Will you just shoot me?
I scraped my knees while looking
at those stupid clouds.
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139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Heya, Lost! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, I don't really have much to say about this, so I guess I'll be taking this line by line.
Kinda blunt and a little to the point. It gives no place for us to imagine what you're feeling or what's going on, and it seems like a blunt rhetorical question. I mean, I don't know anyone who actually wants to get shot, and I'm sure if you wanted to be you'd do something to be instead of getting asked to do it. Anyway, onward.
How did you scrape your legs? These two lines don't really have anything to do with each other, and although you were going for a specific style I woould like to see this answered. Why, how, when, where? All these questions are good questions, the how especially. Anyway, onward.
Again, this doesn't really seem to have anything to do with the rest of the poem, and I feel like it's only included so you can get your style to be there. I don't care much about style, but to each his own.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about this one and I hope it helped. Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
I liked this.
It was clever, this senyru. I understand that this is a part of a "YWS MEME" so I guess all I can do is laugh. Don't know why you want to be shot, since death is bad. Please don't die. One thing that I didn't like about this is that there's not much you can get from this. In a sense, this was really pointless. It made me laugh, but honestly it shouldn't be a poem. There's nothing to it except for what's on the surface. If you expanded it, that would help a lot.
thanks.
Hey Lost,Yo-LO-sthought.
Just think about how those clouds feel. Now go apologize before they start to rain of sadness! And I don't think some people want a rainy day.
MergSword here with a review!
So, this is nice. A poem about absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. A nothing poem about nothingness of nothing. So how do you review this?, you might ask. Well-er-um- I' LL FIGURE IT OUT.
As for the first line, I feel the same way as @fortis does. Some people might find that line offensive. Talk about being suicidal. You should really have changed that there.
Scraping your knees: To me, it sounds like an idiom, but, who knows what the meaning of that is. It sounds like one of those idioms that does mean some thing, but when you find out the meaning, you don't see how the two relate.
Stupid clouds eh. Wait.....how are clouds stupid though? Lost, I happen to be friends with a cloud, and as we speak there are clouds above the ceiling! That's so offensive
As I read this, I don't know why but it felt like if it had a touch of humor too it.
Hope this helps!
I could go on all night about how I thought this to be about
1. somebody who spent too much time day dreaming and couldn't handle the reality check;
2. somebody who loved and got hurt;
3. somebody who is in so much pain after having scrapped their knees, that they feel like dying,
but in reality, I have no clue what's going on here. Which isn't so bad; why should everything be spelled out for us?
Hey lost~
So here's a nice little senryu. This will be a short review for a short poem.
I feel like the first line doesn't really... bring much to the table. Also it could be a little offensive to people. I think you could think of something much more clever to go there.
I like the feeling of anger I'm getting from the "stupid clouds." It's kind of self-directed anger, but it's disguised as being directed toward the clouds. I found that pretty effective.
You've got the syllables right as far as I can tell.
If you wanted to expand this into a larger poem, I do think that you would be able to. You've got a nice literal representation of the "head in the clouds" idiom.
Really, I just think that the first line could be used for something better. I currently don't have any suggestions, but I think if you think about it a bit, it could definitely be better. ^^
I hope this helped! Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~fortis