So, hey guys. Here's another poem Scarli wrote when she was kinda bored and in the car. Enjoy! Crit and comment and whatever. <3
Watch Me Burn
Do you wanna watch me burn?
I promise you it's only fire
and fire can't hurt me now.
It didn't have to be this way;
Why did you give them my name
when the revolution called?
So put me on the stake,
and set it on fire,
then watch me burn;
I promise you it's not my desire.
Wasn't it yours?
Fire can't hurt me now.
Did you know I called your name
when they set me to burn?
I hope you remember that,
because I promise I won't forget.
You can trust me on that; I'm no liar.
Fire can't hurt me now but maybe you can.
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Alright. I very much enjoyed the concept behind this.
However, I feel the first two stanzas may lack a bit of rhythm and flow.
The last one flows nicely, though.
There is a great sense of betrayal and haunting within this stanza.
Calling out the one who has betrayed you, such a bold statement.
And the lines:
"I hope you remember that,
because I promise I won't forget.
You can trust me on that; I'm no liar."
These flow so well The rhythm here is nice.
And the tone is very controlling and blunt, like the subject demands attention.
Great job, and keep up the good work.
xx- Delirium
Hey There. This is good. I like what you've tried to convey. And I found it really intense too. I will just make a suggestion. I Consider turning it into a free verse. At some places the rhyme feels forced. And it would flow a lot better if you made the alteration.
This is a personal opinion so you can overlook it if you want.
Harshita
Hello!
First off, the first stanza reminded me of a mix the songs "Love the Way you Lie" by eminem or whoever, and "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. That's probably why I think this would make a good song. ^_^
I really like the first stanza. I really have nothing to suggest you fix except for you might not want the capitalized W on Why, because you don't have to capitalize after a semicolon, but feel free to leave it there if you want to.
In the second stanza "desire" seems a little bit like forced rhyme, and since I see no rhyme in the first stanza, I wonder if you really want that there. The whole line sounds a little bit off rhythm anyway. So I'd think about changing the fourth and fifth line. Maybe you could add some interesting imagery like swirling embers or burning clothes. Everything else is pretty great in this stanza though.
The last stanza was great! I loved the meaning behind it, and it was very simple. I felt like the line "You can trust me on that; I'm no liar" was a bit redundant though.
All in all, this was a great poem! Thanks for writing it. Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis