timjim77

I have to disagree with Snoink. I think the opening is very strong. DO NOT change the opening. The beautr of this poem cannot be fully understood by us, because ...

What we have: RAW emotion. What we want: Fill in the blank. It is quite possible that you want the raw emotion to show through ehre. Keyword raw. Here's my ...

I turned off music to do this critique. Be honored. First off, you may wanna use some line breaks here. I know, cause i've gotten that comment before. I even ...

it was slightly pretty, but i wanted to kill the words "wind" and "joyful" and "me" by the end of the poem. sort of musical... haha. i'd have to agree, ...

I think this poem would benefit a lot from a good use of imagery. "This maze I'm in never ends, with obstacles everywhere. There's no one in this maze I'm ...

mm, some small critques, like needing punctuation at end of lines, and an extra verse would be nice. The main thing that strikes me, or actually doesn't strike me is ...

Hmm, obviously format problems. Watch your vocabulary. Some of the words don't make complete sense in their context, or have different connotations. E.g. Proclaimed in line 1 seems odd. I ...

Parts I did not like: "For less than a buck Because the goddamned luck Was running low these days" The less than a buck phrases were not particularly poignant, and ...

I really like the second stanza. Witty, brief, precise, visual. The other ones were not quite as good, and the ending was a bit dodgy. It was making a point ...

I really love the imagery here. It's so vibrant. I think the last stanza can go though. You wouldn't lose much. The rest is beautiful, and very poignant. The title ...

1: This belongs in the script section. If you do not intend it to be a script, then the dialogue should not be a name, aa colon, and then the ...

"my lead-piercing gaze reveals the perking, simmering, brimming dramas, so over-ripe it hurts the eyes like an overripe sun falling out of the sky over weepy, mossy plains." That was ...

I think it's about a woman contemplating an abortion, if I'm not mistaken. "Killing in the name, of inconvenience and everything unsaid, like war on the caged. We'll lose like ...

Diary entry poetry is a delicate genre. It must be done with care, and best usually done with detchment. This poem does not seem like it was revised. You wrote ...

Wanna know what i really liked about this poem? The way the structure mimicked the climax and buildup of the poem. It started out with short lines and gradually got ...