Young Writers Society

@emmals16, @musicandme, @Aley:

Wow guys! Thanks for those reviews and suggestions. I really appreciate what you did. I wish I could do just what you want me to but I prefer it staying that way. "Twas how my heart and my mind worked. I wouldn't battle with it.

Hats off to your efforts though.
I hope you still read my other works.

Domo arigato guzaimasu mina-san!

Vibe

First off, interesting topic you have here. I don't think I've ever read a poem about senses.

The good things can go first. Like I said, interesting and unique topic.
Usually when I'm reading a poem that repeats the same word as the ending word in the line of the stanza it annoys me. But in this case it's supposed to be like that. To me, you successfully made in un annoying by writing it like that.
Also well done in the word choice category.

Now sadly for the lacking things.
It seemed to me you wedged the ending phrase of each line in to it.

By ending phrase I mean:

I can hear, I can feel, I can see, to see, to feel, to hear, etc.

For example, the line:

"They're alwaysthere even in my numbest days for me to feel"

It sounded like you tried to force "for me to feel" in there.

Also I didn't feel like there was any emotional attachment to this poem. Like Aley saidusually poems can let different readers think about the poem in different ways.

Don't fret though. It wasn't really all that bad. You have a very interesting topic. Just keep working at it.

Hey! Here for a review.

Firstly, I like this poem a lot! I wasn't sure where you were going with it at first, but then I got it! This is actually a very powerful thing you wrote here. To me, it shows the inner conflict and how we are always the ones prone to feel it the most and that sometimes it just sucks when people don't understand fully. Friends understand to a point and so does everyone else. As you've seen in my poems, I struggled too with being heard out fully and understood. That was shown perfectly here.

Yet though, that is not where your poem ended. You said although how it was awful and how only you could experience it, you asked for willingness to dig deeper and understand. You pleaded beautifully and nicely for hope and recognition and validation. And really any person can relate to that no matter what.

So great job, you put something out there to better people and make them think a little more. You expressed yourself too. Again, nice, nice work.

~ musicandme

Hello!

My names Aley and I'm here to review you today. First off, welcome to YWS!

I really like the direction you're trying to take this poem. Some of the language you're using is really thought provoking, and sounds very cool such as "Let those who have ears to hear, listen."

That being said, I feel like you're really holding back from us when you wrote this poem. It's very detached and there's not much more than words on a page here. When I find a poem I love, it's usually because there's content there which I can relate to and I really feel connected, like even I could say this poem out loud and it would mean something for me, but also that someone else could say it, and it would mean something different for them. This poem boils things down to such an abstract place, even though it's dealing with the senses, that it is hard to relate to. A poet's strongest asset is being unique, and saying things no one else could say. I know, it sounds counter-intuitive, but run with me for a little bit, okay?

Look at it like this, if you're sharing something only you can share through your poem, then other people will be drawn into it because it is a unique experience, a narrative, or idea, which they too might have had, but never in quite the same way you had it. It makes the poem unique enough that they say: Yeah, what they're saying is the truth, and I can say it too, but it means something different for me than them, and that's okay.

So my challenge to you, is rewrite this poem, and instead of using a pattern, just write what you're thinking. Use I, we, us, you, me, she, him, all those pronouns which make us unique, and fill it with what was going on when you wrote this poem, and what made you think this way because right now we have the final equation, but we need to see the work.

Still, I think you've got something going for you here. If you accept the challenge, and post up the result, I think you'll find something unique which poetry can offer you, just as you offer poetry something unique by showing us these oxymorons.