Confusing Lovers

Love is something that all little girls dream of. We dream of a handsome prince who will come and sweep us off our feet, and will protect us from the evil witches and dragons that dare try to harm us.

I thought that you were my prince. You were the right height, the right body type, hell, even your hair was right. You were the first and only to make me feel like I was something worth more than a laugh or an ugly joke. You protected me, threatening anyone who tried to put me down or made me feel inferior.

You called me beautiful...you told me that you loved me with all your heart...

You told me that you'd never leave me.

But then the reality of the world crashed into our happiness and ripped us apart at the seams, made us feel that what we had was wrong, inferior and a sin in the eyes of God. I stayed strong, knowing that my feelings were true. I had people who supported me, and as long as I heard you tell me that you loved me, I was content with my share of pain. Though, slowly, the poison of their words began to darken your mind, convince you that their lies were fact. You drifted away from me, to the point that you disappeared completely, leaving me hanging on by a single "grow up" before your voice, your light, vanished from me.

People say that death is when you are shot in the head or the heart and you bleed out, your heart no longer beats, breath no longer escapes your lungs, and thought no longer trails aimlessly through your mind. When you can no longer communicate and when your skin is cold, that is death.

Loss of what you cared for more than yourself...that is death. Don't try to say it's not, the feeling of utter emptiness and lonliness stabs at your soul like a daggar, ripping and shreding the hopes, the dreams, the goals you had established, and your meaning drips from your dying body, leaving you as an empty shell, a corpse.

You feel as if your heart is yanked from your chest and set a flame, tossed into a shredder, and turned into crumbling pieces of dust that you once possesed. Your memories are stinging shots of torture, reminding you of what you lost and what you're without for forever more. You die emotionally...mentally...even if you're body is untouched, your soul is shattered.

For many days, months, I continued to walk with what was left of my heart dangling by torn threads, bandaged as best it can considering my internal suffering. I saw you, though our visits were only seconds, moments that you never even noticed.

I began to think over our time together. I never did anything worth the suffering I was given, and you acted as if nothing had happened, simply ignoring that I existed. I think back to when you used to care so much, would never say anything against me, only loving things that made me stronger. What happened to that part of you? Did it die from the poison that your 'comrades' gave you?

No, cause I suddenly meet you again in my darkness. You're as lost and broken as I am, though as soon as you sense my touch, you take hold of me and don't release, pulling me into your nostalgic embrace, reminding me of your love by kissing me tenderly. It's in this darkness that my soul heals with your touch, and all the love that I felt beats fast in my heart. I am alive again. You hold me close, protecting me as I had always wished. A smile of joy peaks on my face. I never believed that you would still want to hold me, that you still love me.

Or do you?

When the light comes back, you hide again, leaving me blinded in the bright shine of the world. I want to stand with you, hold your hand tight in mine, and hear you say that you'll never again leave my side. But you disappear, leaving me to defend myself. I look for you, and in the hazed corner, I find you, your back to me. I reach out to you, asking for you to comfort me, telling you that I just want you. That I love you.

You don't turn towards me, you simply stand there and say "I'm not supposed to be talking to you."

Do you realize that your words are sharper than the daggars that the world shot at me? The way you so easily cast me aside, is that supposed to be something I understand? You tell me in darkness that you still care, still love me, but in the light where we should bloom, you shrivel and turn away. That is more cowardly than anything I've ever seen! If you care, than show it, be the man I thought that you are! Yes, I know that the world doesn't accept what we know, but that doesn't mean that you should allow me to fall apart if the lights are on! Protect me like the person I know you can be, don't leave me alone. I'm not a fool, and I'm not just a piece of property with no emotion that you can just toss aside.

Don't laugh, telling me that my confusion is "half of the fun."...That's awful...

Please, I don't want to fall back into the darkness...

I just want to be with you.