Once there were three little pigs,
Bob, Bob and Bob were their names.
They were all owners of oil rigs,
And they all lived on the same conveniently easy to find dirt road.
There is also a big bad wolf!
He owns a rival oil company!
Filled with lots of wolfs!
All hungry and eager for porkish food...
So one day the wolf and his wolfish henchman,
Set down the pigs old dirt road.
And called upon his benchmen,
To rest his explosives and gear upon.
He found the first house, it was made of sticks!
The wolf thought,
He's taking the mick!
And blew the house up.
Next he found the second house, it was made of bricks!
The wolf thought,
I'd like to throw a brick at him!
So he threw a brick at the poor pigs head.
Next he found the third house, it was made of...
Heavy duty steel!
The wolf thought,
I'd like to cook him for my meal!
Now the angry third pig saw the wolf,
He poked his head out and ragedt,
I'd like to blow his head off!
I'd like to avenge my brothers!
So he pulled out his assault rifle,
And shot his head clean off.
And now children, that is why,
Don't mess with pigs.[/
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Ahahehehoho! Mwahahahaha!
)
Enough with the peculiar laughs, time to pick holes!
Firstly, there are no stanzas. This would be improved methinks by stanzas separating the pigattacks. (New compound word
And there is a grevious case of last word repetition evident towards the end of the poem. The offensive word: off.
Ohh, and you have a weird punctuation type thing at the end of the poem. I don't know what it is, so I guess it is merely a mistake.
Now for the jolly bit. This was great, particularly the initial bit, calling them all Bob was a touch that I liked.
Anyway keep up the good word and somesuch.
Take That You Fiend!
oh my gosh * belly roll laughing* that was so funny im like dang. At first i thought it would be like a Rockefeller taking out the small oil company type poem and was like okay pigs hurray! beat that wolf furry tail. But, instead you made your own twist on a classic fairy tale. My favorite part was first when the pig blew up the wolf and the wolf's thoughts and second the end, the moral of the poem. don't mess with pigs and i have to agree after reading this i am no longer going to think pigs as cute awesome animals but instead bad butt. I enjoyed your humorous effect of this poem and while the poem was well and a sing song sort of poem it would be much better as a fable or an ode to sing to children about the danger of messing with pigs *jokes* over all keep writing and good work
Also i do agree with Iggy when they said " Other than that, this poem was clearly meant to be light and humorous, and that it was! I enjoyed it very much and I especially liked the alternate ending, where the pig kills the wolf. I like the dark twist you put on this and the comical feel behind the words. Since it was meant to be funny, there isn't much I can say to critique it, other than how well you conveyed the goal, which was to be funny. Overall, it was a nice poem, and a nice twist"
Oh my gosh, this had me laughing so hard. "Conveniently easy-to-find dirt road," "it was made of...heavy-duty steel!" and the pig killing the wolf with the assault rifle...oh my God. Hilarious.
I know the Olympic event was to rewrite a fairytale as a poem (I think, right?), but if I may make a suggestion I'd ask you to retell this in the style of a fairytale or fable rather than as a poem, now that the contest is over. You've got great comedic elements and a good story here--it's mostly the rhymes that are giving you trouble. A lot of them are awkward or weird (benchmen? What does that even mean?), and then at the very end you completely lose them.
So I'd say, sit down and rewrite this as a short story rather than a poem. And if you do, please link me to it, because I'd be more than happy to read it again and give you fresh feedback on it.
Blue
fantastic!
You've no idea how familiar this is to me. I almost thought I had reviewed this before. Maybe it was because someone else did a poem on the Three Little- Mice! Three Blind Mice. That was it. But I digress; let's get onto the review xD
Okay, so, onto the review.
Nitpicks:
That should be pigs'.
I believe you meant henchmen here.
This makes no sense.
That's not a word?
Make sure you remove the [/ at the end. Coding mistake? Anyways, the transition between these two lines was weird. Perhaps fix the last line so it says "You shouldn't mess with pigs." or something like that.
On the poem itself:
I really disliked the forced rhythm. It choppy, disrupted what flow the poem had, and just didn't make sense at some points, as I pointed out in the nitpicks. You created weird forms of words just to get a AABB rhythm and that just won't work. It ruined the poem's flow, unfortunately. Don't ever feel like you have to rhyme, because you don't have to. And if you can't get some words to rhyme, then just forget it. Forcing it to rhyme is like forcing a tree to bend; it looks weird in the end.
Other than that, this poem was clearly meant to be light and humorous, and that it was! I enjoyed it very much and I especially liked the alternate ending, where the pig kills the wolf. I like the dark twist you put on this and the comical feel behind the words. Since it was meant to be funny, there isn't much I can say to critique it, other than how well you conveyed the goal, which was to be funny. Overall, it was a nice poem, and a nice twist, but definitely not something I will be reading to my almost two year old brother.
Thanks for the review!
By the way benchmen was intended; I know it is not a real word.
Ragedt was just a typo, I meant raged.
And the mick part is part of dialect which means that he is deliberately trying to annoy you.
*my dialect*
ha! I just read this to my younger sisters. They loved it!
good job