Here I am in a giant maze.
It's so hard to find a way out.
I see hope and follow her gaze,
to a place I only dream about.
The wall's seem to stretch on forever,
towards the sky so high above.
It doesn't take anyone clever,
to know how far I am from love.
This maze I'm in never ends,
with obstacles everywhere.
There's no one in this maze I'm in.
They're all out in some plains somewhere.
I'm feeling lost, alone and cold.
Freedom's what my heart aches for.
It's worse than anything I've told.
For ages now my heart's been sore.
I must leave this maze one day.
There is a pathway out of here.
I will leave this maze one day.
There's a pathway out of everywhere.
I'll find a way - I know I can.
I've got a plan I'm sticking to.
I'll find the way - I know I will.
I'll do it when I think of you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i agree with timjim, though this was relatively good. i love that you've adopted your own style, though, instead of others. i'm sorry for not having much to say
I think this poem would benefit a lot from a good use of imagery.
"This maze I'm in never ends,
with obstacles everywhere.
There's no one in this maze I'm in.
They're all out in some plains somewhere."
this stanza doesn't really say much that's necessary to the idea of the poem. Think about the poem as a theme, and you want to drive your point home, or your non-point home. The idea is to be clear and concise, while still being beautiful. Concise doesn't mean it can't be long. Sometimes it takes a very long time to get your point across.
Keep working on this one. It reminds me a lot of stuff I've written. Also, watch the last stanza. You introduce a second party there that wasn't in any of the previous poem. This can be effective, but you need to lead us up to there. Make us feel that yearning of the "you" you will be thinking of.