Salutations
I realise it has been some time since you last received a review from me, but I have finally returned!
My Legend:
Red - correction
Orange - suggestion
Green - addition
Blue - removal
The storm showed no sign of relenting. Its cold winds seeped through the open window into the hallway and crept up our necks. Its tears poured into Rustboro city like a the city was its cup, almost filled to the brim with rain. I watched as Jason played in the rain, his first time feeling the cold, wet substance.
This strikes me as a rather mediocre paragraph. For starters, the "letting up" part is too informal, so I recommended changing it, as "relenting" is more sophisticated. The choice of words in certain areas was awkward, while in others it was simply erroneous, so it does not create a good first impression of the chapter.
I assumed he wondered why my feet looked different from his or Violet's when she took her sneakers off.
You should have used an interrogative pronoun, not a relative pronoun, and the second-to-last preposition was incorrect. Also, why do you mention this supposed difference, but you do not elaborate? If you offer no explanation, then the statement has no meaning and is therefore of no use to the readers. Unless you meant the difference is because Jason is stll a Reshiram and Violet is female, whereas Ryan is male, in which case mentioning it in the first place is just odd.
I created another warm towel with electricity and dried off his damp, white fur.
Typo alert.
I picked him up and carried him into the room where Sato, Violet and I slept in since my tent was swept away by the storm.
Disaster has struck this sentence! How does "held" substitute "and"? The only reason I can comprehend is that you had written one thing, but then deleted it and this a remant of that deleted text.
He even coaxes Sato to play with him sometimes.
Normally, I would go on about the present tense in a story, but it seems to be fine here... Still, be wary.
"It has been a day since it started, if it doesn't stop soon, it will go on for a week. That's what I think anyway.
Well, that's reassuring! Guess what, Violet - if the disasters don't end after a few weeks, the apocalypse is probably upon us. What a cheerful prospect! -_-
Sato yawn soflty as she slowly oped her eyes, after her long nap.
It's always better to state something as simply as possible.
I feel a connection with you, Ryan. I- I love you..."
"Love you too, Sato."
I lie down next to her and closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep.
Whenver somebody says "love" in a romance novel/movie, the other person almost blows an artery, yet Ryan shrugs it off like it's a dandelion caught on his sleeve?!
Outside, Elec was having a boy in his group, heal is wound. His name was Alexander, he had no last last because he didn't know where he came from.
I thought Elec was dead. You really need to establish these sorts of things more clearly...
"You only fight for revenge. Not for a better reason, this makes you a fool. I only follow you around because the I want to see when Violet will slap you next, or who will make you fall forever. I care not about your life, but I heal your wounds just so you can get pummeled again."
I think I like this new character...
It seems that clarity is your greatest problem at this point. There are still numerous typos and errors, but nothing above average. Just focus on clearly conveying your intended message, and your work will automatically improve.
This review courtesy of
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