Clan

I like the lines
'Hindered by hungry heat, take heed;

Who's your ally? Who's your rival?

Who stands in the way of your survival?'

And

'In frenzied dance of hit-and-run

Seize the prize and flee; you're done'

I felt this line to be a bit awkward
"Rush at scarlet, gush at flesh'

Your theme and all is great!. Keep Writing More.

Just realized I duplicated a line by mistake! The part 'Rush at scarlet, gush at flesh/Consume so none may take your best' should have been ''Rush at scarlet, gush at flesh/Make each sinew take the test'.

I have to say that I'm really very charmed by this poem. It isn't often that you find this kind of unique flow, while still incorporating rhyme.

I feel your pain trying to find rhymes that are simultaneously meaningful and catchy while still contributing but not being childish. I've spent many hours tinkering with syllable counts and the like with my own poetry. I know you did the same here. When you get it right you can just tell that it's right.

Another thing that you did well, and that I rather enjoyed, was the ending. Which was a nice way to tie together the herd mentality and the animalistic nature of the poem's protagonist. The pack mentality was certainly present throughout the poem, but it was kind of wrapped up by those last two brilliant lines.

A beast on the horizon cries

And something in your heart replies.

You also used some nice imagery. It wasn't like:

There are animals in front,
animals behind,
animals all around,
shiny sun,
bad poem.....

It was pretty:

In frenzied dance of hit-and-run

Seize the prize and flee; you're done


You know what you're doing! I would be most grateful if you kept doing it. Thanks for sharing.

Absolutely amazing! I was really drawn in and loved the way you were able to put yourself in an animals perspective. Love it!!<3

Wow! I am so impressed! You writing in this poem was so simple and yet so elegant at the same time! This was really cool and fun to read.

It seems like you rhymed and wrote so effortlessly and I feel like you wrote it in such a way that people can interpret it in a way that they can most relate to, which is a challenging thing to do.

For example, while to you it is more about animals and predators, to me it was like a poem about the Hunger Games, where peoples survival instincts kick in and you can't really trust anyone but yourself.

Well done.

This was a very good poem!! I loved all the descriptions that you used. It went smoothly and you have extremely good word choice. I like how you described the heyenas "Each a taker, each a giver
Don't stop at stones when you're the river

Rush at scarlet, gush at flesh

Consume so none may take your best

In frenzied dance of hit-and-run"
I think this had very good description. Good job!! I really liked it.

Hey Hyena, black here for a quick comment/ review (more of a comment I think).


So first off; WOW! I'm quite simply impressed: Your use of wording, emotions and tension are extremely exquisite, and your rhyming is amazing! I like the rhyming and emotional wording especially. Complicated but smooth and flowing.

The idea of how the wild works is quite accurate, though in my opinion, not so majestic and amazing . Great work. However; I might note that you're very general about it (the wild). This poem seems to be about 'THE WILD' . . . not specifically about any kind of organized pack . . .

Seeing as I believe that was not your intention, I advise you to look into fixing it (but it's good as is, so don't feel obliged).

Okay, the only real problems I could find with it are in your punctuation and one little wording spot. Let me get them out of the way for you!

The little problem:

Rush at scarlet, gush at flesh

This was awesome! you are so descriptive, every line goes perfectly with the next one (something that honestly isn't easy to do at all) the rhymes are all just right.
So, this may be my favorite style of poetry, the pair-line rhymes. You did a splendid job with it! The story is very interesting. you describe well how the hyenas and such think, how they survive, what drives them, why they act how they act. Overall this may have been my favorite poem I've read so far on YWS.
Keep it up!

Please put the bottom part in parentheses. It takes away from my poem
Sorry, I just wanted to get that out before I started, because it's a nice piece, but then you take us out of the story you've set up by throwing in how you were inspired. If anything, put it at the top, it'll set up the audience and give background that could help you in terms of the overall opinion of the poem.

Now to the actual context of the poem
I'm actually quite intrigued by this. I'm a fan of free verse, so to see that you used it is nice to see, I'm not a fan of the rhyme restraint that we were all taught when we were young.

The idea is a nice spin on the idea of wild, looking on instinct from the perspective of an actual animal, what I'm guessing may be a hyena (the laughing part gave me the idea)
It does have an actual meaning behind it's words, that there is this feeling of instinct and that we must act on it to survive in the world, especially wild animals, and this does show that idea very well

Good job
~Maddie

Seriously, I love this. It was amazing and honestly so true. It captures the mind frame and situation of a pack animal perfectly. I'd love to give you some suggestions where you can improve, but I have none. I'm not really a poem person, but as far as I can tell this is just perfect! Let me tell you the lines that I like best...

"Who's your ally? Who's your rival? Who stands in the way of your survival? Which one do you dare to trust, when all you know is blood and dust?"

Just perfect. The rhyming seemed so natural and just flowed perfectly.

"The path of life is rough and gritty. Know no conscience. Feel no pity."

I got goosebumps reading that

"And every body, every mind throbs and pulses close behind. Hear them, feel them, in your brain. All as one body, each the same. A beast on the horizon cries, and something in your heart replies."

My personal favorite. Absolutely beautiful. I hope you become a famous poet, because the world needs more works of literature like these

Hey, HT here to review!

I thought that this was very good, and that you used your rhyme scheme and rhythm very well. Overall, your grammar is very good, as well as your spelling, but your punctuation is a little lacking. I would recommend adding some periods and commas here and there.

Who's your ally? Who's your rival?

Who stands in the way of your survival?

Which one do you dare to trust

Don't stop at stones when you're the river

Rush at scarlet, gush at flesh

I first posted this on another writing website several months ago, after being inspired by video clips of pack animals such as hyenas, wolves and African Wild Dogs hunting. I tried to make it kind of vague and jumbled like the way a pack, or 'clan' hunter might feel when chasing prey