If tonight
You could be here
Under the unknown,
Would you sit with me?
Would you be there
When I close my eyes
And still be around
As sun starts to rise?
Demons lurk in the shadows
Trying to take forms
And devour all the warmth
That tries to protect me
But if you were nearby,
Would you be there
As tears begin to be cried
And wake me from darkness?
The wings that used to shield
Have grown weaker
Since I've been exposed
To this world's sins
Innocence is shattered
Youth is fading
Reality has taken hold
And soaked my wings black
I've called many times
To God up above
Yearning for comfort
Yet seeing little response
Though now I see
God can't answer silly wishes
But I do know
He sent me a new shield
You may not be the wings
That through my youth
Granted me the power
To see what is now fogged
But unlike before
When I was young I was alone
So for you to be here
I accept an equal trade
Tell me you will be there
To hold my hand
Pull me close
And whisper to me as the sins fade
"I won't let you lose your wings
Those little things may not
Be the same you used to know
But what you don't see
Is clear to me...
You're what let's me fly."
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello, I thought that this was very well written on the terms of imagery, description, and emotion. The way you put things together from each piece of the growing story was sort of like watching a curtain open: you could see more as you kept watching. I thought your personal placement in the importance of wings, and especially how you ended the poem with their significance was really beautiful. The only trouble I had with this was the misplaced, here&there ,sort of rhyming. There were a few spots where you did rhyme whereas, in most of the poem, you chose not to formulate words in relational ways according to their sounds. I understand that sometimes this can be very difficult when you're writing about a personal experience or feelings that are passionate and deeply rooted, but I think you could have accomplished displaying things better if you had challenged yourself and worked to make things more lyrical. I really love this poem for all that it already is, but I do believe there was a lot more that could be admired. Keep writing and sharing because you're really good at revealing your emotions through words.
Hey, yo, SereneSimpliciT! Strangelove here on this PokeReview Day and I have a quick review for you!
This poem has two layers, that I'll get to in a moment, and it veins through the whole poem. The two layers cancel each other out, mostly a stale mate. You have one great layer, that does detail emotion and all those feels, that is under the main layer.
Layer 1: Emotion and meaning as I interpreted
Like it was said below, I believe this is about trust issues. The narrator needs to rely on one person to be there because no one else was there. You also mentioned God and stuff, which adds a lot of realistic value. Most can relate to this. I also like how the narrator keeps asking and begging the other person. Sadly, this is the layer under the big layer
The Main Layer (2): The actual poem
The actual poem, how you written it and all that, doesn't hit me as much as I would like it to. IT felt simple. I would like it if it was more complex, but yet was still somewhat simple. I was disappointed at that factor. This could be a better poem, but I don't know what went wrong ultimately.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you...
7.8/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
This peice brought to mind, for me, trust issues. Testing wether he person will guide you through the unknown, being weary of the times where you lose consciousness. The religous undertones are clear, but I think if you read he bible, Im not saying you havent, you eould find that god has answered much sillier issues. Both his and those of the "flawed". Sorry just had to give you my two coins about religion. Please dont feel like you owe anything to "god". But anyways flipping to the other side your poem is interesting and the comparision of angel wings with a sheild, soaking up "sin" until the guilt is to great, was substantial. I would suggest that you overview your writing and just make it flow a bit easier. Again your work is good but it just needs polish. Hope this helped! And keep on going.