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Pokemon Ultimate Evolution Episode 1: Ryan Zekrom Sparker.

by dark


I slowly opened my eyes. The light from the distant stars kissed my cheeks. I touched the side of my face and felt the heat on my hands.

This sensational feeling... It feels good.

I moved around, floating in space. Searching for a place to rest some more. Asteroids loomed the space nearby. They annoyed me deeply.

These formations are in my way. i need to move them, but... I don't know how to move them.

Suddenly, I felt electricity moving inside me. Then sparks flew around me and zapped the asteroids out of my way. I no longer wanted to rest rest again. I amazed myself with my electric power. The sparks flew with me and occasionally fizzled back into my body.

I flew back to where I hatched and opened my mouth. A strage sound came out.

"This is the place. The place where I must create a world for beings like me." I said.

I soon became fascinated with my voice. It was slightly high pitched, and not too deep. I then flew very fast around in a circle for a few minutes. My electricity pulsed and surged with rage, forming a very large round figure.

I backed away a few meters and looked at my creation. I saw my right arm as stretched my limbs. It felt very good to stretch. My arms and legs were a deep black colour, even more black than the space around. As I looked closer, I saw little diamond shaped scales on them. I could even feel them near my lips as I licked them. I appeared to be a small black dragon. While thinking of a name for myself, the round figure I created stated to become more dense. Alowing me to fly inside of it.

"The first existing planet is starting to take perfect shape. Just as I envisioned it." I said in delight.

The grass on the surface was cut perfectly. Shaping itself as and growing from my energy that created it. It used to be a part of me after all, so I didn't think much of it. I materialized more energy in a ring around me and shot it in all directions. It started creating trees, flowers of all colours,and best of all little eggs with different coloured stripes on them.

"This is my creation. ALL MINE!!!" I screamed into the air.

Satisfied with my creation, I lie down on the grass and closed my eyes. Then I remembered that I needed a name. I came up with the perfect name. Ryan, for my power and voice. Zekrom, for my dragon like body, and Sparker, for awesome electric abilities.

Ryan Zekrom Sparker. Perfect.

Soon I fell asleep, only to be awakened by several crashing sounds.

I sprang up and readied myself in case of any danger. There was none. It was just that several eggs that fell from space where I hatched. One landed very close to me. It was white with a blue fire patern on it. When I picked it up and cradled it in my arms. My electricity went wild. I surged all around me and completely altared my appearance. My skin wasn't scalely anymore and it turned light. The top of my head had short grey hair sitting on it. I was wearing a yellow shirt with a black thunderbolt printed on it. A small grey jacket and black shoes on my feet.

This egg triggered something in me. Something strong. All my planet's inhabitants will have power like this. I know this for a fact.

I took the white egg and I took a quick saunter with the egg in my arms. The egg warmed up as the being in side was comfortable with me. It must be one of my sibilings.

We are the first. The first... Pokemon. Yes, that name is perfect.


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Wed Jan 21, 2015 9:09 pm
ExOmelas says...



This sensational feeling... It feels good.

Kind of stating the obvious here :P

They annoyed me deeply.

Explain why. Asteroids are not normally described as annoying. It would therefore help the reader to understand the character if there was a reason. Even if the reason was made to sound like it was stating the obvious: "They were always..."

A strage sound came out.

First of all, you missed out the n in 'strange'. Also, describe this sound. Pokemons can make some ridiculous sounds. It would greatly enhance the reader's experience to know what this sound was like.

"This is my creation. ALL MINE!!!" I screamed into the air.

Remove the all-caps. The sentence speaks for itself.

I lie down on the grass and closed my eyes

Careful of the tense switch.

Then I remembered that I needed a name. I came up with the perfect name.

This happens far too suddenly. Describe the character's thought process in deciding on the name. Or at least make it seem like a connected event. Right now the second sentence could easily say 'I bought a book' and have the same tone.

The paragraph that begins:

I sprang up and readied myself in case of any danger.


Doesn't flow very well at all. Vary the sentence length. Don't spell everything out. Describe your character's thoughts as well as what happened. Right now there is very little flavour to that paragraph but there is a great deal of promise. PM me for clarification on that if you like.

The next bit in italics is far too spelled-out. You aren't leaving anything to the reader's imagination which makes it less fun and the reader becomes less engaged. This means they are less likely to keep reading on.

Most of what I've said in these past two paragraphs applies to all of it. This was very stilted, but has great potential. I know it turns out far better, because I read later chapters.

I'd say keep writing but you already have :)
Craig




dark says...


Yeah, and I've gotten much better.



ExOmelas says...


Yeah :) Also, sorry about the glitch down there |
|
V



ExOmelas says...


aaand that was meant to be an arrow :P



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Wed Jan 21, 2015 6:30 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



This sensational feeling... It feels good.

Kind of stating the obvious here :P

They annoyed me deeply.

Explain why. Asteroids are not normally described as annoying. It would therefore help the reader to understand the character if there was a reason. Even if the reason was made to sound like it was stating the obvious: "They were always..."

A strage sound came out.

First of all, you missed out the n in 'strange'. Also, describe this sound. Pokemons can make some ridiculous sounds. It would greatly enhance the reader's experience to know what this sound was like.

"This is my creation. ALL MINE!!!" I screamed into the air.

Remove the all-caps. The sentence speaks for itself.

I lie down on the grass and closed my eyes

Careful of the tense switch.

Then I remembered that I needed a name. I came up with the perfect name.

This happens far too suddenly. Describe the character's thought process in deciding on the name. Or at least make it seem like a connected event. Right now the second sentence could easily say 'I bought a book' and have the same tone.

The paragraph that begins:

I sprang up and readied myself in case of any danger.


Doesn't flow very well at all. Vary the sentence length. Don't spell everything out. Describe your character's thoughts as well as what happened. Right now there is very little flavour to that paragraph but there is a great deal of promise. PM me for clarification on that if you like.

The next bit in italics is far too spelled-out. You aren't leaving anything to the reader's imagination which makes it less fun and the reader becomes less engaged. This means they are less likely to keep reading on.

Most of what I've said in these past two paragraphs applies to all of it. This was very stilted, but has great potential. I know it turns out far better, because I read later chapters.

I'd say keep writing but you already have :)
Craig




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Wed Nov 26, 2014 10:42 am
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations!

You will probably not remember me, but a few review days ago, I had commented on one of your chapters (or episodes, as I suppose I should call them), saying that instead of falling in randomly, I shall review your story from the beginning. Well, I finally have the time to review again, so I'm here. Sorry it took so long. Also, I have noticed by scrolling down, that you have quite a few (nine) reviews - all from Pokémon fans, it seems. Therefore, I am not sure whether this review will be of any use to you, but I suppose that should not stop me from trying. Here goes!


Normally, I would point out the first sentence and analyse its effectiveness as a stand-alone sentence and then as a part of a paragraph, but in this case, it is slightly more complicated than that. Take your sentence:

I slowly opened my eyes.

When read alone, some people might groan and say, "Great, yet another clichéd opening." However, for the full effect of this sentence to be appreciated, you have to continue reading.
I slowly opened my eyes. The light from the distant stars kissed my cheeks. I touched the side of my face and felt the heat on my hands.

This sensational feeling... It feels good.

Once you have read the first two paragraphs as a whole, the first sentence does not matter; you are enraptured by the fluidity of the text, and it is appropriate, since it perfectly captures the atmosphere of waking up in space and living for the first time. It is quite a marvelous opening to a novel (or season), and if I had to find fault with it, I would suggest not capitalising the "It" of "It feels good", since I would consider it as part of the preceding sentence.


I moved around, floating in space. Searching for a place to rest some more.

These two sentences appear to be two halves of a single idea. Perhaps joining them in an appropriate manner, such as "I moved around, floating in space, searching for a place to rest some more." for example, is a good idea.


Asteroids loomed the space nearby. They annoyed me deeply.

The first sentence should be "Asteroids loomed in the space nearby." Articles, prepositions and pronouns are the "glue" of sentences, so if you are speedwriting, like when you have to take notes in class, you may exclude these, but not in the official writing, since they help the sentence read naturally and comfortably. The second sentence has a different problem: "deeply" is not the most suitable adverb here; you can be troubled deeply, but annoyed deeply...? I suggest replacing it with something like "They annoyed me greatly."

In addition, these two sentences raise an interesting question - if this being woke up in space when there were already asteroids, who created the asteroids? Does Arceus play a role here, but we simply do not know of it yet?


These formations are in my way. i need to move them, but... I don't know how to move them.

I like how you intermittently place the being's thoughts between the text, since it makes for a refreshing change, but this particular thought can be improved. Here is how I would have written the sentence, and then I shall explain why:
    These formations are in my way; I need to move them... but how?
The first sentence ended too abruptly; after all, it flows into the second sentence, so why not join them in some way? I often employ semi-colons, but a comma and a conjunction would have been just as appropriate. (Also, remember to capitalise your I's.) The clause "but... I don't know how to move them." is subject to two cardinal sins of writing: tautology and circumlotion.
:!: The conjunction "but" and the ellipsis both indicate (in context, of course) that a contradiction is to follow, so why not remove the ellipsis? I chose to place it before the conjunction because then the pause which was previously redundant is now dramatic.
:!: Circumlotion (also called paraphrasis) is the act of using more words to convey a message than is strictly necessary. Before I elaborate, read that sentence again. See how the explanation itself is subject to circumlotion? Better would have been "Circumlotion is the act of unnecessarily extending your sentences." Can you see why? The same goes for the actual clause: "I don't know how to move them." By replacing all of that with "how?", I made the sentence shorter and improved the flow. Shorter sentences also tend to be more powerful.


Suddenly, I felt electricity moving inside me. Then sparks flew around me and zapped the asteroids out of my way. I no longer wanted to rest rest again. I amazed myself with my electric power. The sparks flew with me and occasionally fizzled back into my body.

This paragraph is certainly an interesting one, but let's tackle it and see how we can improve it. Okay, first sentence, no problem. Second sentence, problem. Does it have the same idea/theme as the preceding sentence? Partly. Well, if it sounds awkward on its own, take out your literary glue and stick the two rogues together:
    Suddenly, I felt electricity moving inside me, but then sparks flew around me and zapped the asteroids out of my way.
Hmm, that seems awkward as well. How to keep the sentences joined, but remove the awkwardness. Conjunctions are only one tool in a writer's toolbox - I'd search for an alternative. A semi-colon can be used to replace a conjunction, so let's try that.
    Suddenly, I felt electricity moving inside me; sparks flew around me and zapped the asteroids out of my way."
That seems work, doesn't it? Remember, punctuation can be a very powerful tool, so don't be afraid to experiment with punctuation marks you don't ordinarily use - dashes and semi-colons have helped me out of many a tricky situation.

The two sentences thereafter suffer from the same plight. So what do we do? We join them!
    I no longer wanted to rest rest again, since I had amazed myself with my electric power.
"Since" works perfectly fine, but I use its cousins "as" and "for" when I need a little variety. Also, there are some incorrectly repeated words, so let's remove them as well.
    I no longer wanted to rest, as I had amazed myself with my electric power.
There! However, if you aren't a fan of conjunctions, replace them, but use your semi-colons sparingly - some people may find an abundance of them overwhelming - and remember to modify your sentence appropriately, should it be required.
    I no longer wanted to rest; I was amazed with my electric power.


A strage sound came out.

Typo: strange


My electricity pulsed and surged with rage, forming a very large round figure.

"Rage" is such a negative emotion. The dude is creating a planet! Would an abstract noun such as "excitement" or "anticipation" not be better suited?


My arms and legs were a deep black colour, even more black than the space around.

It is not "more black" but "blacker". Also, adding a "me" after the last word in the sentence would be a good idea.


I appeared to be a small black dragon.

Whenever I read a Pokémon fan-fiction, the authors always do the same thing - they assume that everyone already knows what the Pokémon look like, so it saves them the trouble of describing these Pokémon. NO! Let's say it was not a fan-fiction, but an original novel; could they omit the descriptions then? Unless they would be satisfied with having very few readers, all of whom would be disgruntled, I don't think so. You have at least described Zekrom, but the quoted sentence does not belong there. If he is the first living thing to exist, how would he know what a dragon looks like? And come to think of it, take a look at some Dragon-type Pokémon: Vibrava, Dragonair, Druddigon and Altaria are all dragons, but do they look the same? Literally none of them have the same body forms. Describing Zekrom as a "small, black dragon" is therefore woefully insufficient. Be creative, play with your imagery. It's one of the best parts of writing, after all!


While thinking of a name for myself, the round figure I created stated to become more dense. Alowing me to fly inside of it.

Corrected last phrase: "...become more dense, allowing me to fly inside it."


"This is my creation. ALL MINE!!!" I screamed into the air.

Seems a little vain and psycho for a deity, does it not? In literature, we never use more than one exclamation mark. Moreover, "screamed into the air" ought to be replaced with "called proudly" for stylistic improvement.


It was just that several eggs that fell from space where I hatched.

The tense of this sentence can be improved: "It was just that several eggs had fallen from the space where I had hatched."


When I picked it up and cradled it in my arms. My electricity went wild. I surged all around me and completely altared my appearance. My skin wasn't scalely anymore and it turned light. The top of my head had short grey hair sitting on it. I was wearing a yellow shirt with a black thunderbolt printed on it. A small grey jacket and black shoes on my feet.

Explaining what is wrong here will be exhausting, so how about I show you the corrections and then you deduce what was wrong? (PS: Green indicates stylistic improvements, whereas red indicates corrections made to spelling and language errors.
    When I picked it up and cradled it in my arms, my electricity went wild. It surged all around me and completely altered my appearance. My skin wasn't scaly anymore and it turned light. The top of my head had short grey hair covering it. I was wearing a yellow shirt with a black thunderbolt printed on it. A small grey jacket and black shoes were on my feet.
Reading through this again, I realised something was missing. Can you guess what?
Spoiler! :
Pants.



All in all, this is a very interesting first chapter/episode - I would never have thought that Zekrom, the incarnation of Ideals, would be the world's creator, although it is clear he is not the creator of the Unvierse, as the birth of his siblings illustrates. (He has Reshiram's egg :) ) As a fan of Pokémon myself, I cannot wait to read the next chapters/epidsodes.




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Mon Sep 29, 2014 12:35 am
Charizard821 wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Charizard821, and I know I'm a bit late, but, being a Pokémon lover, I wanted to begin reading this series. I, like you, am also doing a series where the main protagonist is a Pokémon. It's called "The Tale of a Charmander". You should definitely check it out. I'd love to hear your feedback. Anyways, I digress. This is about you, not me. When I read this, I definitely noticed some things that could be improved upon. For example, when you described the sequence where Ryan became a human, (at least I think he became a human,) I was a bit confused. How did the energy from the egg do this? Why is he suddenly wearing a shirt? Also, the description itself was informative, but not informative enough to give us a clear understanding of exactly what happened there. Really, that's my biggest criticism. I think it was a strong opening that really shed some light on how the Pokémon world was created, and I can't wait to see what becomes of Ryan in the next chapters! Be sure to look out for my review on your other chapters! I'll definitely read them!




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Wed Aug 06, 2014 2:20 pm
ShadowTony1 wrote a review...



I really like the way you're thinking in this. Making the protagonist a Pokemon? GENIUS! A very creative idea indeed. The first episode/chapter seems a bit short especially since episodes last like what? 25-30 minutes?

Anyways, the details give out fine, vivid, imaginations and can clearly give me the setting of the story. One thing though, SOOOOOOOO BOOORRRRINNNGGGGG!!! Haha, I just had to do that. xD. The details seem great, except nothing goes into the story. This episode seems like a prologue, instead of an episode. It doesn't say what he's doing there, why he's naming himself, and where are his parents. Just a name...

The story itself seems something worth reading, but just need to touch up on the story. Good job!

I would rate this a 3.9 out of 5 :D.




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Sat Sep 14, 2013 8:32 pm
Pokemonlover545 wrote a review...



Another review! I agree with pensword. It does sound like he is a person, then a dragon, and then a human again! How does that make sense? By that I mean Pokemon sense. I only need 27 more points until I have 300! I have another question. What did the eggs with striped have in them? I have soooo many questions! I still think that this stuff is interesting. What did Zekrom sleep on? Was Zekrom already on the planet? Didn't Zekrom start as a human floating in space? Space has NO air! I guess all of this makes sense to you. By that I mean in Pokemon again.




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Sat Sep 14, 2013 8:26 pm
Pokemonlover545 wrote a review...



This is a review. Starting my review, is a question. The question is:How were you floating in space? There's no air in space or was that Zekrom? I am writing this as I am reading it. I noticed that it sounded like you were a Zekrom. Now i see that Zekrom turned into a human. Maybe not, but you can tell me what is really happening. Why dosen't this review show how many characters I have typed!? So did Ryan Zekrom Sparker just think of the name "Pokemon" out of nowhere? The white egg must have been Reshiram's egg. It makes sense! This stuff is interesting! I'll read the rest of Pokemon Ultimate Evolution! By the way, why is it called Pokemon Ultimate Evolution? I'm also trying to make the longest review ever! I need some stuff to talk about... Another question is in my head. What were the other eggs? I also thought that Arceus created everything, ot Zekrom. Zekrom said "We are the first Pokemon". Arceus,Uxie,Mesprit,Azelf,Dialga,Palkia,and Giratina were the first ones. Or were those the eggs of the Pokemon I just said? Where did Zekrom get the name "Ryan" from? This must be a super long review because it really looks like it now! I hope the number of characters can go to over 2000! It could possibly! I'll test it with this sentence right here! And I guess it has a scrolling thingy. End of review. Goodbye!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:16 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, Dark.

I saw that some parts of this story were in the Green Room, so I figured I'd start from the beginning.

I have to say that I, for the most part, love the opening. At first, it reminded me of Mew and Mewtwo (please excuse me -- I only ever played the original games + gold/silver + diamond/pearl, I don't know these knew fangled black and white pokemon very well), maybe being suspended in their science fluid. But I loved the epic space setting and especially the descriptions of the way this character reacted to the other elements in space.

I also like that you're exploring the possibility of pokemon being humans, too, so we can explore the pokemon's emotions without having to break through the barrier of them being like animals! I am excited to learn who is in the white egg.

The biggest thing I have a problem with is your technical presentation. Please check all your spelling, capitalization, and especially dialogue punctuation. Here's a good knowledge base article to help you out: click!

I'm off to the next part~




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:35 am
pensword wrote a review...



Hi, happy review day,

It was a pretty nice bit, though I don't get the context, or even the character. Is he a dragon or a person? It starts out where he has hands, suddenly hes a dragon, then again he is a person. What's going on? And how does he suddenly know all of these facts about the world if he was just made? It was a little confusing, but I imagine it would be self explanatory for a follower of pokemon. Never did get it myself... But anyway. The loud crashes are really not necessary to add in after you state that there were crashing sounds. It justs halts the flow of your piece. Always pay attention to word spellings, i.e., "altared to altered, strage to strange." Otherwise I thought it was pretty good. Touching it up a bit would make it even better. Keep it up!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:18 am
maleficent wrote a review...



This sensational feeling... It feels good

Just a personal note, but I would have written it differently.
You say the feeling is sensational which is a good in terms of description, but then you lesser the power of the feeling by using the word good afterwards.
This feeling... It feels sensational.

Asteroids loomed the space nearby. They annoyed me deeply.

Asteroids loomed annoyingly nearby. Again, just a personal thought on how to neaten the sentence up.

These formations are in my way. i need to move them, but... I don't know how to move them.

These formations, they're in my way. I need to move them but... I don't know how
I*

I no longer wanted to rest rest again.

I no longer wanted to rest again.

I flew back to where I hatched and opened my mouth. A strage sound came out.
I flew back to where I'd hatched. I opened my mouth and a strange sound was released.

It was slightly high pitched, and not too deep.

It was slightly high pitched yet still perfectly deep.

I saw my right arm as stretched my limbs.

I saw that my right arm had stretched my limbs.
I'm not quite sure about this part, so I'll offer an alternative.
I noticed that my limbs had been stretched, my right arm especially.

Alowing me to fly inside of it.

Allowing*

"The first existing planet is starting to take perfect shape. Just as I envisioned it." I said in delight.

If he has just been hatched and is only just realising his powers, it doesn't seem likely that he'd know what a planet is. Especially if it's the first of its kind.
This thing, it's starting to take perfect shape. It's like I'd envisioned it.

There was none. It was just that several eggs that fell from space where I hatched.
There was none, just several eggs that had fallen from space.

blue fire patern

pattern*

completely altared my appearance/

Altered*

I was wearing a yellow shirt with a black thunderbolt printed on it. A small grey jacket and black shoes on my feet.

I was wearing a yellow shirt, on the front was a black thunderbolt. It matched the shoes on my feet and blended nicely with the grey shirt that I wore

All my planet's inhabitants will have power like this. I know this for a fact/

None of the eggs have hatched, so he couldn't know this for a fact.
The inhabitants of my creation, they shall have powers similar to my own. I can feel it.
That is a better explanation of how he would know about their powers.

Altogether it was good to read, if not confusing in some places. I'm still not sure if he looks like a human or Zekrom. Especially since he has the body of a dragon but is wearing clothes and shoes? Other than that, it's nice to read something about Pokemon. I'm so psyched for X and Y!

Happy Review Day. :]




dark says...


Thanks for the review! :) Cheers!



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Sun May 26, 2013 7:11 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello dark review for you not much help sorry.

Hope it helps a tiny bit.

It feels good.
Well this is good but it might sound better like this "It felt rather good."

This is the only best story I have read on here I will check every day form now on to see if there is a sequel to it.

This is really really o my gosh I could go on and on.

Keep writing and good luck.

~Jon~ :pirate3:




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 9:13 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Alright, hey dark!

I played Pokemon a while back, haven't in a while. I am, however, familiar with the myth of Reshiram/Zekrom creating the country Pokemon Black/White is set in. If I'm not mistaken, however, they created just that, the country. Not the entire world, as you seem to be describing here? I may not be correct, however, or you may know this, and continued regardless.

I find it an unusual choice for you to take the legendary Pokemon's POV. It's certainly interesting. And yet here, I find... something, I'm not sure what, is lacking. Perhaps the POV voice just doesn't convince me. Not a bit. It seems... stilted. Awkward, even. The POV character seems to know things (like how to speak, and what rocks are), but not others (like what asteroids are, and even what it looks like). It's really like the Pokemon itself isn't speaking, but some sort of superior mind, which then takes the form of a body and yet at the same time looks at itself from afar, as if it was a stranger to itself. This may or may not have been what you were aiming for. I'm really not sure what to tell you. It's like, there's an egg, but that egg is moving, and then it hatches, and then it... names itself. What?

Perhaps you could re-write it, employ some good old italics and third person to describe this. I don't think the use of first person is all that effective, as you're trying to describe the mind of a non-human, legendary Pokemon god, and that is... complex. So something like:

The egg floated in space. It knew, somehow, of its existence, and of the universe around it, blank and desolate. It had been waiting, and waited. Suddenly, it felt electricity -- a shock of power that surged through the egg and shattered the outer crust. The sparks flew around and settled inside its body.


And so forth. The close-third person works better, I think, and while the above example is bad, it should be just an example. Do what you will with it.

I think you should find a way to convey the Pokemon's power and alien mind. Or, you could get rid of this chapter entirely. If the Pokemon isn't going to be the POV character, why bother? Pokemon fans all know of the creation myth, and you could, if needed, introduce this chapter later on. Right now what we want is something we can understand and relate to, if I'm making sense.

Hope I could help
~Ita




dark says...


I understand what you mean. My idea of Zekrom (along with giritina and acres) creating the world is a bit of a fan fiction if you will. Also I really am trying to do a first person story. I have been writing this whole thing on paper since 2008, and that's the way I've been writing this story. However I appreciate your comment Ita. Ill definetly try to to this better, I won't be re writing though because this is actuall a rewrite already.




"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984