Floating without a body
Until a scenario is made
And into it you are thrown
Without a clue what will happen
Or a chance to understand
You have to follow the line
No matter what it revels
Death, love, or a new life
It takes place inside your mind
Every night as you take one final thought
Before you are transported to this mysterious land
Every night is something new
A world unexplored
Adventures await you
So close your eyes and wait
For sleep to take holdPoints:
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Heya, Lost! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, there's something different about this poem that isn't in the other ones. It contains images, and I like that. You're actually describing what it's like to be asleep, and I completely loved that. Annyway, I do have a few things I want to say about this one.
Your images, although there, are a bit strewn. You don't connect them very well. And you connect them with narration and your,"I," statements. The shopping list statements I've mentioned a few times. Get rid of those. They hold no emotional value and really don't work well with your poem. Anyway, onward with the review.
Now, you've opened a pretty large door with this piece of imagery. In dreams it can be anything, so let your poem be anything. Don't stick to the basic images when you can have a whole list of things to choose from. You have everything and anything at your disposal, so don't waste that.
Anyway, overall I think you have a decent poem concept and with a little editing I think this could make a decent poem. That's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I like to begin that this poem is well-written and could be related to people since when you close your eyes, you are literally transported a land far away- or rather a new one every night. Also how the tone in this poem is hopefully or cheerfully; sorta like a wise message between the lines (if that makes sense).
i think you should add a comma. and into it, you are thrown to make it seem like a complete thought (or something similar like that).Nitpick(s):
Overall, i would think people could relate since when we dream we think about the dreams we will have; some of the dreams would come true, while half of the dreams that we wish to come true, they don't. Nightmares for example, are dreams we dread to come true (unless they have something to do with something we hate/someone we hate then we thankfully, wish that that nightmare would come true. Also the thought of how when someone sleeps, the images in their head are something they have seen or something.
Sorry for the ramble... just my way of saying how this poem is amazing and also YOU ARE MY FINAL REVIEW UNTIL MY FOURTH STAR!!!~ *throws confetti*
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Hello, rhia here to review!
Proofread and suggestions first...
1)
I'm pretty sure "revels" is meant to be "reveals"
2)
I don't think that "take" is the best verb to describe this action. More like have a final thought, or something like that.
I like how you don't think you need to be constricted to ending each line with punctuation (my biggest pet peeve when it comes to people writing poetry XD), but you could improve this poems rhythm with some commas. Also, you still form an entire thought in each line, so it kind of ends up just as choppy as if each line was a sentence. tryplaying with enjambment a little bit, it will make it seem so much more advanced.
It's joallover here for review time!
So, you did a great job of capturing the essence of dreams. It is very mysterious and odd. Who knows what will come next? But I think you could expand on it. It is well written and very good and lyrical. In most cases, it's good to leave the reader wanting more. In this case, as I found, it wasn't in the good sense.
I found it ended too quickly, leaving me wonder what I had just read and what the purpose of it was. I do believe you had a good ending, so maybe explain something more specific in the middle. Maybe some examples or something?
You did do a good job with it, keep writing!
-joallover
Really really interesting. I like your ingenuity and perfect grasp of the dreamworld. Well done!