We sat there waiting as the men’s footsteps grew closer. They were much bigger than I was, and my little pistol was no match for their big guns. My heart was beating faster and faster every painful second we waited as we came closer to death… I’m terrified to die… That’s the last thing I want… Leaves were crunching… they were just a few feet away….
There was the sound of a snapping branch and a thump on the ground. I looked over and saw they were both on the ground and their guns were 3 feet away from them. Take this chance Ren! I grabbed my pistol, and stepped out from behind the tree. Both of them looked up at me, neither of them moved. They didn’t even seem to be breathing. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I just stood there, gun ready to shoot at the slightest move. The guns, Ren. Get them. “Marcy.” I called. She walked out from behind the trees. “Carefully, grab the handles of the guns, and pull them back.” She nodded and ran towards the guns, and hauled them back. The blonde guy reached for her, and I cocked the gun. “Don’t. You. DARE.” I said sternly. He looked up at me, and then put his face on the ground.
“We don’t want any trouble.” Said the guy with the beard. “We were just passing through.” He had his face down in the dirt as if he didn’t want to make eye contact.
“I’ve never seen you around here before. Who are you?”
“People trying to survive, just like you.”
“Don’t be a smartass.”
“Aiden.” Said the blonde. “My name’s Aiden…” He looked up at me. I bent down and pulled the glasses off of his face. He had pale green eyes that seemed to be staring into the dark places of my mind I never let anyone see. I stood up and walked away from him.
“All done!” Marcy exclaimed. She looked at the men, then said, “Daddy and I have been everywhere in town. I’ve never seen you two…” The two men looked at each other. “Are you nomads?” I looked at Marcy. I was taken by surprise when she said that. How did she know what nomads were? Especially at such a young age.
“Something like that.” The man with the beard replied. “I’m looking for someone very important to me. And Aiden tagged along.”
“That’s what we’re doing too!” Marcy replied. “We’re looking for Ren’s family.” The man with the beard looked up at her with wide eyes. “D-Did I say something wrong?”
“No, no! Not at all.” He sat up on his knees.
“Stay down!” I yelled.
“Whose family did you say you were looking for?” I cocked the gun, and aimed for the center of his forehead. His eyes didn’t come away from Marcy. Something was familiar about the kindness in the man’s blue eyes. You know him Ren… But… from where?
“Ren’s.” Marcy replied, and she pointed to me. The man turned and looked at me. I wasn’t letting my guard down for a second. I kept the gun on him, and stared expressionless at his face. Aiden got up on his knees too, and I pulled Marcy behind me.
“Ren…” The bearded man said.
My eyes shot wildly from him to Aiden, waiting for one of them to make a move. “What?” I said harshly. Blood was pumping so fast, I could hear it rushing in my ears. Adrenaline was starting to kick in. I was ready to go at the second of trouble.
“You don’t happen to be looking for a brother, do you?”
“What’s it to you?” I asked.
“Named Kellin?”
I slightly lowered the gun. “How do you know that name?” Fear was starting to set in. Did he kill Kellin? Is he here to kill you too?
“I knew you since you were very young. Since you were born in fact.” Said the man, and he stood up.
“GET DOWN!” I screamed.
He put his hands up, so his palms were facing me, as if telling me to stop. “Don’t believe me? When you were 3, you went to the Zoo with Kellin, and you wanted to stay and watch the pandas the whole time, so he stayed with you.”
“So what?!” I yelled.
“When you were 6, Kellin taught you how to play guitar.”
“What’s your point?!”
“When you were 9, you drew Kellin a picture that hung in his room every day since. On your 10th birthday, he brought you your first art kit. When you were 12, he moved out, and you’d call him every day because you felt so alone in the world… And he was the only one you could ever talk to.”
Tears swelled up in my eyes, and started falling down my cheeks. “…How do you know all of this…? Who the hell are you…?” Marcy gripped onto my shirt, but I didn’t stop crying. This guy cut down deep into a place I kept secret, and it hurt more than anything.
“Ren…” He looked at the ground. Suddenly he turned and pulled a bag off of his shoulders. I pointed the gun straight at his head again. He opened the bag, and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. I grabbed it with one hand, and kept the pistol on him with the other. On the paper was a drawing of a little girl drawing under a tree, and a boy dressed as a superhero. This is the drawing you gave Kellin!
“H-How did you…”
“It’s me… Kellin.” My eyes grew wide as my heart hit the floor and my stomach did flips. Kellin’s alive… and he’s right in front of me… All I could do was cry… My feet felt like they were glued to the floor. Besides… what else could I possibly do right now…? Hug him, stupid!
End of chapter
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Hey there! The name is Sarah and I'm here to review your work!
Well, I must say, great suspense with all the characters and the plot! I always like stories like these and you did a great job! It was also rather amusing in a way, especially the last part where the main said HUG HIM, STUPID! XD Loving that line right now!
Although, I did notice soem grammar things. However, some seem minor so you can spot them easily. The one thing that bugs me the most is the speech. It was good, but there was a problem with it. You see, when the person was talking here....
“Something like that.” The man with the beard replied. “I’m looking for someone very important to me. And Aiden tagged along.”
I feel that it's missing commas. Where 'that' is, for example, I think there should be a comma after it. To me, it'll look more neat.
Well, that's all I have to say! I hoped I helped a little.
Bye!
Thank you
You're welcome!
Here to review as a Knight of the Green Room.
Things are coming together pretty good. Can't wait for chapter 6.
Great suspense, I noticed you have some of your dialogue that should be in separate lines, but other than that I saw no other punctuation or grammar problems.
Now, that ending was quite a shock. Somebody else might guess it quicker than me, but it was a total shock. I was like "Whoa, that is Kellin!"
I think it was a great twist. Hug him stupid! Loved that line
Keep it up!
thank you so much!