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Pokemon Ultimate Evolution: Episode 2, The right kind of lives.

by dark


The air was calm. The grass swayed in the wind, literally kissing me as it brushed up against my lips as I lay sideways on the grass. Suddenly I was standing up. I knew I was asleep but I felt wide awake. I saw lots of people living amongst one another, so peacefully. Then everything turned into a time lapse of the future. The people had built many towns and cities. With no one telling them what to do or how to live their life. No laws existed and everything was just fine. I knew there were going to be one or two people living in poverty for some reason and nobody helping them. The kind of world that was perfect in my mind. Before I could see more I woke up to the sound of thunder.

unh.. What's going on?

I accedently shot a bolt of lightning at a cloud and in flew down to me. A pitch black cloud floated in front of me. It was very small. "That's it!" I exclaimed. "The dream I had was what I'm supposed to do now."

I didn't see it but I knew what to do now. I had to make myself disappear. I had to do seal myself in this cloud, slow down my aging so that it's not obvious to the Pokemon that I'm the oldest person in the world and the one who created everything. And finally, I needed to keep myself away in the cloud until the world was fully developed by the Pokemon who will hatch from the thousands of eggs I created. But first while the cloud expanded from the electricity, I needed to give my sibiling in the white egg a name. Since I found it, I always had a name in mind but not an official first name for it. The name wasReshiram Flamer.I knew it would fit the Pokemon perfectly.

I went to sleep on the grass again. When I woke, the cloud had fully expanded. I stuck my hand into it and I had to force it out.

"Perfect." I said. I stepped into the cloud with the white egg in my arms. The inside was pitch black. I felt myself slowing down. My breathing slowed rapidly, down to one breath a minute. Before I fell into a deep sleep, I came up with a first name for my sibiling.

"Jason... Jason Reshiram Flamer" I said before falling into the deep sleep. I felt myself break away from consciousness.


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Wed Nov 26, 2014 11:21 am
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

The previous review was absolutely exhausting, so I hope you don't mind if I leave out the technicalities, such as spelling or language errors. There are two complete seasons to review, and I see you have already begun your third, so they will mostly be focussed on plot elements, though you will have to forgive me if I briefly indulge in critiquing the other aspects as well.

The previous chapter/episode had been rather short, but I had thought of it as a prologue of sorts. However, this chapter seems to be of equally short length, and I think that it should actually be a part of the first chapter/episode, since both deal with the creation of something - a world, in chapter/episode one, and civilisation, in chapter/episode two. Obviously, you won't be making changes as drastic as that now but it would be prudent to consider my advice while writing future chapters/episodes.

Furthermore, I just realised something: weren't Zekrom and Reshiram one being once, but when there was conflict in Unova the being split up into two? I have also noticed that Kyurem has not been mentioned yet. I suppose he will appear later...

There is another thing which I do not understand - Zekrom's desire to hide himself from the world. Why would he want to do this? I have literally never heard of a Legendary Pokémon dying due to age, though I do know some of them can die, so why would he want to isolate himself from his creations? In addition, Zekrom is supposed to represent Ideals, but at the moment, he seems to encourage anarchy. There is order in the world for a reason, and if everyone simply did whatever they wanted, chaos would ensue; poverty would most certainly not be restricted to only a couple of individuals, and nobody would co-exist peacefully. I understand that Zekrom desires an ideal world, but in order for that to be achieved, certain types of behaviour would be encouraged, whereas others would be discouraged and even punished.

When further exploring the last thought I have mentioned in the above paragraph, I also realised that Dark and Ghost type Pokémon have no place in an ideal world, because in an ideal world, nobody would die, everybody would be kind and friendly, and everyone would be happy. Yet the Dark and Ghost types do exist, which leads to the question of who created them?

Hopefully these questions will be answered in future chapters/episodes, but in the event they are not, I would advise addressing them.




dark says...


Ah a confusing mind I've given this young dragon... I look back and see what I could've changed, or explained more sometimes.
I`ll answer your questions in order. This story is worlds away from the Pokemon story we all know. In this world, truth and ideals were conceived as two different beings, Reshiram and Zekrom, Kyurem world also be a seperate being. You'll find there are only small instances where the two stories are alike. I just wanted to make sure that most of the story wasn't information that people already knew, if that made any sense to you.
Next, you asked about Zekrom's idea of an ideal world. You see, being born with so much knowledge, you would think he'd stay and let the world grow with him. Instead, maybe because of a creative side of sorts, he decided to experiment with a world filled with people who could live amazing lives without having to follow laws, or endure a punishment so they know right from wrong. His creations are conceived with the knowledge just as he was. They'd do what's best for themselves without anyone requiring them to do so.
Finally you ask about dark and ghost types. Yes it is true, in the actual pokemon world, and this one, Pokemon of those types are usually evil, but in time, you'll find out why they still exist in this "ideal" world. Maybe this young dragon wants death to occur...

I hope you found any of this helpful as you make your way through the confusing bits of my story. Thanks for the reviews!



AstralHunter says...


Oh, I see. Thank you for clarifying - the story makes a lot more sense now. I shall continue reviewing your novel/season later today, during Review Day, or in the days that follow, but review it I shall.



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Mon Sep 29, 2014 12:47 am
Charizard821 wrote a review...



Interesting... it would appear that you have created another piece in which I am confused, and yet pleased. The confusion comes from the lack of detail. Don't get me wrong, there are some great details in here, but not enough to satisfy me. (I'm picky like that.) For example; in the last chapter, Ryan was awake at the very end. However, in this chapter, he's waking up on a field of grass. Also, the time lapse was a cool effect, but I'm still not quite sure how it happened, or how the energy in the egg caused a vision of the future to appear in Ryan's head. I'm happy with this piece though. However short, it was an enjoyable read, and I will continue to stick with this story. Keep on writing it!




dark says...


Ah, I'm. Glad you're enjoying it. You see, these earlier pieces could've easily been edited, buti decided against that. It give you the effect of seeking my improvent if you will. Heh, read on, bud, confusion is what i was going for, although it was a bit risky...



Charizard821 says...


Risky indeed! But I will stick with the story. Also, being a Pokemon fan, you should check out my story, "The Tale of a Charmander." I'd love to hear your opinion on my work.



dark says...


I plan to, but as of now, my only source of internet is a friends phone, which make it difficult to read anything. Trust, I wont forget!



Charizard821 says...


Alright. Thank you for that.



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Sat Sep 14, 2013 9:08 pm
Pokemonlover545 wrote a review...



I hope you know that I'll be doing reviews of all of these Pokemon Ultimate Evolution things. I just want 300 points again. I also somehow published 2 things with 300 points. The grass kissed you literally? It has no mouth/lips. That's what it needs to kiss you. Also I keep forgetting you're not a Zekrom anymore, and are a human. How does everything turn into a time lapse of the future? How fast did it go? I need to know all of this stuff so I can picture it without not understanding some things. After this I will need to give 2 more reviews unless this isn't a 1000+ character review. I FORGOT TO SAY THAT THIS IS A REVIEW.This is a review. These are very short, but my Pokemon things are short too, so....ANOTHER QUESTION! Why is Zekrom the oldest in this world? Arceus is the oldest. Without Arceus, Ryan Zekrom Sparker, also known as Zekrom would never have been born! Explain all of that to me. I guess all of these ARE YOU'RE ideas. So I guess this makes sense since these are your ideas. I'm still trying to give the longest review ever in a Pokemon book. But I never really have much to talk about except for all the stuff that is wrong and other stuff like that. Why is Zekrom always sleeping? And I KNEW THAT EGG WOULD HAVE RESHIRAM HATCH FROM IT!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:28 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey again, Dark. So, I'm here for part two and it's much shorter than the first. They go really well together. It seems like there's no break in time, so I wonder why you decided to break it up.

First off, be sure to be careful about your spelling, okay? I caught this:

accedently


which should be "accidentally". I dunno if you need to hear a lecture about presentation, but I'll try to give it as nicely as possible. Earlier today I went to a seminar for native english teachers in Korea. I was prepared for something professional -- maybe a panel of experts talking about the environment of hagwons compared to the past and the future, setting forth goals for us to strive to. Instead, I was met with an MC who made a mistake every time he spoke and presenters (aside from one) that didn't seem prepared to speak publicly. This was really disappointing, because I wanted something sparkling and useful and got something that felt like people complaining in a room together.

When I see little spelling errors, it lowers the caliber of the piece for me. I want to follow your writing and enjoy it, but spelling errors break me out of following the plot and turn on the editor in me. If you get all your spelling and grammar right, nobody will have to pause at those insignificant things in your writing and instead focus on your STORY!

Lastly, for this review, I wondered how Ryan knew what he was supposed to do and why he knew he could go in this cloud. I think he's a psychic pokemon, but I'd like to see more of a connection between his vision and his decision on how to go forward. Did he see himself creating the eggs and the same eggs existing in the future?

I also wonder why he mentioned a couple of people in poverty. Will this be important in the story later?

I am off to part three~




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:34 am
maleficent wrote a review...



The air was calm. The grass swayed in the wind, literally kissing me as it brushed up against my lips as I lay sideways on the grass. Suddenly I was standing up. I knew I was asleep but I felt wide awake. I saw lots of people living amongst one another, so peacefully. Then everything turned into a time lapse of the future. The people had built many towns and cities. With no one telling them what to do or how to live their life. No laws existed and everything was just fine. I knew there were going to be one or two people living in poverty for some reason and nobody helping them. The kind of world that was perfect in my mind. Before I could see more I woke up to the sound of thunder.


Sorry for the whole paragraph being quoted but there are things at different points within that relate to what I'm about to say. Like my last review of the first chapter, Zekrom seems to know a lot about the world he's created; which does make sense. However he has never been to another world or interacted with others. Yes, he realises that the world needs rules and laws but would a newly hatched Pokemon know what laws are? Hehe.

It appeared as if no boundaries had been set, no common agreement that brought them together.

Also, he already knows what people are?
I saw beings, unlike myself and all of the creatures I'd created. That's just a starting point that you can expand on.

unh... What's going on?

Unh*
I'd suggest Urgh as an alternative.

accedently

Accidentally*

I accedently shot a bolt of lightning at a cloud and in flew down to me. A pitch black cloud floated in front of me. It was very small.

I accidentally shot a bolt of lightening towards a small cloud and it descended towards me. It had turned a deep black and was now floating idly in front of me.

I didn't see it but I knew what to do now. I had to make myself disappear. I had to do seal myself in this cloud, slow down my aging so that it's not obvious to the Pokemon that I'm the oldest person in the world and the one who created everything.

This seems a little too rushed and doesn't offer an explanation as to how he came to this realisation. How did the cloud make him realise all of this? Nothing hinted at the fact that he needed to become absent for the world to flourish.

I didn't see it, but I knew what to do. I had to disappear, I needed to seal myself away in this cloud and hope that longevity would hide my existence from the others.

The name wasReshiram Flamer.

The name was Reshiram Flamer*

I went to sleep on the grass again. When I woke, the cloud had fully expanded. I stuck my hand into it and I had to force it out.
[/quote]
He seemed pretty amazed at the realisation, so why would he fall asleep directly after?

I like where the story is going, but I think there are a few loose ends that you need to fix. It doesn't flow as well as it should but it's good!

Sorry if I seemed a little harsh, I always feel a little bad when I review. However I hope it can help you in the future!

Happy Review Day! :]




dark says...


About, Ryan's intelligence:
A person like him hatches with the knowledge of things they should not know at all, such as know that a regular world would have rules and laws and he doesn't want that. Sorry about the confusion. Ryan is supposed to be a being like no other, which is why he has some the ability to learn things without teaching himself or without being taught.



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Mon May 27, 2013 6:21 pm
Jonathan says...



Hello dark this is better or as good as your other one.

(I love it.)




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 3:47 pm
rwgbookwriter wrote a review...



’m assuming that it’s some kind of Pokemon fan-fiction? Well if it is, then there’s probably a reason for why I don’t understand so much of this story . . .
Okay, so from what I see, this’s some kind of prologue for a book, right? As far as that goes, I guess it’s pretty good, but seeing as I know nothing about Pokemon I can’t hope to understand it. You can’t count on all of your readers knowing what you’re talking about. It’s never a bad thing to put in a bit of description (Maybe an introduction in Narrative Summary) describing what you’re talking about . . . Obviously you’d put a note in for those readers who don’t need to read it.
But anyway: for the writing.




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 9:19 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Hmmm, okay so, I assume this is the other Pokemon? Reshiram? And he's giving his name to... what? Who? One of the two characters in the story? This is confusing, I must confess. It seems you're thinking more in the terms of an anime *cough Pokemon cough* what with the time lapses into the future and everything. This would work well as an anime, but I don't think you managed to translate what you were envisioning properly into text.

I notice the mental connection to the two eggs, but still. I just don't understand what this novel is about, or going to be about. It's all very jumbled and confusing.

Once again, I think you should just get rid of these first two chapters and tell us about characters, normal characters we can understand and care for, or perhaps despise, but at least relate to. Then, these two chapters can be used as flashback, or handy Deus Ex Machina to explain something in the plot. This could be used as a twist later on, but I'm just not seeing it as of now.

Do what you will.

Hope I gave food for thought
~Ita




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 12:06 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Okay, so, Black here for a Review Day Review.

XD, so I don’t really know what this is . . . exactly, I’m assuming that it’s some kind of Pokemon fan-fiction? Well if it is, then there’s probably a reason for why I don’t understand so much of this story . . .
Okay, so from what I see, this’s some kind of prologue for a book, right? As far as that goes, I guess it’s pretty good, but seeing as I know nothing about Pokemon I can’t hope to understand it. You can’t count on all of your readers knowing what you’re talking about. It’s never a bad thing to put in a bit of description (Maybe an introduction in Narrative Summary) describing what you’re talking about . . . Obviously you’d put a note in for those readers who don’t need to read it.
But anyway: for the writing.

What I see: A ‘person’ (You don’t specify whether it’s a guy or a girl, human or not) falls asleep in some grass and has a dream were they see what they have to do. Then they use some kind of power and make a cage out of a cloud that will keep them in an induced coma for X years. That way they can wake up 10,000 years after this, just fine.

Let me know if that’s wrong.

Grammar:

The grass swayed in the wind. Literally kissing me as it brushed up against my lips as I lay sideways on the grass.


I think you want a comma after ‘wind’ . . . try reading this sentence out loud.
people living amoungst one another


Beside the fact that this dream makes no sense to me, ‘amoungst’ is not a word. I think you want ‘amongst’. . . . Really this dream is hard to understand, try reading it out loud (My solution) and then re-writing it and making it really say what you want it to.

unh.. What's going on?

Okay, so this is monologue, thoughts, you really need to put it in italics and then maybe use a bit more of it to describe things later on. . . . (You should never just use monologue once then drop it)

I accedently shot a bolt of lightning

I’m feeling my lack of Pokemon knowledge right now . . . but besides that, ‘accedently’ isn’t a word, I think you meant ‘accidently’.

, I needed to give my sibiling

‘sibiling’ isn’t a word, but ‘sibling’ is. . . . I think that’s what you want. (You misspell it more than once)

The name wasReshiram Flamer.I

All right, you need a space after ‘was’ and ‘Flamer’ (Nice name).


I think that you should break down those two big paragraphs a bit, but really there isn’t much more that I can add to this story, I don’t know anything about Pokemon so I can’t critic your plot, theme, idea or anything . . . so far I think you need to organize yourself a bit, do a quick review before posting, and describe what’s going on in a way that a non-Pokemon fan can understand. . . .


But overall, it seems interesting (Keep it up)

~Black~




dark says...


I am so embarrassed that I had all of those mistakes!




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