protestations. An envelope was glued to it, and as I slid a finger under the flap, I caught whispers of Siv's melancholy voice.
You remember me being summoned by the Director? Well, he assigned me a mission. Top secret. I'd tell you anyway, but I think they check the mail. You'll probably wake up after I'm gone. She paused. See you in a few weeks. Sphinx s-said good-bye to me for you. Oh, and ... um, the gift's because I heard hospital food tastes awful.
My joy crumbled. I'd been looking forward to seeing her face, however gray it was, and with my other friend also on a mission, I'd traipse the corridors alone.
I tore off the wrapping. It was ... a box of sugar-coated phoenixes.
"Agent?" The noise must've alerted a doctor.
"Yes?" I said, squinting through the darkness. The word came as effortlessly as the thoughts accompanying it.
He zipped over to my bed. "I see you're awake."
"No, I'm asleep," I said sarcastically. Alarm flickered across the doctor's features. "Joking. Haha. Uh, is there any light in this ward? I'm relying on a moonbeam."
"We have to keep it dark for the other patients." I noticed that he spoke in a whisper.
I nodded, and whispered as well, "Can I have something to eat?"
"Of course. I'll just visit the storeroom, grab a food capsule for you. Don't eat anything else in the meantime." Both our gazes swept over the sugar-coated phoenixes.
"Thank you, sir."
As soon as he departed, I summoned light. Or rather, magic. Magic in its raw form was silver light, like the offspring of a moonbeam and a lightning bolt, I liked to imagine; so I didn't need to channel my power through it.
The ward slowly assumed shape. Beds lined the walls and stars shone through the fake windows. I knew they were fake because we dwelt underground.
Only four other patients. Three were sleeping, their chests rising and falling under their blankets. The other one was propped against his headboard.
"Hello?" I ventured cautiously.
He whipped around, and I stifled a scream. His irises were silver--molten silver, like mercury.
"Are you okay?"
He tried to speak but only emitted gagging sounds. It was then that I realized that the blood on his sheets belonged to him, not a victim. His gums were swollen, bright red, like mutilated blowfishes. Even so, I could see the beginnings of fangs. Two miniature convex blades, shaped to penetrate flesh.
My heart thundered. I extinguished the light, plunging into my blankets. He was still gagging, chains creaking. And, even with my eyes closed, I still could see his, draped with despair.
---
An eternity passed before the doctor returned.
"What's happened to him?" I mouthed, hoping I didn't seem too relieved.
He glanced at the boy's bed. "I'm sorry you have to be in the same ward. The hospital wing's overcrowded."
"Is--?"
"He's undergoing transformation into a vampire. Got bitten on a mission. He's to be executed at dawn. But that's--" He handed me an elliptical pill. "--not your concern."
"That's ter--"
"It is," he agreed. "Eat."
I studied the pill, skeptical.
"All the nutrients you need for the day. We're trying to convince the cafeteria to upgrade to them."
"That'd spawn a lot of complaints." I popped it into my mouth, and it dissolved on my tongue, sizzling. Just like that, the hunger vanished.
The doctor walked away before he could witness my reaction. I saw him kneel by the vampire boy's bed, saw his lips form the question: Are you ready?
A tear cut a path down the boy's cheek. And he nodded.
---
Even if I was tired, I wouldn't have slept. I wanted so desperately to help him, even just to grasp his hand, assure him that his suffering would soon end.
My ears were buried so deep in my thoughts, I didn't hear them slip out.
---
The next day, I was told I was confined to the hospital for a week.
"What happened that made it look like I was going to die?"
No answer. Just a faint smile.
Noon arrived, and a sickeningly optimistic doctor helped me unwrap my other gifts.
"Look!" she squealed. "Your sister Sphinx got you ... a jar of wine?"
I gaped. Even the most ignorant agents knew this. "Ustrina Juice. A potion."
"What does it do?"
"It makes you immune to fire."
She picked up the other gift--the one from Hunter, my best friend--and rattled it. "Ooh, that sounds like candy, Phoe."
"Can you address me by my surname?"
And so the minutes slipped into hours, and the hours slipped into days. Despite Sphinx's frequent visits, I felt lonely. I wanted to see Hunter and Siv again.
My dreams were flooded with vampires. Night became a regular torture, each concluding with fangs hooked onto my neck. Dr. Blythe was summoned to determine the source of my screaming, but neither of us tried very hard.
"So what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"All right. Let up when you want to."
Then the snores would begin.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Flamey, it's me again! Muahahah!
Well this was far better written then the previous chapter and was quite enjoyable to read. I think that you're starting to get the hang of Phoe's voice which is great. I really like you're dialogues and the fact that you've dropped slightly more hints to out environment.
Nit picks!
Ok so after reading this sentence I still didn't understand why: I didn't need to channel my power through it.
[i[Magic in its raw form was silver light[/i] so why does this mean that he doesn't need to channel his power? If anything it's being stated that he is using magic which then implies that he needs to channel power. The sentence was brilliant until you added the last part which made it confusing.
The vampire boy scene? Brilliant. Best scene in the chapter. It made me feel so much and your description was great. I think that the way you wrote it really makes it shine.
Ok here I feel that the transition between scenes wasn't necessary, because it reads so much better as one scene. Also by having the doctor ask the boy if he's ready to die, you make the reader assume that they leave soon after for the execution so would make more sense for you to have Phoe think: Even if I was tired, I wouldn't have slept. I wanted so desperately to help him, even just to grasp his hand, assure him that his suffering would soon end. at that moment itself. This is just my opinion though.
Ok I don't know if anyone else will agree but I feel that this ending was just so anti-climatic. Who's snores? Poe's? Someone else's? Why on Earth do I even care that anyone is snoring? I feel that you tried to make this a cliffhanger? (correct me if I'm wrong) If it is then I find that it's a very weak one. Not every chapter needs a cliffhanger to have a strong ending (though I am fond of them
Besides that I really enjoyed this and will definitely come back to review the next one soon. Sorry if my review was useless or to harsh but I'm plowing through a searing headache at the moment so please forgive me, I'll make a better effort next time. Happy writing!!
Silverlock
Oops, forgot to reply to this. Thank you!!! I hope you headache gets (got) better. Another fabulous review!
Hello again :3
I like doctors like that. Apart from those two points though, I think this was a good chapter! We got to see a lot more of Phoenix which is something we kind of needed, and hopefully we will find out more about this mysterious illness in future chapters!
Nice chapter you have here. I especially like that it's all in Phoenix's point of view, because then I feel like we get a longer stretch with one character, and get used to them instead of constantly seeing little snippets of each and switching between. I suggest you do it this way more often. ^^ It was also pretty interesting to see the vampire-transforming guy. You had a pretty good description in there, but this was something that sparked my interest quite a lot and I wouldn't have minded if the description had been a bit longer. All you do is mention he had different irises and no teeth - which would be quite alarming itself in the dark. But he's changing from a human into a vampire. I'm not sure how you want it to go, but if you want to make it sound more gruesome you could mention how some of his teeth were long and pointy while others looked human, and another was stretching out. Maybe the poor guy is in agony because the transformation is painful. It's really up to you and how you want the reader to see this, but I would've liked a bit more there.
Also, Phoenix is in hospital and he sees that guy, and he knows he sleeping amongst a whole lot of probably badly injured people. He sees the guy and hides under the covers. He has nightmares and then he has a short conversation. To me it seemed a bit stiff. I would've liked to know more about his thoughts and feelings here. Is he just thinking about the vampires because he only just saw that man? Was it a fear that started long ago, or is it just part and parcel of his sickness? Does he often have nightmares?
His doctor seems like the kind of guy who doesn't pry
Moving on...
Deanie x
Thanks! I'll try squeeze in some editing time today. Scrolling down, I do think it lacks some description and emotion. Spot-on, as always!
I think that you are getting the story line to flow very well. I am kind of curious as to what this secret mission is and what 'illness' he has that would have that effect. As it is obviously not a world like ours, it would be interesting if maybe you put a little more hints in there on what is normal in society. Other than this I like where you are taking it. Again I think that you would greatly benefit by adding little things like at the end instead of just saying, "Nothing." you should say, "Nothing.' I say with disinterest and caution" and change the words depending on what type of emotion you want to convey or insinuations you want your reader to make. It will make everything more well rounded.
Thanks! That's some fast reviewing
. I agree that speaker's tags would help improve the flow.
Timmy is here for a review! (As promised.)

So you know my style of reviewing, so I will start right away!
Nitpicks
This whole part seems so.... empty. Like it is devoid of expression of any kind. I want to know. Was Phoenix afraid when he asked the doctor if he was going to be operated on? Was he hesitant to ask? What did he feel? And if he felt nothing, then state that too!
Style and Favorite stuff
So I am loving this chapter, even more than the other ones!
I like how you are building his character, and I equally like you reserved an entire chapter just for Phoenix. I like that SO much better than what you were doing before, switching characters like musical chairs in the middle of your chapters. It is a lot less confusing and lets me focus on that character, and that character alone.
So that sums up my review, I think! I am loving this! Keep going and could you maybe remind me if I don't review your work straight away? Sometimes I don't see if for a few days, like the chapter previous to this one. Keep writing!
~Timmyjake
Thanks! I abhor writing in Siv's perspective; she's such a whiner
. And I agree with all your points - will fix pronto. Once again, thanks for sticking with the novella!
Yep!
I admit, I liked the Other title better. @GoldFlame!
@Magenta! Do you like the numbers 1 and 4?
Yes, I am addicted to cake. Why? @GoldFlame
You ruined it with another review! Nooo!
.
Nice avatar, btw
What did I ruin?
No, you did 114 reviews and had, like 1411414141414 points, or something like that. =)