Memories are like antiques, she said: the greater their age, the greater their value. The greater their fragility.
Mine are cloaked in dust. Treasures that had solidified under pressure, stowed away into closets. She suggested stitching them together, like the sun did threads of time; so I conjured a needle.
But it couldn't puncture their flesh.
And the seconds collapsed around me. Plunging down, down, down into my consciousness, through its yawning crevices, restarting the cycle.
Only half crystallized into memories. The rest remained liquid, sweet and viscous, like the honey armoring my voice: enough to become a river, but I drank them too quickly, too eagerly, my skeleton a house of cards, my muscles hanging limp like rain-beaten flowers.
Flowers. My wounds were flowering, my thighs mottled forget-me-not blue. The fire used to flower, too, but it flowered too fast and tore holes in the tapestries of my past, so I extinguished it.
Memories are like antiques, she said.
Memories are like rain.
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140,861 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
I like the time you take to build imagery in this piece. I guess my only real issue is the style in which it is written. Perhaps it is one I am not familiar with but what I see is a poem wrote in prose format. There is no rhyming pattern to speak of, which is fine, but the sentences are pretty regularly broken up by commas which suits a poem format (with traditional stanza breaks) much better than the paragraph format used here.
I particularly like how you foreshadow the poems true intent right from the beginning, the first line is great. Often enough the simplest uses of imagery are the best to quickly capture the reader, and it was excellent placement.
One other small caveat is the possessive tones throughout the poem, particularly at the end. Saying "I" or "You" too many times in a poem can be off-putting, and otherwise distract the reader from the image you are trying to cultivate. Once every six lines is a good rule of thumb to go by. Just enough to remind but not so much as to dull the rest of the poem.
A great read, keep up the good work!
Thanks! This was so helpful
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This is way cool. I'd say keep it as it is.
Aw, thanks!
Ugh, I'm sorry, I can't review this. There's nothing wrong with it, no nitpicks, nothing I could suggest... it's lovely. I'm so glad it's featured!
I feel bad. You've given me soooo many awesome and thorough reviews, and all I can say is I seriously love this. It's gorgeously written. Like, beyond gorgeous. It's all very fluid and poetic (flawless phrasing/wording) and perfect and... argh. I can't put into words how beautiful this is. I would 'Like' it times a thousand if I could.
Well done. Amazing work. Blah.
Sorry this wasn't very constructive or helpful. XD
My turn to receive a review from you!
Thanks!
I feel like this is a really great start--you've got some gorgeous imagery happening and the way the words sound is wonderful. However it doesn't really make sense. I suppose it might if I were actually a reader who knew the character, but I don't, and you've lost yourself so much in the fanciful, dreamy, loveliness of the words that their overall meaning falls short. Everything is just a little too…vague. If you want to leave it that way, that's fine, I guess I just am the sort to like things more explained. But it's really lovely writing so good job on that!
Thanks! I get what you're saying, about this piece needing more details. This was actually based off a specific character. I remember putting her through such misery, just to make the story more enjoyable, to attract more readers
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