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The Cobra's Cage: Chpt. 2

***In process of editing

Phoenix

As she exited, her platinum blonde hair swung behind her, catching the light of the sun. It was braided today, slung over her shoulder like a bow, her favorite weapon.

I waited several seconds, then followed.

A jungle of surprised faces met mine.

"Lunch is over?" I said.

"You still hungry, man?"

My hand drifted to my abdomen. No way--no thanks. Not after some stomach lining had joined the bile on my floor. This morning, I'd paid a visit to my doctor, but his words hadn't changed. This is perfectly normal for someone who's contracted grief.... Symptoms vary from person to person. Here, these pills might help. Strengthen your immune system.

Somehow he'd forgotten, again, that I was already taking them.

The agent walked off. Oops. I'd neglected to form a reply. Others began grumbling as they passed, their limbs snagging on mine. For a moment, my hips rotated, unsure what to do. Then my feet seized control of my body, carrying me down the current. Maneuvering through the chaos, much like I did for Siv. It was time I found a shoulder myself. Time I consulted my sister.

---

She was exactly where I expected--in the lounge. She always spent her break time in the lounge.

She and a few other twelve-year-olds. The rest of Candon just stuck in their dorms or roamed the campus. The lounge, with its cheap furniture and colorful carpet, could've passed as a playroom.

Then I saw her. Curled on a chair, a book in her lap.

Her name was Sphinx. Our parents' idea of a joke, I suppose--naming their children Phoenix and Sphinx. She'd been the apple of their eye. Her hair was so black it looked blue, and she walked with exceeding grace, shoulders swinging and chin tilted towards sky. So delicate and petite, I couldn't believe she was named after a crossbreed.

"Sphinx! Can I have a sec?"

---

" My voice shattered, as did my balance. I struck the ground. Now? I was thinking. Why now?

In a flash, she stood over me. "Easy, Phoenix. I'm here. I'm here, okay?"

She checked my forehead.

"Hi," I managed, before choking out some saliva.

"Nessa! Get a doctor!"

---

Once again, I was staring into the eyes of not-so-blithe Dr. Blythe. He'd gained weight since I last saw him. His chin was hanging onto his neck for dear life.

"Now," he clucked, "you really need to get over this girl."

I HAVE!

"We need to cut you open," he continued matter-of-factly.

Siv

The corridors of Candon were near impossible to navigate. They wove around the school like threads of a gargantuan spiderweb. As the floor sloped steeper downward, my footsteps acquired a sharp edge, slicing through my eardrums.

I rounded a corner, and the breeze flowered into a wind. At this point, the tears were ready to spill; I was cold, lost, and frightened, and the highest authority of Candon awaited me in his office.

"You all right?"

A Trainer was walking on my opposite side. With each step, his knees sunk low toward the naked floor, like he was tiptoeing on level feet.

"Yes, sir," I said, relieved. "Would you, um, point me out to the Director's office?"

"The Director? Of course. I was only on my way to the cafetorium." The smile lines crinkled around his eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to--"

"No, no, no," he said. His voice was strangely feathery. "They're serving dragonsteak, I believe?"

"Not sure. I was running errands."

I fell into step beside him. He looked awkward, but that made him more comfortable to be around. How old was he? Forties? I couldn't tell; his skin glowed so clear. Old enough to be my father, at least.

"So," I said, hoping to ease the tension, "what's your na--?"

"Don't you feel like a murderer eating--?"

We stopped walking and chorused, "You first."

A laugh bubbled up my airways. "No, you."

"Alright," he said. "I'm Dr. Omega, and--"

"Doctor? That's a Trainer's uniform."

"No. This is a doctor's uniform." He indicated the badge by his sleeve. "Anyways, don't you feel like a murderer eating dragon?"

I hefted an eyebrow.

"Some breeds are wiser, more intellectual than humans. We only dominate Korath because--"

"--because our magic is superior," I finished. "All they're able to do is breathe fire or fly."

The air was getting damper now--damper and colder, but I realized I didn't mind. Dragon history had always fascinated me. And this Dr. Omega, with his words overlapping in his haste to speak, seemed well-educated.

"Not quite, Delta."

I froze. "What did you call me, sir?"

"Oh." He smiled apologetically. "You just ... remind me of one of my friends. Your name is Asiva, correct? My cousin--he's a Trainer--told me a bit about you."

Delta. Delta. Where had I heard that name before? Delta. Omega.

"Hauser!" I exclaimed. Dr. Omega backed into the wall, breathing harshly.

I halted. "Sir?"

"I think that I'll leave you here." The words barely squeezed through his numb lips. "Good luck with the Director."

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Snowery
Review
Snowery wrote a review · Tue Mar 04, 2014 1:50 am

Silver is back to review this one!!

Alrighty... So I'm sur that you know this wasn't as good as the first chapter but I get it because Pheonix is a harder p.o.v for you to write. This just means though that you have to take longer when writing it. I found many parts of this confusing, for example:

Then my feet seized control of my body, carrying me down the current, maneuvering through the chaos, much like I did for Siv, I couldn't help thinking. It was time I found a shoulder. It was time I consulted my sister.


I had two problems wwith this part:

1)much like I did for Siv
I just.. didn't know why that was there. Did what for Siv? What has that got to do with his feet manouvering him through the crowd?

2)maneuvering through the chaos, much like I did for Siv, I couldn't help thinking. It was time I found a shoulder. It was time I consulted my sister.

Ok so your sentences should probably be restructured here in order for it to make more sense and have more effect on the reader. I would say:
maneuvering through the chaos, much like I did for Siv. I couldn't help thinking that was time I found a shoulder. It was time I consulted my sister.

I HAAAVE!


The multiple As don't lend much to his anguish rather it sounds elongated and slightly unnatural.

"The Director? Of course. I was only on my way to the cafetorium." The smile lines crinkled around his eyes.

"Thanks!"

"Oh, no, it's my break," he said. His voice was strangely feathery. "They're serving dragonsteak, I believe?"



This was very confusing. I don't know if it's just me that kind of slow but I had to reread it several times and still didn't really get it. The first sentence is fine so is the second but the third one just throws me off completely. In particular:

"Oh, no, it's my break,"
This makes it sound as if Asiva appologised or thanked him for taking his time. The reader and Asiva should already assume that it is his break when he mentions that he's going to the caferteria. It would make more sense if you sadi something along the lines of:

"The Director? Of course. I was only on my way to the cafetorium." The smile lines crinkled around his eyes.

"Sorry for disturbing you."

"Oh, no, it's my break," he said. His voice was strangely feathery. "They're serving dragonsteak, I believe?"

Do you see what I mean?

Anyway You still have really good descriptions and imagery from both p.o.vs and you've set up a plot and mystery which we can follow. It was an interesting read and I'll be reviewing the rest soon!! Happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock

Thanks :D! This was an amazing review. I see what you mean on all points. Expect some edits by tomorrow!

Great! I'm glad I helped :D

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Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Feb 23, 2014 12:37 am

Heya Goldflame!

Here, as promised! So let's get right down to it should we? I think this was a good continuing chapter. As always, great description here. I really like the story when it's from Siv's point of view. It all flows so well and her emotions are really strong, I can just imagine her being right next to me. Also the confusion when she recalls something, but that was a good cliffhanger for the chapter ending.

What I'm not liking so much is Phoenix's side of things. I'm so confused. Yes, they call what is happening to him a normal stage of grief, and maybe they are mistaking an illness for grief? But I just feel like he isn't as strong of a character yet and we don't know much about him at all apart from the fact that he has a sister. I think you need to slow down here when it's from his point of view. Put in the emotions that you demonstrate so well with Siv and make him known to us. Phoenix makes it sound like he shouldn't be going to his sister, but instead sticking to the pills. Why? Also, I was just wondering why his sister has a bit of a stumble? It seemed a little random. It may be further explained but it would be nice if it was explained right there, or it seemed like it would stand out.

As for setting, I would still like to know a bit more about he building they're in. Everyone has dorms... but is this a housing place, or strictly for mourners or what? You've described the outside beautifully, and a perfect place to describe the indoor setting is when Siv is lost and looking around. Maybe she even knows what some areas are used for. If you do take this suggestion, be careful not to do info drops.

I don't really think I have much more to say for this chapter! I'll move on to the next, but I'm kind of tired so I might not post it until morning :)

Deanie x

Thanks :D! Your nitpicks are all spot-on. I'll edit and review your novel tomorrow!

Oh, btw, his "illness" will be explained later. I'll try to drop more hints, according to your suggestions :D.

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jls1638
Comment

Love it. I am kind of confused about what is going on with phoenix but I am not that worried about it as it's probably in the next chapter it flows really nicely and the characters are developing nicely. Over all very well written. I don't see any obvious, or not so obvious, mistakes so this is going to be pretty short. Anyway, keep it up.

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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here for a review! I hope you don't mind me following your book as you write it! I am getting really into it as you go! :D So I have a way of reviewing that I have started using. Its probably just copying other reviewers out there, but I am going to do it anyway!

So first.... Nitpicks!

I hope you don't mind me starting off with nitpicks. Usually I go through, make you very angry with me because I am being so mean, and then finish things off in a nice tone to calm your nerves. :D



It was braided today ---This might be nothing, but it seemed wrong to me. was(past tense) braided today (present tense)...


Reality: my breakfast was being cleaned up by eighteen-year-olds. Apparently janitorial work qualified as a punishment. ---Wait a sec... Who is the janitor here? Siv or Phoenix? I am a little confused, because you say it at first like it is his punishment and he is in her room to clean it, and then you say that your breakfast is cleaned up by eighteen year olds...



This is perfectly normal for someone who's contracted grief....Symptoms vary from person to person. Here, these pills might help. Strengthen your immune system.

You'd given me those same pills last week, remember? And they hadn't helped at all. They might've even made things worse.

I give up, doctor. I give up eating and swallowing berry-flavored pills. And I don't care if grief is contagious. I'm finding my stupid sister.


I am sorry I pulled out such a big chunk, but it seemed necessary for you to see what I mean in full.
So the first part, the doctor is obviously the one who is speaking, and you put it in italics to emphasize it. Then you have him thinking... and it isn't in italics, but plain text. Then you have another paragraph, where it is obviously him thinking again, but this time it is in italics...

So my suggestion here would be for the part with the doctor to be like normal speech, with quotation marks, and then have Phoenix's thoughts being in italics... :D

Favorite parts and strong points

First of all, I just want to say that your style of writing is captivating, paced perfectly in my opinion, and has just enough detail to give me a wonderful picture of what is happening, without filling the page with worthless descriptions.

I think your strongest point in your book are your characters. These characters seem to have a wonderful background. They are so passionate about what they do. They aren't perfect, and you show their weaknesses throughout... I am loving all of them, even the ones that you make out to be not so great people! Nice job there!
At first, this seemed only like a sci-fi story when I read the first chapter, but now when i read the second chapter, I can see how it is a Fantasy. I love how you make it both genres! :D Dragons and cool cars? In one book?!! Awesome!!

I would love to ramble on and on and on, but I gotta go. Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monster beckons. Come to meeeee :D Great story! I am really looking forward to chapter three! :D
~Timmyjake

Sea of Monsters? You're in for a terribly epic cliffhanger :D...

Thanks for the detailed review! I'm definitely taking your suggestion on converting that sentence to dialogue; it's genius. I also didn't realize that that second part was so confusing - it discussed eighteen-year-olds cleaning Phoenix's vomit...for detention. I think. I can't read my own writing :D. Will fix it! Thanks again!

I know. Such a cliffhanger! :D But a fun movie and book! :D
Your welcome! :mrgreen:



My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
— A.A. Milne