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Fall of a Queen

by Zolen


Falling
Never can take us
the madness does break us
Insanity
One by one, the monkeys fall
the jack does black
the queen does draw
the blade
the blade
it shines so bright
then we say good night, goodnight, goodnight

Falling
madness does break us
the queen does all shake us
Insanity
night by night, by night, by night
we do stand and
Knife by night, by night, by night
we do stand
Blade by blade, blade by blade, blade by blade
Hey, queen does stand here today


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193 Reviews


Points: 408
Reviews: 193

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Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:28 am
Niraco wrote a review...



Hello, Zolen! I'm Niraco here to review! (she says in a super hero tone).

Anyway, I'm not really good at reviewing lyrical poetry but I am semi-good and reviewing normal poetry. I have mixed feelings about this poem.

For starters I don't like the repetition. I find it to be slightly annoying at times. Then again this is lyrical, I'm guessing you would in fact need to have repetition...I'm not really sure. I would in fact have liked the repetition if it wasn't used to much. Perhaps once or twice but not five (from what I counted).

The only time I thought this technique worked well was in the first stanza:

the queen does draw
the blade
the blade


I thought this was a nice usage of repetition.

What did like was the variation of short and long sentences:
Insanity
One by one, the monkeys fall


This makes each line fresh for a reader and doesn't make things too boring.

I liked the subject matter and I haven't actually seen it done in poems very often. I've seen it done in other forms of writing. So it was interesting to see a poem take it on.

All in all I liked and disliked this poem. Some of the techniques were overused but the subject matter was interesting. Nice job and happy writing!




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98 Reviews


Points: 273
Reviews: 98

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Sun Nov 17, 2013 10:22 pm
Rainn wrote a review...



I really like this. The repetition is nice, I assume this was meant for emphasizing purposes. There are no grammatical or spelling errors. Everything flows very nicely, nothing seems out of place.

I have always been one for punctuation, and I would have prefered to see more in this. Although, it was still a very enjoyable read. I love your colorful wording and wonderful imagery. Very nicely done!

~Rainn




Zolen says...


Also, I am going to review everyone who reviewed me, so anything you specifically would like a massively detailed review of? (yes this question is copy/paste, I happen to be rushing through to mention it to everyone who I hadn't.)



Rainn says...


That is very kind of you :}
Review whatever strikes your interest. Thanks!



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67 Reviews


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Reviews: 67

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Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:19 pm
AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Hey Zolen, here to review.

This is a good poem that I think fits the mood you were trying to give very well, but I still find that it is very confusing. I like how you repeat "Falling" and "Insanity", and you make it seem "insane" with repetition.

night by night, by night, by night
we do stand and
Knife by night, by night, by night
we do stand
Blade by blade, blade by blade, blade by blade


Here I guess you wanted to emphasize the tyranny of the queen and how she uses her power repeatedly, but I feel that you repeat "night" a little too much.

Also, I don't know if it was done on purpose or not but I think it would be much better with capitalization and punctuation. If you had put no capitalization or no punctuation at all, it might have seemed better, but I find that since you gave the poem some of both, you kind of left it halfway. I find that the first four verses of each stanza are almost exactly the same, and nothing changes, which seems a little strange.

Other from that there were no spelling or grammatical mistakes and the poem was good.

Those are only my points of view so take them as seriously as you want. Hope this helped, and as always, keep writing.

-Alfonso




Zolen says...


Hm....the mixed punctuation was intentional, but good point, the intent was to push the state of mind, but I may have just annoyed.

Also, I am going to review everyone who reviewed me, so anything you specifically would like a massively detailed review of? (yes this question is copy/paste, I happen to be rushing through to mention it to everyone who I hadn't.)





Well, if you're going to anyway, could you review a poem? My short stories are old. Unless you prefer reviewing short stories, then do whatever you want. :)




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