I enjoy the taste of your lips,
Even the gentle tang of the
smoke on your warm breath.
I enjoy the feel of your hands,
Silken and steady, but ever
Gentle on my trembling skin.
I enjoy the smell of you and all
The things that remind me of you,
Incense and smoke on clean hair.
I enjoy the sound of your breath
When I take you by surprise, and
The laugh that closely follows it.
I enjoy the sight of your intense stare
(Even when I am forced to look away),
and the flecks of gold in your hair.
I have come to enjoy so much about you,
But most of all I have come to enjoy
The way you just seem to understand me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
its really good that you go through all of the senses. If anything, this seems like an exercise on sensory detail. You use smoke twice, and I'd avoid that because we already knew he was smoky... and you already say incense in the olfactory stanza: saying incense and smoke is redundant. Incense is already a really nice, smoky detail, you could modify it further instead of just repeating yourself. Also the ending was really weak... I'd definitely try again there. I'd agree with Snoink in that i'd include even more detail and try to describe him a little better but without betrayed the mystery and intrigue you have built thus far
happy hunting
Hey Emma Miller!
So consider putting in more details. The obvious question from reading this poem is, who is this that you enjoy? It seems like a lover, and yet we don't get any real clear view of him from this poem... a bit strange!
So, this seems more like a grocery list of things that you enjoy from someone. Which is good, for a start, but you're definitely going to want to spice it up. After all, poetry is supposed to be dramatic and sensual, no?
Also, to add a little more depth, describe some of things that you don't enjoy about him. I remember watching this Craig Ferguson video once, where he described what a wake was, and what he said was that in a wake, they remembered the person, in all their good moments... and bad moments. He described it as a sort of loving slam on the person. And, in a way, I think that's a better way to celebrate humanity. We all have good traits and bad traits. That's what makes us human. So I think it would be nice to describe some instances where his bad traits turned out to be sweet... or whatever.
Good luck, and welcome to YWS!