Authors Note: I'm not so sure of the 2nd stanza but meh.
When the world curls and burns,
And it descends into chaos.
I'll just stand, stare, think,
At what was to be,
But cannot be,
Anymore.
I'll climb up the tallest mountain,
Gaze down at the scorched land,
With anarchy and pain beriddled in it.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hey Alex! Here as requested.
First off, while you don't like the second stanza so much, I enjoyed it more than the first. It packed more of a punch, made more of an impact on the reader. You used good imagery to describe how the narrator felt about the world and what was going on, so it painted a more vivid picture than the former stanza.
On the first stanza, I liked it too, but I felt like it ended awkwardly. The last three lines clashed, and the transition from one to the next wasn't as smooth as the beginning of that stanza was. For example:
This clashed, because the simply way of stating the actions were nice, but you can't really "think at" someone or something, can you? You can think about something or someone, but not at. Therefore, the transitions were a bit choppy there.
Also here:
I think that this would've been stronger had you combined the two lines into one.
But other than that, I really enjoyed the poem! It was clear and easy to understand and follow, and nice imagery was used to add to it, but not overdo it. The message was conveyed clearly and flow was strong for the most part. I enjoyed this very much. ^^ Thanks for sharing!
Like my brother below this has a very John Martin post apocalyptic feel to it, however I do not read it as postaapocalyptic. More an outsider view on today.
A small criticism on the third line, second stanza. I feel it is the wrong way round, and would sound better as "beriddled with anarchy and pain. " (I laugh as my spell check tells me I meant to write befuddled. "
Oh, by the way, I like the triplets in the third line, and it would be nice to see an echo of that in the second verse.
Anyway very well done, keep up the good work etc.
Take That You Fiend!
This was an exciting read. I wanted to review it, but I found no nitpicks!
Very well done!
Very odd. I like the inevitable feel of this poem, and the world-weary attitude of the poem's persona. It reminds me of a painting called 'The Last Man', by John Martin (http://www.rc.umd.edu/editions/mws/lastman/jmartin.htm), in which following some apocalypse, the sole survivor surveys the wreckage. Without a doubt, the poem's crowning glory lies in the irony of the final two lines; all the world's wonder has been torn from it by the actions of men. And just how wonderful can a world be, if such wanton destruction is caused. This poem struck a chord in me, perhaps echoing off my own personal fear of nuclear weapons, and their after effects, to which this poem certainly feels like a reference, though I don't suppose that that was your intention. All in all, a very good poem.
Thanks!
Really cool concept that you have here between the first and the second stanza. It was different and I thought it was intriguing. I really like the first stanza it was very dramatic and slightly dark I really had a great time reading it. I thought your poem was very good and definitely manages to get an apocalyptic vive across. Great job I thought it was awesome.
Thanks!