Nitpick your heart out!
---
Phoenix
I tried hard to stay optimistic, knowing there were only a couple days left. But the sun had never been slower.
By the sixth day, I was cleaning out the sugar in both my candy boxes.
I wondered where they'd positioned Siv. Elysvania, most likely. It lay at the southern tip of Korath, the landmass home to my kind. The forests along its borders were infested. Or northwest Agarith, with its Shapeshifter population escalating. One of my friends recently returned from there. I couldn't help but be envious; I'd never stepped outside campus borders. It wasn't allowed, unless you were assigned a mission.
Tick tock. Tick tock. In the ancient writings, that phrase referred to time. Tick tock, tick tock. And so I muttered it under my breath, hoping it'd help to trim the sun's path.
Tick tock. A doctor handed me a food capsule.
Tick tock. The lights clicked off.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick -
The sun greeted me like an old friend, planting a kiss on my cheek. I looked up to see it ribbed with clouds, as though it needed protection from the cold.
And home had never looked so beautiful. Light pooled into its numerous buildings, while the sea sang nearby, the wind joining in harmony.
I caught a sunbeam and squeezed it, and its silver essence flooded my hands. Everyone always assumed a sunbeam's essence was gold, but it was silver - molten silver, just like that vampire boy's eyes. With the ability to manipulate light, I knew most everything on sunbeams.
Everyone in Korath possessed a magic power. The potency varied, though all deteriorated at age nineteen.
Pouring the essence down my throat, I felt the world sharpened into focus, energy swarming my veins.
There were some moments I wished I could freeze, moments I could lock into my skull. Moments I could preserve, moments I could relive at need. And there were some moments I wished I could stitch together.
Moments. They were like antiques, I thought, kneeling upon the soil; the greater their age, the greater their value, and ... the greater their fragility.
---
"You're late," Trainer Hendrix barked.
I meekly took my seat in the front of the room. Several agents snickered.
"Why are you late?"
"Please, I just recovered from - "
Hendrix stepped forward, folding his hands behind his back. "You can't fool me, Korsar. The hospital releases their patients shortly after dawn."
Dawn?
"They had to do a last minute checkup," I invented, trying to remember what actually occurred.
"He was strolling about the daisies, sir!" a boy called. "I saw him!"
"H-how did you know?"
The snickering exploded into laughter. I flushed red, realizing my mistake. Too late.
Ears aflame, I sunk lower into my seat. "Enough, boys and girls, settle down," Hendrix said, but not out of sympathy for me. He was still smiling when he collected last week's essays.
Physical Training was little better. Black spots danced throughout my vision, too reminiscent of my "grieving" days, and I felt vomit burn its way up my throat. But I swallowed it back down and increased pace.
"You've lost half of your muscle over that girl," a classmate laughed.
I ignored her, proceeding to do another push-up. It wasn't the first time I wished I hadn't met Scarlet. Or the second. Or the third.
By the time lunch rolled around, I could barely stand. I had to ask the assistance of Trainer Gora.
At least lunch tasted decent. Nuts, grilled vegetables, patties. I sat with my regular group, and although their humor seemed immature, I enjoyed their company.
It took it a while, but the sun fled the sky, and we were released. I skipped dinner, heading straight to my dorm. It was so achingly familiar, the coarse carpet, the mattress shoved under the window, strewn with various articles of clothing.
I was beginning to unzip my training suit when I heard, "Uh-hum."
My hand fled to my pocket. "Who there?!"
"Siv." She sounded amused. "That's the wrong pocket."
"What do you mean, it's the wrong pocket?" I pivoted on my heel, trying to locate her.
"I'm over here, you dope. No, on the chair."
I jumped. Sure enough, she was sitting in the straight-backed chair, dressed casually, her exposed skin pallid.
"What the hell are you doing in my dorm?"
"You were in mine," she said.
"No. That's different. I needed a place to stay while people were cleaning my dorm, and I had the key to yours. How'd you even get - ?"
Her lips ticked up in a smile. "Magic."
"Am I the only friend you have?"
"Yes," she said, unabashed. "Aren't you going to ask how my mission went?"
"I'm tired," I replied curtly, and I flopped onto my mattress, still fully suited.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I'm BACK!!!! Again
You say that your writing deteriorates when it's clearly the opposite 
So can I just say that this was an awesome chapter? I have so many good things to say
Ok so let's get into it:
This sentence is just BRILLIANT. Such a good metaphor! Awesome stuff.
That sentence there? It's magical. Why? Not because of big fancy words or flashing neon light attached to it but because in a stroke you've subtle conveyed the reason why the agents are so young. Great technique
This was AMAZING!!!!! Best peice of writing I have ever seen on this site. Just beautiful. You are seriously talented.
Ok, so at the moment we're hearing some really fancy names without really knowing what to do with them. You've managed to get me picturing the setting of you're story to some extent but not really a wider world to fit it into. You've been mentioning all sorts of weird and wonderful creatures like fairies, vampires and dragons in quite a modern setting which is really different to anything that's really out in the market at the moment. This is good but it means that we don't really have anything to compare it to and thus solely rely on your descriptions. As Deanie said I think you're at the point where you have to start dropping bigger hints about not only the setting but also the wider world.
Wow this guy has lost his girlfriend and someone actually said this to him? Either their really tough at this place or that kid saying it is a real B****
Fascinating line. It's not the first time that Phoe's mentioned regrets about dating Scarlet. It leaves me quite curious, especially since he seemed to mentally get over her death rather quickly. He seems to have been quite reluctant in becoming involved with her which leaves me to wonder why he did. Great little bit of inserted mystery, it's one of the things that are keeping me interested.
Ok this is [i]really[/] nit picking to the core but I really feel that the ending would have been much more climactic if you ended on the first sentence. The second bit to me just sort of brought it down slightly but that's just my opinion.
Alrgihty that brings me to the end of my review. I hope it helped!! Happy writing!!
Silverlock
Wow. This review's so insightful, I'm starting to suspect you're not human. You also picked up on things I wasn't sure the reader would. Thank you!!!
Hey Goldflame!
I also really liked how you had the tick tock scene in there. It was a good way to show time passing but without doing a jump or rushing it.
So this might be a shorter review because I could barely see anything wrong with this. I like how at the end you kind of summed up the relationship with Siv and Phoneix by just showing how much they act like casual best friends
You mentioned that Phoenix had never stepped outside of campus borders. Why not? What qualifies Siv to do it and not him? What do they do at campus borders? Only train and never go out and actually have practice missions or something? I was very curious there, and it is a point where you could do a bit more explaining.
Another point similar to this one was when Phoenix said he wished he never met Scarlet. And he said it wasn't the first time either. Is it all for the same reason, because he got teased? Or were there others? I would like to know!
Things like the two I just mentioned above are not as important as what you've got down already, just small details. But they're the things readers pick up on and want to hear more about!
You had my favourite part of this novella in this chapter. It was when Phoenix described the moments, and how fleeting they were, and how they changed over time. And you did this shortly after correcting us on what light looks like, how it's silver, and how he drinks it to revive himself. You described it so beautifully, it was so amazing to read. No really, I loved it <333 And I think that is a line that people would quote for ever if you published this ^^ At least I know I would.
So! Some points to ponder, some to be pleased with. Please do continue writing this though, because you said you might not, and I really think you should! Let me know on my wall or something whenever the next chapter is up, I'll be happy to read it!
Deanie x
Thank you! I absolutely love your reviews!
I like this chapter, not only with more that is said on the quotes but with the background on the society. The knowledge that everyone develops a power and the sun info is very good to know and I feel will be very prominent through the story. I still don't quite understand why he is sick. I think it would be beneficial to go into it more other than just saying it's due to guilt? it would be good to explain that a little better though. I can't think of anything else off the top of my head other than I would like to hear more from Asiva's perspective. It seems like you mention her slightly then completely ignore her.
Thanks! Another helpful review! The reason for his illness is revealed at the climax...I hope that's not too long a wait. And, yes, I suppose I have been neglecting Siv. *sighs* I'll devote the next chapter to her perspective...
Yea I saw that. I already left a review on that one and can't wait for a new chapter. If you need any help just message I would be happy to.
Thank you so much! Just replied to the fifth.
Timmy here for a quick review!!

Besides, I kind of want to see things from her point of view sometime. 
Sorry I didn't review this sooner! For some reason, when I saw it, I had this idea that I had already reviewed and read it, but when I looked closer again, I realized my mistake! Sorry about that!
Nitpicks
I am sorry, I looked this over very carefully, but I couldn't find any. None. Seriously. And you know me. I can find them! But in this perfect piece, there is nothing to critique!
Favorites and Style
Your descriptions are sooo.... perfect. I see everything like I am Phoenix, drinking in the silver sunlight. Seeing everything from the way he sees it. From his perspective. You are an amazing writer and I am sorry I haven't seen this before...
Your pacing is just wonderful, and I don't understand how you can describe something so short, and yet so vivid and realistic!
Phoenix seems like a pretty awesome character, really. He is blunt, humble, very brave, and I love his personality. He is really shining in these chapters!
Now one thing I am going to critique, and this isn't really a critique, but more like a comment, is Siv. Just remember that you are her creator. You complain that she is a whiner? Change her, then, unless you want one of your heroes to be a whiner! You have you finger over her, and you can change her if you want to.
All I have to comment on. Sorry this is so short, but there isn't much to review, except praises!!!!
~Timmyjake
Thank you!!! You haven't seen the worst of Siv
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