Young Writers Society

Hi @Snoink I'm back again with another short review for you. So lets jump right into this shell we.

Look at me!
Or perhaps not…
For I know I hate you
Yet strangely enough
When I see you
My strings get pulled
And I begin to hate myself

I am the puppet…

You are the master.

XD

@ Jojo:

The old Snoink? Here's a thought for you! What if the old Snoink you know is actually the new Snoink? If you look at my prose and then look at the fiction, you'll find that the new Snoink is actually the more consistant Snoink.

Something to think about...

@ xanthan:

Don't feel bad. I'm an absolutely terrible poet. XD As for being a metal head... no. I haven't heard enough music by them to really come to any inspiration by them.

The clarinet line is because (gasp!) I actually play the clarinet. And the "you" in question makes jokes about me playing my clarinet, and generally pretends that I play better than I do. *sighs*

The suggestiveness of that one line you noticed is intended. The "you" in question also believes him and I (I refuse to say "we") are soulmates, and thinks I am just waiting for him.

And I don't like being poetic, LMAO.

@ bubbles:

Oh dear! Yes, I like the first two stanzas, and then afterwards, the poem became no fun to write, since I began to think about him and feel quite a bit of self-loathing on my part. Oh! The angst! So yes, you have good eyes. Perhaps I'll try to finish it when I'm in a more optimestic, eh?

@ timjim:

Yes, you're probably right.

@ El (she posted in my blog):

Yes, I was dripping with sarcasm. Fun, eh?

I really like the second stanza. Witty, brief, precise, visual. The other ones were not quite as good, and the ending was a bit dodgy. It was making a point that was not supported by the rest of the poem. But if you reframe the poem around the second stanza, maybe paralleling it to some extent, it will be quite good.

Warning, warning, frankness ahead!

Armor on? OK, good. Here we go.

To start with, I love the first two stanzas. They have a great rhythm and a sense of freshness, a kind of upbeat and slightly sarcastic style that is oddly direct and appealing. Unfortunately, after that I have to say it pretty much fizzled out. **cringes** Dont hurt me! LOL. The rhythm loses something; it becomes a little cliche and stale. Some of the words you use - "upon" or "jerk", for example - seem a trifle forced to me.
"Or perhaps not..." - um, well, I dont think the "..." bit (word escapes me for the moment) belongs, it spoils the momentum and makes the poem drift instead of being tight and punchy like the first verses. The ending looks like it should be powerful, except that it kind of states the obvious, so it goes "klunk" instead of "zing" if you know what I mean.

That's my two cents, anyway. Overall, I liked the sentiment and the first two stanzas. With a little bit of work it could be excellent

um, well. (i feel like i'm sinning by critiquing you.)

first of all, this distinctly reminded me of MASTER OF THE PUPPETS by Metallica, but since you do not appear to be a metalhead, i doubt that is the source of your inspiration.

some lines you had were jarringly...unpoetic, or....well, for example:

And play my clarinet

You know I want it…

Whew! The guardian of all oinking beings in a rare attempt to write serious. Maybe you should warn readers in the topic that it's serious. Otherwise people may come in expecting to have 1 or 2 good laughs but get blank graveness. It's nice to see this form of you for a change though but I think I liked the earlier Snoink better.