Inspired by Bang Bang by Nancy Sinatra
An empty dusty town,
laying abandoned in the ground.
Playground swings lie immobile
Church bells hang, crying silently
In this place no one says goodbye
they hit the ground and await the dust.
In the back the peace is wrecked
hidden underneath the frames
of old trucks. You spy a shadow
Dignity, choking in the dirt.
Even the sun sweats in the
town that left without a word
the soul of it walked out,
and sifted the earth from itself.
Wandering until it too shrivels
and dries in the devil's desert
where nothing ever is as it seems
and the souls hang
in the motes of adobe.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I was quite dissappointed by this as my expectations were aimed more towards Adobe reader, i was genuinely expecting a nice ode to the computer programme. shame. but inspiration for me to write a poem on that topic
too much needless punctuation .
I'm glad you focus on imagery, that's good but as it stands the piece flows terribly and its in part because of the punctuation. Restructure it so its more smooth and then add MORE detail. Frames of old trucks is exquisite and I want more of that, I'm hungry for it. The ending was weak, you can do better.
Let me know
Hello Venturepants!
I would say that the poem initially starts off a little weak, but strengthens considerably by the end. I think that there were a few cliches in there–describing ghost towns and dust can be so limiting, I know– not to mention the meter was a little odd in places, with occasionally cryptic phrases. That said, the last four lines were quite decent. "Sifted", cool word choice. I'm not sure what to make of "In the back, the peace is wrecked", but I'm thinking that it refers to the church. Now, talking about the trucks, you had a nice image going, but "choking" is hard to imagine with "shadow of dignity". Does the dignity refer to the town before or after its desertion? Are you condemning the town's abandonment? That could be an interesting tangent to explore.
I think this really could pack a punch with some revision. Those last lines were definitely moving in the right direction.
Cheers,
–antimelrose