Have you ever heard about the thing unseen
Most have heard of
The thing unseen can be seen
Yet only a few have seen it and lived
The thing unseen can be seen by the unnatural
The unnatural aren't living, not breathing
But still alive in some sense
The normal
Basically the living
Live in fear of it
The thing unseen stalks us
Wearing down our souls until we turn into an unnatural
Nobody knows when the thing unseen will strike
But when it does
We pay with our lives
The few that have lived are the lucky ones
For it usually only takes one blow
Hardly anyone can take a second blow though
The thing unseen sometimes misses and we continue to live
Even though we almost paid the priceless
What is the thing unseen
Well, some call it the grim reaper
I call it death
It lurks near every day
It takes many lives every day
So the question is
Are we only born to die
Or is there a purpose to this game of life and death
Nobody knows
Still we play the game
Of life and death
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Heya, Lost! Casanova here to do a review for you! Anyway, I'll just do a quick overall review and then be done with it.
I find that the overall message of this poem is actually quite interesting, but the overall execution is a bit bland. Here's some things that would help it out.
Imagery.
Now, imagery is a touchy subject with me. I always believed the emotion in something was better than the imagery,. but poetry tells me otherwise. Imagery helps strengthen your poem, and helps the reader get into the poem. It allows them to put themselves into the poem and think and visualize what's going on. Here you're giving us a shopping list of things that don't bode well, as it's really taking away from the poem. Anyway, onward.
Emotion
Aah, emotion. My favourite thing. Now, it's a hard thing to execute well. You have to time it, so to speak. Now, emotion is good for getting a point across. It's good for having the reader FEEL what you're trying to get across. And it's a good thing as well. But, if overly done, it's too powerful, so I would suggest finding a medium with your imagery. I think that this could really help you out.
Overall though I would have to agree with @Kaos when I say that this poem is a bit rambly. It's like taking a list of thoughts and putting them on paper, or in this case a pad, and just posting them away without any thought of what could make it better. Like you're ranting to a friend about something, and that's not always a good thing.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
The poem is very rambly in what it's trying to get across in that it's wrapped up in itself. I suggest adding images to help better connect the reader to the poem. Create the atmosphere of this poem. It's topic based, and the "show don't tell" rule works for this poem, create the atmosphere and let us experience it, don't just tell us about it, show us and tell the theme through that.
The Messenger Knight here to review for you. Last one for tonight on Review Day!!
So, big problem: Punctuation. It makes reading this hard for me and others. I don't know where to stop sentences sometimes, and it makes the poem look less professional. It shouldn't be too hard. All that is needed is couple commas here, and a period at the end of sentences. It would only probably take a few minutes.
I think that if you were planning on having all this mystery, then you should have left it a mystery. Maybe you could've given us some hints, but I think just saying it right out takes away from the poem's worth .Not that it is a bad poem, it's not.
So, take my suggestions like a grain of salt .You choose if you want to make the changes, but please don't take it to mean I am pounding your poem. It's quite well done.
Keep it up!
Greetings and welcome to the site!
My biggest nitpick - punctuation. Now, while some poems don't need nor require punctuation, I feel that this one does. You have it structured in such a way that there should be question marks to questions
(example:)
and commas after dependent sentences and such. This is just my opinion, for I feel that you'd have a clearer and steady flow if you considered adding in punctuation.
Besides that, overall - nice work! You did a nice job with the ending, especially. It actually wasn't quite clear to me that the thing unseen was death until I reached the end, so nice way of building suspense! It was really nice to read.
~Iggy
I agree with Zecru. I would have lifed it better had you left the mystery up to us to determine. Other than that, it was very suspenseful and flowed rather nice. At first I thought, "Is it slenderman? perhaps love? or God?" haha that's just the cynic in me. Overall I thought it was very nice and despite being a grim poem, the flow had almost a cheery, satrical feel to it. the imagery was very nice as well.
my favorite line was:
" The thing unseen stalks us
Wearing down our souls until we turn into an unnatural
Nobody knows when the thing unseen will strike"
all in all, a great poem, but once again, I would have rather you had left it with a slight mysterious feel. Keep up the writing!
I liked it. Although, the sense of mystery you gave me about the thing unseen was kind of removed when you straight-up said it was the grim reaper/death. Still good.
I love you poem! It almost gave me the chills reading it.
I liked how you continued to use ....the thing unseen.
Your poem flowed a few flaws not perfect.
Other than that great poem!