evanescence

I learned to breathe in darkness
So well that daylight chokes my lungs
But still I choose to walk
The path of light-
Even if it kills me.

Some things weren't made to last.


disenchantment (2016)

evanescence i

good humor is high, and
tensions are low;
I relax in a haze of
sleep-deprived forgetfulness.
I have a thousand tasks
I never intended to complete,
not really,
and my mind is busily buzzing,
wondering what that means
for my future.
it's a word I prefer
not to think about, most times.

but even now I can sense
the veil coming down over my eyes
the cloud descending on my mind
the iron fist that's slowly
closing on my heart and
crushing my lungs
into fine salt to be blown away.
it's strange still,
to think that it's possible
to disintegrate a soul
even one so weak as mine.

but it's all too easy-
all too soon.

Ooh, I am digging the exploration of the word and the thoughts that stream out of it. Especially this bit here: I have a thousand tasks...never intended to complete. <- That is me right now. I strongly relate to this.

evanescence ii

I feel pinned down by gravity
limbs heavy,
head leaden,
I'm trapped.

I want to be a luminescent flower
glowing in the dark,
where few can find me
and none can steal my light.
growing roots deep, deep
into the cool soil that
protects me
from those who would have me killed
simply to preserve my beauty-
it cannot be done.
I won't last forever,
cut or grounded,
so let me be and enjoy my company-
you won't have it all that long,
you know.

the stars on my ceiling
shine only for me.
I can see them, but
their light isn't enough
to illuminate my face-
my heart's too dark.

but there's light outside my window
if only I could reach for it...
if only I wanted to.

evanescence iii

you were the one
to teach me to fly;
you were the one
who broke my wings.

I was born to be
cradled in your hands,
not to be cast down and
shoved into the Minnesota soil,
as if you wanted to smother me-
when it was you who
gave me my first breath.

the dirt in my mouth
reminds me of when
they thought I was dying
and they buried my under
a red, firey sunrise,
still alive.

you taught me that
I was worth as much as anyone;
you taught me that
that isn't very much at all.

evanescence iv

my thoughts are bitter
my energies spread inward
as I struggle to keep afloat
in the sea of the world-
I leave no trace, unable to
spread my heat and warm the sea,
and it, unable to
save me in the least.
I am alone.

I watch the others
turn in masterful manuscripts,
mirroring their meticulous lives.
I present
scraps of throw-away thoughts
because instead of working,
I was running wild,
tangling my hair in the woods and
tasting the wind and
climbing the highest tree and
living.
I said I'd have no regrets;
my word is true, but
there's no way to escape the
consequences of rash actions
even if I chose best for me.

and that's how I found myself
drowning.
my fault.
no regrets.

evanescence v

I was the girl on the dock
legs swinging free over the water
dressed in overalls too big
(it looked adorable, at that age)
and a hot pink shirt.

I was the girl with
dark hair pulled back
into pigtail braids, fast unraveling
as she ran through summer fields
picking dandelions to make a crown.

I was the girl who asked questions,
even though she was
unprepared for some of the answers,
she took it in stride, always seeming
to forget, but it was always there.

I was the girl who ran wild
both outside and in,
whose mind was open and innocent
finding joy in the simple things and
not preoccupied with
prices, grades, jobs, friends.

I was that girl-
what am I now?
no one seems to know.

I am the young woman
who stares at the snowy skyline
thinking on how much she knows now
and how much she has yet to find
knowing she'll never find it all.

I am the young woman
who walks in silence and icy snow,
overthinking everything, leaving
footprints for no one to ever find,
because she thinks she's unloved.

I am the young woman
who seeks to find herself,
but only finds others to compare to,
looking for comfort, rest,
peace of mind, stability-
finding none.

I am the young woman
whose heart is still wild, but
her legs don't remember how to
run through the trees, and she
can't move herself from
the place she's chained to.

I like the range of themes you're covering, while still managing to make the poems seem like they go together in a collection. There seems to be a lot of consistency in the voice which is great! I really like your third piece, that first stanza is simple, but striking.

"you were the one
to teach me to fly;
you were the one
who broke my wings.

And then the line about being buried alive, is also memorable. Great job so far, I look forward to reading more!

evanescence vi

the rain pummels down on me
like stinging nettles,
like tears.

it washes away
the lavender paint, the ginger stains,
the blood-
and behind it all,
a whitewashed wall
you always knew was there.
that's what made it hard for you
to love me,
but you did anyway.

you always had
too much of the sky in you to
stay grounded with me,
your soul a constellation
to guide me home.

evanescence vii

my life is like the
living version of a myth;
icarus and daedalus
flying away on feathered wings.
there's some form of destruction
on every side;
they promised me an end,
that one day there'd be land.
now I just let my wings dip
carrying me ever closer
to the sea, my destiny,
because it's easiest to
f
a
l
l.
the water has always been
kind to me.

evanescence viii

it's not now or never,
it's now or later-
some things are inevitable.

i didn't want you to die,
but it was now or later.
i wish you hadn't
chosen now for yourself, because
i was wrong.
there was just one
now-or-never situation:
i didn't kiss you then.
now i never will.

i watched you in the garden
that golden honeysuckle afternoon
pinning your hair back with a pencil.
you asked me if i could
ever let you go.
i told you that i would have to eventually.
now or later.
you just smiled.
i was a fool.

evanescence ix

as I keep to the
25 mph speed limit of my
neighborhood streets,
lugging in 4th gear,
my mind is speeding down a highway,
westward,
windows down, hair whipping,
and the sky is bigger than it ever was.

as I wait for the
dim light of the moon to break through
illinois smog along with our three stars,
(one of which is the sun)
my mind traces constellations
of summer figures where the
heat is dry, and the
milky way exists at night.

as I stare at the suburbia,
the torn down trees and
slapped up houses and
meaningless signs that claim
the know where you're going,
my mind watches the rugged
arizona skyline and the
soaring redrocks and canyons,
the fierce deserts where
coyotes are your best friend,
where you know who you are.

evanescence x

in my dreams, I'm flying.
when I wake, I'm drowning.

the dreams are fleeting, and
everyone says that
"this too shall pass", but
it drags on and on and on.

I flit from experience to experience,
trying new things,
new passions lighting up and
old ones burning away.
it's a changing world;
why can't I change with it?

I see the circle of life all around
in the birds, in the trees,
in helium balloons.
I feel as if I've been stuck in my
dying stages for years.
I just want to move on, to change-
when will I ever have my metamorphosis?

in my dreams, I can breathe freely;
I emerge as the butterfly I was meant
to be.
when I wake, I'm trapped once again
in my chrysalis cage, suffocating,
what if I wasn't meant to change at all?

evanescence xi

changes of heart are
hard to come by
(especially if you are
an octopus-
three hearts are trickier than one.)

I don't think I could do it;
there's more room to love,
but there's more places
you can get hurt.

my one human heart is plenty
it's beating slower by the day.
the oxygen trickles in
with each steady thump
laboriously circulating
my crimson blood.
(I know its precise shade from
that time you stabbed me in the back;
you missed my heart that day,
but it's failing of its own accord,
not yours.)

I wouldn't be an octopus,
but a jellyfish,
no heart, no brain,
is it even alive?
graceful until you get close.

I like your last poem and the concepts it plays with! Especially the ending that talks about the jellyfish and how it has no brain and no heart which I find to be an interesting topic. Keep it up!