I.
Charm and wit establishes
her skill of manipulation:
A scripted tale of past years,
long pauses of thought
to leave victims lingering,
clutching tight to mystery.
The quick moment of power and control
is instant gratification,
and the bloody aftermath
of swollen eyes
and salt-stained pillows
will try to be avoided, forgotten.
It remains rooted in her nature:
Love, a hell.
Vengeance, a sanctuary.
II.
Wrapped in your cigarette smoke,
I’ll spit out my heart
and toss it on your ankle
like a hacky-sack,
beating to the rhythm,
the motion of our bodies.
I embrace the hot sting;
I know afterwards you’ll
kiss away my watercolor tears.
With interlocked fingers
you drive me to bodily seizures:
a precursor to my euphoria
I’ve yet to reach.
III.
Your light musk
embedded inside me,
constantly whirring
in my lungs.
I never wanted it
to escape,
but I puffed it out
when a train rode
over my chest
and when sensory deprivation
for the future kicked in.
You peeled your skin open,
let me delve in your mind.
I opened my mouth
to spew acid over you
and warped the dreams
roaming inside you.
I wish I hadn’t,
In a few years
when life’s dwindled down
I’ll want that musk again.
It’s just that,
commitment came knocking
when I was busy in the shower.
This poem is pretty awesome
-ImHero
Hello, this is my first review so bare with me while i try to do this.....
Okay first.. the first stanza was alittle hard to understand, i didnt quite get what you were talking about was it her manipulation or what, were you taling about a battle with herself, or was she in the middle of crying?
Second.. Wrapped in your ciggarette smoke is a very good peice of imagry, when i closed my eyes i could see that she was sitting somewhere, with someone thinking about her love for them, showing that when she saw them it was not only a good feeling but when she thought about her feelings, she could see that they were not only good but they were also bad feelings like she could possibly get hurt with them while she is crying.
Third... the third for some reason was my favorite stanza, it not only is a good stanza but it was compelling, made me remeber my first love, when i used to sit with them and they would smoke a cigerette or something, I hate cigerettes but when they smoked them it was something for a delightful smell just because they were doing it.
And four... through out the entire poem i would tell you were talking about someone but is this poem about someone or about your feelings for someone, it seems like you have some unanswered questions about it, and when reading it i noticed you are a very good poet, you just need alittle more practice, with the ideas and plot of your poem.
Thank you for leting me review this.. have a very nice day!
-Aaron
Hey Emilyleigh!
This review will just be my overall comments and thoughts. If at any point during my review something doesn't make sense, or I'm getting the wrong interpretations, or you don't agree just shoot me a line, I promise I don't bite. So, I'm just going to dive in.
I. Not a fan of the first two lines. Establish is an awkward verb to begin with, it's something that is dry, scholarly and textbook, which seems to be the opposite of charm. "Her skill of manipulation" is passive, you want: "her manipulative skill".
This part seems to be depicting this spiteful woman-character, and what I don't like about this part is that it is telling rather than showing. I can see that it has all the potential to be an interesting, engaging portrait/character, but I want to see a small photograph or a snippet of a scene of this woman luring her victims, rather than explictly told that she acts a certain way, if that makes sense. Why not just make the poem in her voice, or use her dialogue?
II. This part is my favorite. It's colorful and much easier to dive into, partly because of the imagery here which is great - particularly the hacky-sack line C: That's cute. The woman described in this part seems like a big contrast to the woman described in the first. This woman is hot-passion-headoverheels. The other woman in part I seemed cold and apathetic to me. If it's meant to be the same woman, there's a bit of a disconnect--but is it that in part I the woman was the manipulator, and in part II she's being manipulated? Hmm.
III. Whirring seems like a strange verb choice here, that's a sound-descriptor and it seemed like you were going for a smell? Actually, I'm not even sure, all I know is that you have "light musk" and "embed" and those words together portrays a soft waft of a scent -- whirring is frantic and slightly mechanical. P: Words have textures and colors and histories, it's like cooking, how certain ingredients mesh together well, and certain ingredients together are downright nasty, you want to make sure your words are molding right.
This third part seems kind of out of place, because I don't see manipulation at play here at all? Unless it's meant to be towards the end the line about the delving into the mind? There are some great gems of lines here though -- I particularly like the peeling of the skin and the wafting musk imagery.
C: Overall, I'll have to say, I like that you go for trying to get these interesting lines and word pairs, a lot of people get turned off by abstract or metaphorical images - but I enjoyed it here. Eager to reading some more of your poetry!
~ as always, Audy