In the night
Til morning dawn
Comes the angels
With their tales of the world
Of it's beauty
Or what's left of it
Listen closely to their songs
They tell about the world's crimes
The world's tasks
Listen child to their songs
Let their voices
Soothe you to sleep
Tomorrow is another day
A better day with the right choices
*AN: I wrote this three years ago and I regret my life choices horrifically now because this was only a slightly better one out of a bunch of horrible ones.*
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Heya, Lost! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, I'll be breaking this up into sections and taking it piece by piece, so I hope that's okay. Anyway, to the review!
DO you feel that? The feeling of actually thinking and using imagery in a poem? How does that feel? Good, right? Now, that's what I want to see. You thinking and writing and using poetic devices, and not just rambling about feet or something of the like. The only thing I didn't like about this was the beauty line and the one after that. I think it would have a kick to it if it was PAST beauty- as saying the world is void and the angels remember it in a better state. Anyway, onward.
I really, really like the concept of these lines. You have so much potential here it isn't even funny(well, considering your past poems it kinda is). Okay, the child song. That's something I woould like you to expand on. An innocent sweet lullaby where you're soothed and awed. That's something that sticks out, and honestly I think it's one of the better ideas that you have in this poem. The next thing is I think you could take out the world's crimes, because you've already stated the Angel's song is about beauty. It takes away from that whenever you contradict yourself like that.
Anyway, I think you have a strong poem idea and made it somewhat decent, so props for that. That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
LOST!
You have a poem <3
I'd like to say that you can totally rewrite this and make it better. You've got a good idea for a story, but this is definitely more show than tell. If you worked on making the poem more of a descriptive thing with a lot of clear imagery, you could end up with something very pretty. I'd suggest actually working towards that end.
I won't bore you with talking about capitalization and punctuation, I'm pretty sure you know, but I will skim over it for you briefly just in case I'm wrong. Basically you can do what you want to do but capitalizing the first letter of each line sort of looks amateurish or old. The same goes with punctuation. If you have punctuation at the end of every one it breaks up the poem a lot and makes it hard to read through it, but having too little with weird capitalizations like you have here also makes it look odd unless there's a clear purpose for it. The capitalization sort of ends up acting like the end punctuation.
I think one of the quickest ways you could improve this poem, aside from rewriting, would be to take it out of the lines and add to it things that will make it more of a story, then put it back in lines. Also when you put it into a paragraph, remove the capitalization and add the appropriate punctuation. You can take it back out again if you want to after you've added in, but that might create a form to work with that's more comfortable for creating a narrative, and thus, create a better narrative.
Overall this poem could use a lot of help with the voice it's trying to assume. It's sort of like a camp fire story right now and I think that you could totally keep that while adding into it with new writing to help improve the quality of writing and structure. That give you a bit more passion for the poem and confidence in it as well. It's not a bad poem, it just needs some help.
If you spend some time editing it, I think you'll find that the subject you're working on needs to be expanded upon and that's where a lot of your content is going to come from. Decide what you want to say about angels exactly and write the narrative about that.
I hope this helps you <3
Aley
Hello there Lostthought!
MergSword here with a review!
So you said this poem was bad, it has its pros and it has its cons. However, I don't see how come you haven't edited it since you got the chance.
I personally don't like your introduction, nor am I a fan of the ending. The iintroductions are all about magnetic openings too keep the audience wanting more. In this case, you did a poor job and it sounds pretty weak. Basically the same thing with the ending, just take away the part on the magnetic opening, I don't think there are magnetic endings lol.
Also, you aren't very descriptive, you barely add description and leaves the lines pretty bland. Also, you were so bad with the descriptive detail that you completely left out the setting! What's a story without a setting?
Although I do like the theme, I like poems about Angels, and frankly, there aren't too many on YWS, I think.
Overall, I think this poem could have been turned into something better if it was improved and tweaked at a bit.
Hallo
Okay... So you already know this is pretty bad... >.>
First, the grammar was pretty not good. I mean, I know there's no punctuation in this at all, but I think that would be helpful for flow-reasons.
Also things like"Til morning dawn" should be " 'til morning dawns"
Also "listen child to their songs" just irks me. It needs a comma so bad.
This was exceptionally vague. I know it was a poem of consoling, but that doesn't mean you can't have concrete images. I don't really get the angels
Also this is pretty preachy. Like, srsly those angels are such complainers about "Earth's crimes" and whatever.
The last line is really weak, in my opinion. Right choices? what does that mean? we haven't even been talking about our own specific choices. And if they're talking about the choices of humanity as a whole, well, that's hopeful, but let me tell you: the likelihood that Earth will reform overnight is pretty much 0.
Um. And this is what I have. Good job for improving since then, ey?
I hope this helps you somehow, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
~fortis
Hi! This actually reminded me of a lot of a song while I was reading it. I kept looking at the top to see if you had mentions anything about lyrics. Anyway I just have a few comments.
I would change that 4th,5th and 6th line to
"They bring tales of the world
It's beauty
What's left of it"
I think it gives the poem some flow.
I'd remove child from that one line about the songs. I think it kind of disrupted the poem, if that makes sense.
And last, that very last line I felt was out of place. I feel there's a better at to culminate the entire poem. Maybe.."Tomorrow is another day
Of angels and angel songs" ...or something similar...
Anyway nice poem