The day

Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
This is a very emotionally intended piece, although I can see this as a school project.
You have a wonderful sense of description in this piece, although your structure is a little off-putting in my mind. Sorry! I always expect there to be something else to the end of these fabrications and it almost leaves a sense of sadness as I don't get that little bit more that I want to fulfill the experience beautifully.
Also, I found your last lines in the verses are a tad off with the rest of the verse. For instance,
" The day the fires came burning,

We screamed and ran to her,

Away from our lost homes,

Leaving the moans and groans of death."

This may sound a bit odd, but I hear a sort of soothing and softness in the stature of the first three lines, then there comes a horrid, harsh word such as 'death.' In my opinion, this verse in particular may sound better if you replace the word 'death' with maybe 'betrayal' or something better suited to your vocabulary, as that is actually not a very good example. It was the best I could think of! Sorry!

Anyhow, I believe that is enough nitpicking for one review here. It really is a wonderful poem, but the best of writers can still improve
Keep writing!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover

Sooooo, wow? Like, mega ultra fantastical wow?

This was absolutely stunning; the way you write and use the words is just... Okay wow. I really do love how this is written and the story you tell becomes so clear. My only small issue, is that in the last full stanza, you changed tenses from the first line to the rest; I don't know if you were saying that this protagonist still does it in the present, let alone the past. I don't know if there would need any revision, or if it's meant to mean that.

Otherwise I love this so damn much. Well done.

Hi !

Well you just reviewed a poem of mine and I happened to find yours in the green room.

First of all, you deserve appreciation because writing at 13 is not so easy, especially when it comes to poems.

I liked the theme and your presentation. But only that, I feel sometimes the lines fail to correlate each other, which breaks the tempo of reading and understanding your plot.
But then too, you are very young, and this is not a very big flaw to mention.

So, keep doing what you already are doing.
Stay as wonderful you are.
And yes, I look forward for some more of your works.

MarS

Well hello there young poet!

Only 13! Man, I can't remember when I was that young.

Now, your poetry was lovely as it tried to tell a story, which is my favorite kind of poetry.

You have some good lines here, I feel expressed quite well such as:

"Blazing death on us"

And now time for the constructive criticisms (this is always tough to impart), the most glaring part is the sudden change from the 3rd person POV --> 1st person POV in the second to last stanza. If you want to do something like this, you might want to hint at the concept of a 1st person POV earlier in the poem to recall later on in the poem.

Trite expressions are hard to break from, (things we often hear in movies, other books, and other overused wordings). There are quite a few here, but I don't think it is really condemnable, it serves its purpose, and as a young poet, I think it is ok to rely on those primarily to learn and develop your own soon enough.

Finally, the RIP at the end, I believe, wasn't in the best taste. It's far too straightforward, too abrupt, too trite, and I would find some other way to end it. Sure, it draws a conclusive finale, but it isn't the most artistic way to go about it my friend.


Overall I enjoyed your poem, do keep at it! Never be satisfied with your works, and strive to perfect beauty in words poetically expressed!



Best Regards,

Jcha92