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Pokemon Ultimate Evolution: Episode 9, A Little Emotion

by dark


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The storm showed no sign of letting up. Its cold winds seeped through the open window in the hall way and crept up our necks. Its tears pouring into Rustboro city like a the city was its cup, almost filled to the brim with rain. I watched as Jason played in the rain, his first time feeling the cold, wet substance.
"Jason, come inside now." I told him. He stopped hopping and dancing in the rain and shot a wide eyed look at me. Something told me that he associated the word "come" with something bad. I never knew why. He always gave me that look when I told him to come. He hopped towards me and looked at my black sneakers, then he looked up at me. I assumed he wondered that my feet looked different than his or Violet's when she took her sneakers off. I created another warm towel with electricity and dried off his damp, whie fur. He stared at my feet again for some reason. I guessed he wanted to see them. I took my sneakers off. It felt good because I have not been bare foot since my body assumed this form. Jason nipped my feet with his fingers and hopped around on them, testing them with his feet. He looked at me and held his arms up towards me.
I picked him up held carried him into the room where Sato, Violet and I slept in since my tent was swept away by the storm. Violet and Sato slept most of the time since there was nothing else to do but talk to each other. The only one that found things to do for entertainment was Jason. He was always playing around in the drawers or in mine or Violet's hair. He even coaxes Sato to play with him sometimes.
"Ugh." Violet groaned. "When's this storm gonna settle down? It's starting to get me in a gloomy mood."
"Soon, Vi." I told her. "It has been a day since it started, if it doesn't stop soon, it will go on for a week. That's what I think anyway.
"Whatever. I'm gonna go take a bath or something. That'll be more fun than sitting here and doningnothing all day."
Sato let out a soft yawn as she slowly oped her eyes, after her long nap.
"You okay, Sato?" If you're hungry I could get you something."
"That's so sweet of you, thanks. Don't worry about me." She said in her sweetest, most soothing voice. "I don't eat that much."
"In that case, would you tell me more about yourself?" I asked.
"I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Oh, unfortunately, I do not have anything to talk about. Nothing has happened in my life before I got to this city."

I sat down next to her on the bed. She gave me a smile.
"Well, that's okay,"

"So what did you want did you want to say?" I asked.

I'm not what you would call a very happy person."

"How so?"
"Well, my parents are the problem. They have neglected me for so long now. I have had to fend for myself for all this time. A few weeks ago, they threw me out for days on end without any help at all. Yes it has made me into a more responsible person but I feel like they don't even love me. I think they really hate my existence."
"Really?" I said. "Then why do you alway seem in a good mood?"
"Huh? Oh. Well..." She started sheepishly. "I- it's really because I'm around you. When I'm around you, I get this sinister and odd vibe that... It makes me feel like I'm melting in happiness. Everyone else thinks I feel this way because you saved me from those boys, but it's not just that. I feel a connection with you, Ryan. I- I love you..."
"Love you too, Sato."
I lie down next to her and closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep. Jason bounded up from the floor and nestled himself in between us.Even as I slept, I could still hear the faint pitter patter of the sky's tears on the roof. I still felt Sato clinging to me in fear whenever the sky bellowed out her load cry. I opened my eyes. I couldn't bare to sleep anymore.
Violet came out of the other room with nothing but a white towel over her, her hair dripping wet.
"Honestly, that felt so damn refreshing!" She exclaimed.
I turned to Sato who also, couldn't sleep anymore either. "This storm is tiring, but it doesn't provide a quiet place to sleep either." I said.

"I hear you, Ryan." Violet answered while putting her clothes on again. "Can't you control it or something? I don't know, shoot lightning into the clouds and blow them up."

"Thay won't work, I know it."

"Dammit, that's just great. Waiting in here longer will make me take baths until the storm stops, and you two will end up joining me. EspeciallyyouRyan."

"Not in nine years, Violet. Remeber that."

"Ah come on, Ry-Ry." She pouted

Violet was still moody since I wouldn't act towards her in sexual ways. I enjoyed seeing her pout like there wouldn't a tomorrow for a long time.

Outside, Elec was having a boy in his group, heal is wound. His name was Alexander, he had no last last because he didn't know where he came from.

"Elec, have you gone mad?" He said angrily with his odd accent. "You obviously can't beat him, and yet you still try."

"Shut up," Elec yelled, the pain in his chest making him scream. "I'm no coward like you."

"You only fight for revenge. Not for a better reason, this makes you a fool. I only follow you around because the I want to see when Violet will slap you next, or who will make you fall forever. I care not about your life, but I heal your wounds just so you can get pummeled again."

"Grrr, after I'm done with Sparker, we'll see who's the one getting pummeled."

"Oh yes, I'm sure, Elec, but be warned, you haven't see what I could do... Yet. No matter though, none of my skills are going to be wasted on you anyway."


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Fri Jan 16, 2015 8:53 pm
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations

I realise it has been some time since you last received a review from me, but I have finally returned!

My Legend:
Red - correction
Orange - suggestion
Green - addition
Blue - removal


The storm showed no sign of relenting. Its cold winds seeped through the open window into the hallway and crept up our necks. Its tears poured into Rustboro city like a the city was its cup, almost filled to the brim with rain. I watched as Jason played in the rain, his first time feeling the cold, wet substance.

This strikes me as a rather mediocre paragraph. For starters, the "letting up" part is too informal, so I recommended changing it, as "relenting" is more sophisticated. The choice of words in certain areas was awkward, while in others it was simply erroneous, so it does not create a good first impression of the chapter.


I assumed he wondered why my feet looked different from his or Violet's when she took her sneakers off.

You should have used an interrogative pronoun, not a relative pronoun, and the second-to-last preposition was incorrect. Also, why do you mention this supposed difference, but you do not elaborate? If you offer no explanation, then the statement has no meaning and is therefore of no use to the readers. Unless you meant the difference is because Jason is stll a Reshiram and Violet is female, whereas Ryan is male, in which case mentioning it in the first place is just odd.


I created another warm towel with electricity and dried off his damp, white fur.

Typo alert.


I picked him up and carried him into the room where Sato, Violet and I slept in since my tent was swept away by the storm.

Disaster has struck this sentence! How does "held" substitute "and"? The only reason I can comprehend is that you had written one thing, but then deleted it and this a remant of that deleted text.


He even coaxes Sato to play with him sometimes.

Normally, I would go on about the present tense in a story, but it seems to be fine here... Still, be wary.


"It has been a day since it started, if it doesn't stop soon, it will go on for a week. That's what I think anyway.

Well, that's reassuring! Guess what, Violet - if the disasters don't end after a few weeks, the apocalypse is probably upon us. What a cheerful prospect! -_-


Sato yawn soflty as she slowly oped her eyes, after her long nap.

It's always better to state something as simply as possible.


I feel a connection with you, Ryan. I- I love you..."

"Love you too, Sato."

I lie down next to her and closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep.

Whenver somebody says "love" in a romance novel/movie, the other person almost blows an artery, yet Ryan shrugs it off like it's a dandelion caught on his sleeve?!


Outside, Elec was having a boy in his group, heal is wound. His name was Alexander, he had no last last because he didn't know where he came from.

I thought Elec was dead. You really need to establish these sorts of things more clearly...


"You only fight for revenge. Not for a better reason, this makes you a fool. I only follow you around because the I want to see when Violet will slap you next, or who will make you fall forever. I care not about your life, but I heal your wounds just so you can get pummeled again."

I think I like this new character...


It seems that clarity is your greatest problem at this point. There are still numerous typos and errors, but nothing above average. Just focus on clearly conveying your intended message, and your work will automatically improve.


This review courtesy of
Image




dark says...


Appreciate it as always! :twisted:



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Sun Jun 30, 2013 5:34 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Ooh, an interesting new character is the highlight of this new chapter for me. I like that Alexander seems to have a mysterious purpose for being in Ryan's story, and I feel like eventually they'll end up being friends or at least working together.

What I really don't like about this chapter is how transparent all the characters are in dialogue. To be honest, it feels like an author's exercise. Like you wanted to put into words how you defined these characters' motives, and instead of trying to SHOW these motives or pasts through their actions, you just have them spill all the details in unbelievable ways. I mean think about it.

Would you sit around with your friends and tell them, "My parents once told me I wasn't pretty, so that led me to fixate on the fact and now I like to hide from new encounters with people to avoid their rejection"? It sounds like talk a psychologist might get after studying all the connections in your stories, but usually people aren't so self-aware, and to just disclose EVERYTHING about their personalities to their friends like that is unbelievable.

If you want to disclose these elements of their personality, give them stories to share with one another. Instead of explaining that her parents abandoned her, have Sato tell a story about one time when they did.

Also, it's silly when Ryan acts like he's going to explain and then doesn't say a single thing. He should have refused to talk about himself right away.

Lastly, I still don't believe that all Violet would care about would be having sex with Ryan. She has her own life, goals, and hobbies, and having this one act consume her makes he feel like a really shallow character, when she has so much potential to be great.

Hope this was helpful, and I'm off to the next part!




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Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:53 am
Jonathan wrote a review...



Dark! Jordin here to revive this amazing review for you I already love it. :D

Your faithful fan. I hope it is of some use to you. :)

Dark wrote:I not what you could call a very happy person.
That sounds like creole I'm not what you could call a very happy person. or I am not exactly what you would call a very happy person.

Dark wrote:whie fur
White!~whie? see I think you meant white fur.

Good job about this your grammar was good and all but I thought Elec was dead not wounded but I suppose you can do what you wish. :)

Good spelling grammar and such I like this piece better than your last one.

Keep writing and good luck.

~Jon~ :pirate3:




dark says...


Wow, you even see mistakes in my comments, nice work!
Also about Elec, I should have explaind how he got away alive, a little editing that all. Don't worry, there will come a day when an episode has no mistakes. I'll try and make at least on mistake, because I like seeing what I didn't see before. :)



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Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:22 am
Bookwormgal16 says...



I loved it. Pokemon was always my favorite show when I was little. There were a few mistakes but away from that it was really good and entertaining. I really enjoyed this story. Bravo.




dark says...


Thanks! Bye the way your profile picture is preal cute! <3



jordin says...


Preal?




I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison