Young Summer breeze
Something of a dream
Grass eating my feet
Soles leather from adventure
*
The Sun shining bright
Then the Moon's pure delight
Fireflies dancing through the emerald trees
As the glow catches smiles
*
Water soothing to the skin
Friends around jumping in
Laughter ringing through the air
The world not known to cares
*
Eyes worn now blink
The grin then to sink
That life now long gone
For now it is nothing but memory
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi there! I was looking for things to review and I realized that I had completely forgotten that you have things submitted on here other than LAPIS
Write s'more! Sorry this review is so short. As I said I'm not an expert in poetry xD
So, down to the review;
Now, I'm no expert in this sort of poetry- I normally stick to poems by Edgar Allen Poe or epic poems- but I will do my best to review!
I like the overall tone of this poem. I love the summery feeling coming from it and the sense of nostalgia.
I feel like you could have done a little bit more to make it more personal. Add some things that may have been more specific to your feelings.
Anywho, great job! I didn't know you wrote poetry
Hope you submit more stuff soon~
-LittleFox
Hello, Serene. This is Margo in the hood for a review.
This poem has some killer word pairs. "Emerald trees" and "young summer." Nice ones! My favorite stanza out of this poem is the very first one. It flows beautifully and immediately makes me think of those days when I was a kid rolling around in the grass and getting covered in green stains! Bravo!
To improve this poem, I would remove the ryhme and shorten a few lines. WHAT?! I know, it sounds crazy to remove the ryme. I'm a bit picky when it comes to rhyming. In poetry, I either rhyme or I don't because I find that inconsistent rhyme breaks the flow of a poem. Experiment with this. Try taking out the rhyme and replacing these words with other words. Read it out loud and see how it sounds. In terms of shortening lines, just get rid of the 'ing' on some words. Example: "Fireflies dancing through the emerald trees" --> "Fireflies dance through emerald trees" The good thing about writing is that there is lots of room for experimentation. Try my suggestions out if you want and see if you like the effect. If you take my suggestions and don't like how the poem turns out, you can always revert back to your original.
It is a beautiful piece of poetry. Keep thinking creatively!
#Rugido Sol
Hi Serene!
So, I'll start off with review with what I liked. As Summer is coming really soon it made me feel all excited. It generally had a nice and soothing atmosphere, and I like how the last paragraph was so different. Even though it was actually quite sad, it was still interesting and unexpected, which is always good in poetry. I think the rhythm and metre was very good, it flowed really well when I read it. I think that's due to the rhyming, which I'll have more to say on.
As for suggestions, I don't think there's a lot to say. I really do enjoy the simplicity of this, however it might be a bit too simple? Simple probably isn't the right word here, but I think with a poem of this topic, some imagery would be really good to use here because it'd really help to describe summer. To be honest, you've already started doing this with the
. Both of those are examples of some more interesting imagery, but this
isn't because it's something I think we've all heard before. That's fine, but just think how you can expand on this description, and other ones in the poem. What does a shining sun remind you of? As in you personally, try and think of a metaphor that is personal to you because it'll allow people to understand the poem better, and how it relates to you, as the poet. Try using different techniques, picture what you're trying to describe and try and write it in the most interesting way you can, it'll make your poem stand out more.
My other suggestion is because the last stanza is so different in terms of subject, I thought that maybe it could be different in the way its layout. It's quite a sad message but I think if you made it look different to the other stanzas then I think it'll just add something else to the poem.
Overall, I really liked this! Sorry I didn't have a lot to say, but I really did enjoy the simplicity of the poem. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything!
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
So, the fact that you would like this when I wrote it up in five minutes at the end of class just makes me, LOL
Thanks a lot for the input!
~Maddie
in that case, it's really good for five minutes of work!
xx
Hey there Serene! It's something different to be reading your poetry
Happy Review Day!
Firstly, you did a pretty good job here. You used few words, but you managed to still create an image of some happy days outside and among friends in my mind. And I can think of someone who is older thinking back and reflecting on these good times from when they were younger. So really, it wasn't too hard to get the message I think! Simple and beautiful
One thing that would be nice though, would be add more of the poem and make it more specific. You mention things like laughter and beautiful days which are general fun times the person has had. But maybe mention a certain time so you could describe it in more detail.
Take this stanza for example:
Now I will make it specific, for example a campfire moment they are enjoying.
The Sun shining bright
then the Moon's pure delight
Fireflies dancing through the emarld trees
as the glow catches smiles.
Burning marshmallows that fall into the flame
The sing a longs and familiar games
Nights where no one sleeps, but plays
an endless game until the next day.
So now we see them singing and playing games, burning marshmallows and staying up all night! And that was all just from one extra verse. So toy around with make some more detailed memories where you can add in some verses.
It would also be nice to add some poetic techniques along the way like similes and metaphors or so. That way the lines could see less short and maybe more longer and creative. But a thing is that the short and direct meaning works well here for you, so it is up to you if you want to change that or not. It is up to you and what you want to do!
I hope this helped
Deanie x
Hey there, SereneSimpliciT!
I am first of all impressed with the consistency of the relative consistency of the meter in this poem, even with such short lines. Four syllables in each? Or at least four beats? It's short and it keeps us moving quickly through this poem -- a nice brisk dip in nostalgia.
I wonder about the rhyming in stanzas two and four. Does trees rhyme with smiles? Gone with memory? With a little more thinking and editing, I bet you could find better words for those lines to keep the rhyme scheme. Breaking it up distracts us from the light pace of the poem, and slows us down where we want to keep going.
Now, as for the material, I love how simple and pure each concrete image is. They work well, work vividly, and support your message. The grass, the feet, sun, the moon, the fireflies, the water (I imagine a pond in the middle of a woods with kids jumping in from the banks), and at last the worn eyes. Each works well in moving me through the story. I wonder if you might bring in one more image in the last stanza when you edit the last line. Is there another thing we might want to see as the last image -- the one we remember as we digest the poem -- something other than the eyes?
Also, there were a few phrases I thought were awkward that you might like to look at:
I feel like I understand what it's supposed to mean, but something in the grammar is off. Cares don't know the world? Maybe you wanted something like "The world that knows no cares"??
The previous line is so solid, to see this line falter in poetic phrasing is especially noticeable. Maybe you could fill the rhythm with something like "The grin starts to sink?"
Hopefully these suggestions and thoughts are helpful to you!
Pm me or reply to this review if you have any questions/comments.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Hi, alliyah is here to review your poem!
Your capitalization is consistent with caps at the beginning of each line, and no punctuation. So, that looks good. The rhyme scheme also looks good. The personification of the fireflies dancing is my favorite line "Fireflies dancing through the emerald trees". I think you really capture the ideas of summer, and although the ending is a little sad, I think that makes it more unique. The only part of this poem that I dislike a little bit are these two lines;
"Grass eating my feet/ Soles leather from adventure".
I understand what you're saying, but just imagining Grass eating feet! is a little bit weird. Besides that, I really love the poem and enjoyed reading it.
Have a good summer, and good luck on the rest of your writing!
~alliyah
Hi, happy smilers here to review!
I really dont see anything wrong with this piece of work. It flowed very nicely, it all made perfect sense.I like the medifor you used, with the you being eaten by the grass. Bitter sweet at the end, were the eyes grow dim!
I really enjoyed this poem!!!
Such amaze
Many beautiful
Very young
So wow
Wow Sarah, just wow XDDD
But thanks LOL
Much welcome
So appreciate
Many love
It wouldn't allow me to paragraph it
I think you can put something like this "*" or this "~" between stanzas to separate them. I'm not sure if it works, but I think it does. It might be worth a try, if you still wanted it formatted.
Thank you ^^