perdido

This is okay. I mean what you've done here is novel, but it just isn't that interesting. I think you'd need some more... like why does this matter. Whose handwriting ...

I don't like the questions, they don't work. The sensory detail is sparse but what there is, is harsh. Its harsh, burning light. It just seems cliche to me. Lovers ...

the strongest part of this is the last line, this poem is worth fixing just for that. but literally nothing else worked for me. I found the angels boring, the ...

too much needless punctuation . I'm glad you focus on imagery, that's good but as it stands the piece flows terribly and its in part because of the punctuation. Restructure ...

this poem reminds me of Kansas lyrics. I think your best tool for revision will be condensation. The whole "he fears not this, he fears not that," thing is a ...

Sealegs, again, you nailed it. Short poems like this are tricky because EVERY word has to be perfect, and so does the title. And actually, I once published a poem ...

Like sealegs said, rhyming should be your last priority, form should NEVER dictate content. What it really needs is more sensory detail. I'm sure you've heard the term "show don't ...

This is pretty good... for a rookie yellow canary cabs shuffle around corners to other corners well, you know the form. In a poem this short, every word has to ...

didn't really make a whole lot of sense. Left a lot to be desired. I want you to put aside all the cliches (bridges burning, etc.) and include some sensory ...

I will add, (and Conrad's right about everything), but I would just add that one element that I think worked (and I think it was unintentional) Was the unreliable narrator. ...

CONDENSE. So many unnecessary words. You start off with kind of a limericky gallop, but the flow is COMPLETELY wrong by the time the first stanza closes. If you are ...

Snoink, your greatest ally while revising this will be condensation. There are so many unnecessary words, as a reader it was pretty hard on me. It'll be a lot stronger ...

its really good that you go through all of the senses. If anything, this seems like an exercise on sensory detail. You use smoke twice, and I'd avoid that because ...

you're right, it is missing something. William Carlos Williams once said "No poetry except in things." There are no things in your poem, nor are there any sensory details. I'd ...

you got a little carried away with the rhyming. This is your scheme: ABAC AAAA ABCA AAAA AAAA its not even consistently inconsistent. Condensation will be your most effective tool ...