Death Through Boredom

Aley! Hey!

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening! c:

Ooh, a Pantoum. 8D I like Pantoums quite a bit (thanks for introducing them to me. ;D)

Anyway~

I like this poem quite a bit. It's dark (obviously), but I think you really utilized the form of Pantoums. Your flow was great, and your rhyming quite nice. You even managed to make the lines sound natural with each other (so I'm quite impressed!). I like punctuation in poetry-- like, a lot. And your poem has quite a bit of that, so I'm happy, haha.

All in all this was a great poem. 9/10

Keep writing! < 3

~Shady

hey there. I really liked this poem and I think you pulled it off well. I am sad that you didn't take the chance to use the word shame as "it was a shame" that they killed themselves. I also think that the use of "lame' takes away from the poem more than it adds to it. I think that you could do an alternate version and find a much more meaningful word which will help to get your point across more efficiently.

yet, I'm digressing.

Okay. I love the ending. That is the way a pantoum ending should work, and it's just ridiculously fantastic as I sit here and stare at how it worked out.

I really appreciate the casual tone that this poem takes to this. I think that intention brings an air of reality to the plot you're trying to present. You want this image of someone who is just so bored that it makes them out of touch with reality to a point where suicide seems like no big deal. It's not really depressing when you read the poem, but it leaves you with an uneasy feeling.

One thing I really didn't like about this poem was the choice of the word "lame". Rhyme already tries to bring the poem down to a child's level, which it avoids by being about a serious topic, but lame is making it sag dangerously close to ridiculous. It's an empty word. It's a dated word. It's a vague word, and words you choose for your poems, ESPECIALLY ones you repeat and FEATURE at the end of a rhyming line, should be neither empty, dated, nor vague.

I also don't really understand the line that says "as I tried to stay inside".

Like I said, fantastic ending. If you were working on finding a beautiful ending that shifts the meaning just as the lines of the pantoum shift, I'd say you've been successful. But the poem is not completely successful and I hope you have fun with edits if you choose to pursue them!
PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions/comments.
Good luck and keep writing!

Hi there!

Great job with the pantoum! And kudos for taking it on!

Firstly, grammar and spelling shred:
"laying" should be "lying". You lay a table, but you lie on the bed, or lie down.

Your use of "yet" would be better accomplished by a plain old "but". "I felt so lame—but I'm digressing."

Now I've got a few suggestions for word changes and so forth.
I think you can replace "inside" with "alive". It better fits the theme—you tried not to kill yourself, but saw no way out. It also creates a more suitable climax for the last stanza, where it trails off, as well as fitting more with the second stanza's wording. (Why blessings inside?)

I'd also like the "I'm" to become "I am". It's got so much more seriousness and weight behind it if you write it out!

I don't know if you couldn't replace "shame" with a different word, even if it would mean replacing the entire line—I'm not a huge fan of the shame, because when people kill themselves, I don't think they really feel that much shame about what they did/are doing, but rather feel relief about the escape. Maybe something about not knowing who's to blame? Same, game, flame, tame, name, aim, etc. There are plenty of rhymes to choose from!

Overall, you're very brave for taking on this form, and did so admirably! Well done!

barefootrunner

Hey,

Never read a pantoum before. I like the style, it's neat.

As for the poem itself; hardcore, aching stuff....but in a good way of course.

Keep up the pantoum-ing

This is a pantoum isn't it? *reads the top line again* oh yeah, you told us that. Psh. I knew what it was anyways. I love pantoums! Anyways, I was drawn to this because I *just* published something about boredom and I thought it was funny that you *just* posted this.

So while I'm here, I may as well review this...
I usually like pantoums that are just a smidgen longer. I like your rhyming, but the "inside" just seems like it's awkward at the beginning of the line. Although it doesn't hurt your rhythm too much. I like the story behind this, but still wish it was a tiny bit longer.

Also, it seems like the pantoum format wasn't successful in some places. Especially in the fourth stanza. It reads, "As I tried to stay yet, I'm digressing." It needs a little bit of love, but all together, I like it. Keep writing! you're doing very well.
~Fortis