It started simple; a small infatuation
Spreading like poison between two minds
I never asked for this murderous invitation
But it looks like I’m falling down tonight'
*
Look through the room at lonely couples
Too busy seeing what they want to see
Is that what you see in our future?
Is that why you always hit me till I bleed?
*
Well, I’ve come accustomed to such adoration
The punches and shaming are numbing
I should’ve just cut this noose of exploitation
But something about it tightening makes me not want to leave
*
So, what madness is next?
*
Whoever taught you of neckties and dark fools?
Acting like a monster yet trying to be cool
Like the ice that you spit easy from your lips
Why do I still want to fall to the abyss?
*
You gain nothing from nothing
How am I guilty by just thinking of you?
Twisting words into a chokehold on my mind
Leaving tears strewn like you think you’ll leave nothing good behind
*
I see a smile that can wipe out the past pain
Your hand in mine stitches up my heart
Beautiful words write codes of hope and harmony
Please realize that you don’t have to be like this
*
There’s manufactured laughter in the smoke around you
Laced with that poison you drink all the time
Reaching out I want to save us both from emptiness
But still you just shoot me down with your dagger lines
*
I know you don’t see what’s in the imagery of reality
You draw it out before it’s all clear
Fogging it out with your false judgement of beer
Which you use to fight off your emotion-based fear
*
So, draw a line in the sand of our time
Drop the soaked blade and just open your eyes
This tightrope walk is almost over
So, will you let the poison save what’s real?
*
Or, will you fall to a place I can no longer fight for you my dear?
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey there, Thanataphobic here for another review!
This poem is so full of emotion and power, it knocked me off my feet. Anyway, I'm just going to lightly brush over some topics in regards to this brilliant piece of writing.
- Rhyming & Rhythm
I noticed that the rhyming scheme sometimes changed from ABCB to AABB, or to another scheme entirely, and that disrupted the flow. But honestly, even that couldn't take away from the wonder I felt as I read this piece.
- Linking of Stanzas
I felt as if the stanzas had little to do with each other, and I had a little bit of trouble trying to piece it together. I picked up on how the narrator was first percieved as the victim, but as the poem went on, it was their lover that turned into the victim. I personally feel like the running theme of the poem is victimisation and falling prey to emotions. Or I might be totally off.
- Imagery
The imagery was fantastic. Certain lines brought certain images to my head, and it was like I was wading through clouds of awe and amazement.
Anyway, keeping things light and simple, I was very impressed and look forward to some of your other works! Keep writing and I hope you have an amazing day/night!
"Whoever taught you of neckties and dark fools?", woah.
That one line there has enough imagery to have my mind wandering elsewhere to wise and experienced veterans of a shadow society. A smile that hides cruelty ya know? The neckties, the fancy side of the supposed dark side and the dark fools being the hotheaded greenhorns looking to prove themselves by being overly violent and reckless. Seems insignificant for one single line at first glance. But who only reads poem once? I'm not a poet myself, not naturally anyway, but I do think each one that someone does take the time to read should be read more than once. At least twice if nothing else, since sometimes, the vague lines such as this that seem lacking in meaning, can often hide the most profound and mysterious of stories yet untold, ya know? Or maybe that's just my thoughts and nothing else.
"There’s manufactured laughter in the smoke around you", another woah.
Of course the next three lines shed light on the meaning of the verse as a whole, but for a first and beginning line to the verse, gotta say it was another vague line that at first glance, only seemed to "support" the entire verse as a whole and nothing more. Of course, a second reading as I usually do, revealed much more in my imagination. If nothing else, I could paint a picture of loss and hopeless smiles hidden by clouds of nicotine. Or maybe something else? I suppose it doesn't really matter though. It all goes one way or the other.
Anyway, this was good. Once again, I don't do the grammar, structure, and etc. crap. Not even sure if I do it correctly my self, and poetry is most certainly not my style. So from a non-biased, uneducated in poetry standpoint of view, this was pretty striking and pleasant to the mental imagery of myself if nothing else. 8/10 if the had those kinds of star things here.
Hi SereneSimpliciT jessiebear is righting a review on how to help you in prove this poem.
What I like a pout this poem is that it rimes really well to gather, and it is all so very dramatic here and there but I like that so that is what I like a bout this poem.
But what I think needs fixing is the punctuation and a little bit more description. But every won makes those mistakes. I do hope you will keep up the good work and rite more poems.