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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hey Jade!
~ I just like this better. I changed the last lines a bit, to make more sense, in my mind.Shady here with a review for your poem this fine evening!
So, I like the idea behind the first stanza, but it feels too choppy. Maybe combine lines?
Second stanza's all good.
Third stanza poses the same problem as the first. Maybe...
Anyway, this is a wonderful poem! I enjoyed it a lot.
Keep writing!
Hello there Jade! Dogs here with your review today! As always, it is beyond exhilarating to read your poem because it is always rather amusing. But this... this is certainly the best poem I've ever read from you. I'd say what really makes it for me is the alliteration. I LOOVVEEE alliteration and you use it to perfection at the right time in your writing. I really had to throw on my nit picky hat for this poem.
That first stanza is flawless... just perfection. So much wonderful excellence in your writing here that it's truly marvelous. Great job in that regard.
"The roar that deafens all,"
It sounds a tad bit overused to say "deafens all," perhaps mix it up a tad by saying: "deafens everything" or "deafens it all."
The singing part is a little odd in the midst of the things, it seems just thrown out there a tad. Perhaps edit it out with screaming or talking or something form of vocals.
The ending again is basically flawless. I really have nearly nothing to edit here this poem was so great. All those alliterations are doing so many favors for your writing. I rarely give likes to poetry, but you sure won one off me. Brilliant writing here my friend. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
This was a good poem, but I wasn't quite sure what it has to do with perspective, though I could just be being ignorant right now.
I liked how you used a train and a conductor as a comparison. At first I thought you spelled something wrong but then I realized it was a word I didn't know, so great vocab. Keep up the good work!
Hey there Jadefox!
An idea, that you're connecting to some kind of image. Whether that is intentional or not, I thought it an interesting experiment, but one with too many gadgets and whistles. Here's the thing...
K actually gave you quite a helpful and comprehensive review, so I'm going to take a different route with this review and use it as a framework to help you on precision/focus. I think the main issues I have with this piece is that while I enjoyed little parts of it here and there, I felt the same as Karz - I thought it drifted a bit, some of the lines were repetitive where there needed to be focus. My aim here is to point out those lines and see if I can actually help you out with your poem's content, delivery, and punch!
I actually like how you experimented with your form and built up this poem out of little smaller building blocks that kind of get stacked one on top of the other. The building blocks I'm talking about is this:
[Idea] IS [something]
so *sense/adjective* it is [conclusion].
And you go through this pattern again and again and again and again right on up through to the end. While it's cool to have this much level of consistency; we get really bored with it after a while. And if you look at the *formula* that I broke your poem down from, you'll see that what you're doing in actuality is building a simile
if we're to take the first stanza as an example:
This part is to mean that the speaker's thoughts are louder than his/her surroundings. While you bring interesting words to this idea "torrent of thoughts" -- it's mostly flowery language/construction, and I pretty much summarized the entire 4 lines into about 4-5 words.
Try to be precise and concise -- really evaluate what it is you are trying to say and whether or not you can say it in fewer words. Poetry is the language of precision and the more you can pack into a 3 word line; the more powerful and rich and vivid the poem can become.
Your second stanza:
We get more of the train image, but the same kind of sentiment, and the same kind of form. Switch it up, bring new ideas in, don't be afraid to go random!
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.
~ as always, Audy
Foxy,
I don't think we've met. Call me K.
Your poem. I dig the intention, and I can clearly see what you were aiming for, but this one needs a little work to reach that. Though if you really are 14 it's not a bad attempt. Things that need fixing:
1. Line breaks. Where you put your line breaks is exceedingly important, but it is a skill most poets on yws lack, or have not refined. There are heaps of rules of thumb about line breaks, but the only way to really have an understanding of the art is to read the masters. Read a whole bunch of Modernist poets (and to an extent some Post-Modernists too). My go-to guy is Eliot, but you can also check out cummings, Hayden, Auden, Barnes, Plath, and Pound, just to name a few. One thing I will say is unless your writing is unless your writing is so powerful and amazing and widely acclaimed and respected, your lines cannot end with weak words: us, like, they, them, and, it, etc. Particles, transitions, articles, and so on. You need images, strong words, words that create space and movement to keep us reading. Transitional words themselves may transition but they become a chore in monotony when they're dead space that isn't a neat technique or frankly just an extra word to cut.
2. Imagery. There are some good attempts, and you're definitely heading in the right direction, but it needs refining. A key to poetry (and any form of art) is invoking emotion in the audience (in this case, the reader). To do that you need to go beyond simple image association.
Dull. I mean, it's a potentially powerful idea, but your treatment of it is dull. We've all seen the exact same sentiment a thousand times before. There isn't actually an image here, just a cliched statement.
This is more like it. Simile and metaphor and stuff. This is the goods. But it's ruined by the bit that comes before it. It's as if you've included the first draft in with the finished product. Just axe the first half of this stanza. Why show your full hand within the first line? Give us the metaphor of the train, and wait to reveal it's purpose until a little later. Build tension and pace. The same goes for the other two stanzas too. The repetition and alliteration are both cute, but unnecessary. They bog the whole thing down. Anything that doesn't actively improve a poem is dead weight to be lost. Cut this whole thing down, trim the fat. There is some good stuff in here, but it's being smothered by the lame bits.
Always keen to hear your thoughts,
K.
K-
Thanks for your review, it was very down to earth. Something I greatly appreciate because it tends to improve my poetry/writing more. Hope to see you around!
-Jade
A pleasure.