butterfly wings stuck on car grills

these memories kept under secret floorboards
the things we never had time to mourn
goodbyes the heart sung unheard
judgmental eyes watching your next step
parts of yourself left scattered in your childhood bedroom
as you pack boxes of self loathing to carry into your next life
this song is sung for you as the earth surrounds you
a funeral song to childhood

Table of contents:

1. this empty theatre feels like home
2.burnt wings on sunrays
3.memories forming a false reality
4.I'm tired
5.they speak with my own voice
6.forgotten things are safer that way
7.the sunset has many colors, but the sunrise is brighter
8.wash me away
9. freedom is subjective
10.this one moment for all of eternity
11. picture perfect lifetimes
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.

this empty theatre feels like home

I sit in the corner of my childhood bedroom
dust covers the memories i kept there
I spent so long forgetting them
now I watch them like a movie
an outside observer to the person i was
scenes float by my eyes telling a story 
it writes out my epitaph
engravings on the tombstones of my mind
this graveyard of words not said
a montage of wrong choices
images of laughter and bumblebees on bright days
a million sunsets obscured by my obsession
Narcissus and his reflection
these movies drown me
to the soundtrack of my own despair
play the laugh track from my self doubt
i cry for the end of each scene
all the memories that didn't make the editors cut
i look back at all these things
act one is over
act two has just begun
i pray for a happy ending
fin~

@Quillfeather I love the play between disillusionment and maybe the bitter half of nostalgia and seeing past / home without the rose-tinted glasses of childhood. I always like poetry that plays with that "home" is and this is an emotional and thoughtful take - I am looking forward to your poetry and imagery and wish you all the very best this month! (You've GOT this friend!)

burnt wings on sunrays

a bird is born without flight
a skill discovered only by making a choice
to take the plunge
to trust in the implicit rules of birth
to have faith that your wings will carry you home
one day you are pushed out of your safe haven
its up to you
to fly or fall
that's just the way things are
who are you to make a change?
how could you dare to fly too close to the sun
just to feel the burn of being alive
as you take a step of the edge
ready to greet your new tomorrow
will you keep flying until the edges of your world disappear
or will you embrace your nature
sit on the wire watching your life go by
remember the fundamental fact of your existence
a bird is born without flight
so you must claim it
or greet death like an old friend
it's your choice
fly free little bird

memories forming a false reality

how many new memories can fit into one mind
before i start forgetting you
how many times can i change myself
until i start forgetting who i am
if there is no limit to how much i can remember
will i have to start tearing every part of you from my brain
take out your anger i see reflected in my face
and with it the laughter we shared
i read somewhere that memories are stored in many parts of the brain
so perhaps to remove you I will have to take apart who I am
or maybe I will just have yo learn to live with the parts of me you've infected
as a punishment for all the ways I hurt you more
because they say memories are beautiful
the only point of being alive is to have lived
so I will hold these memories dear
lay them on the old dusty shelf in my retirement home
and one day I can take out the worst ones from the back of my closet
and give them back to you
so you can display them on my casket
and everyone can laugh and say they miss me
but if by then ive forgotten you
betrayed by my brain into losing myself
promise that you'll tell me again why i hated myself
scientists say that the capacity for memory is infinite
so though i seek to remember so much i am able to forget
i will always remember the worst parts of you
and remember the way those things
are reflected in the mirror of me
promise you'll forget me

I'm tired

Exhaustion haunts these weary bones
Like songs that sing all your faults in harmony
words that repeat in chorus
Keep going bend to the will of the wind
Until you break your back from the exhaustion of carrying your world
every muscle strains from the weight of each tick of the clock
An insescent symphony to accompany the song of your failures
your own hand holds the horsewhip
you beat yourself down with
Spurred on by obligation
the sun relentlessly setting on your ambition
your life slips away like quicksand
but you are the fool who never learned
The more you struggle the deeper you sink
until the last light leaves your eyes
dead at the feet of your own fear of mortality

they speak with my own voice
the ghosts that haunt my graveyard
are made of mist and self loathing
the things that cannot be seen by doubtful eyes
they wail songs of lament to empty graves
marked with stones that have no flowers
their epitaph read out a list of my failures
no mourners come to remember the past
I walk alone to cry for my own self pity
while these ghosts rattle their chains
forged from regrets I'll never learn to break free from
some say ghosts are pure superstition
but they've never met these ghosts of mine
they haunt every part of your life you love
And taint them into an unrecognizable form
they laugh at you when you fall
and push you into your coffin
if you met my ghost
My only friends
You'd believe in ghosts too
And they'd haunt your mind
And steal your soul
and we'd rest together in this eternity

forgotten things are safer that way

at five years old i sat on a fallen tree
laughing as i pretended it was a horse
carrying me away from my home
at 10 i would sit among flowers
and draw all the shapes and colors
at 12 i wanted to grow up
and start my own life
at 15 I cried every night
thinking the world hates me and hating the world in return
at 16 I swore i would do anything
not to remember my childhood
now i am 18 and i would give my life
to get those years back
i sit in my old backyard and blow bubbles into the open sky
i watch as they burst from the weight of the world
i try to escape these feelings that haunt me
but they run faster than me
at 7 I promised I'd run away
that my family would never see me again
now I pack my boxes and sign lease agreements
at 9 I dreamed to change the world
id study science and history and law
and help everyone I could
now I just hope to see the next sunrise
I'm too tired now to change anything
that's what i tell myself
growing up was never what I thought
it wasn't about getting stronger
or learning more
or gaining freedom
or finally understanding the world
knowing the right words to say
making the right choices
it wasn't about getting my chance
it feels more like loosing my whimsy
shattering my dreams
holding myself together just to fall apart in secret
that little girl catching butterflies in a bright dress
lay forgotten
like the memories I swept under my bed
but maybe one long afternoon
when I've cried all my tears that taste like moving on
when I lean under my bed and takeout my childhood best friend
ill dust her off and we'll play like old times
and so that little girl will wake up again
though I wonder if she's safer this way
so the world will never break her heart again
i think at five years old i already knew
id grow up to look a lot like you

TW: Bl00d and slight violence (only for poetic imagery these are not based on actual events, expereinces, or feelings)

the sunset has many colors, but the sunrise is brighter

they say the sunrise is beautiful
I wouldn't know
I sleep too much to watch it
i know ive lived through thousands of sunrises
but it never seemed important to watch them

i once heard a bird sing outside my window
it reminded me that I couldn't sing like her
so i smashed the glass pane and choked her
blood trickled down from glass shards in my hand
jealousy has a way of breaking us both

people tell me i am growing up
as a child i thought that meant id learn how to be good
but now i think we just learn to hide better
tears don't fall unfettered anymore
we lost that freedom of imagination

i used to spend my nights
holding my hatred close
i yearned for that connection
and she whispered in my ear
all the same words that fell from my own lips

sometimes that light of childhood
still shines through these dark nights
it comes in different ways
one time we drove to the end of the universe
and that smile brought back ruminants of my shattered soul
for a moment we were wholly together

one night i sat in the moonlight
and put flowers in my hair
and I danced with the stars
and promised myself to always remember
that nothing is worth forgetting these small moments

so for this one moment
i watch the sunrise
and cry until I am full again
feeling something worth taking with me
because these moments are horrifyingly beautiful
just to know I am able breathe
and knowing that can be enough for now


they say the sunrise is beautiful
and i don't know if I agree
beauty is subjective
and I see it everything

wash me away

forgiveness is like air to one who is drowning
it is choosing to swim toward the light
even when the burn in your lungs is more comfortable

dogs bite and growl at things they fear
aggression is safety even when it kills you
because at least then you tried to fight it

we are stuck in this orbit
a sick twirling dance circling in this well worn pattern
where I forgive and bite in the same motion
and wonder why it hurts

to say we are in orbit is to assume we are important
like the great celestial bodies that hold mysteries of life
that would explain why this feels so heavy

when you see me drowning it must feel different
when the water isn't clouding your senses
maybe I look serene like i belong in the water

when a tree grows from a seed it stays in one place
it builds it's root deep and stays there until the wind brings it home
but it plants seeds far and wide

i asked if we were born clean
tainted by the world
or if evil is inherent in our humanity
you just smiled

some say ill regret it
i think ill miss you
forgiveness is hard to come by

let me be a tree and spread my seeds
let me tame the dog and heal his heart
let this dance continue eternally

until the ends of my universe
meet the ends of myself
until i am washed clean
or drown