Published April 8, 2010
Here we are once more,
Again.
Over and over we try,
to find a friend.
One that will hold you,
until the end.
Or whenever,
stay forever.
When the darkness covers over all,
where will the light be?
Where will anything be?
When the horns blow,
here in the darkness...
Everything in the dark will shine.
Once more,
together,
forever,
always my friend.
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That line seems usless, only there for rhyme. Not so good.
Really? I want you to show me something that can shine in the dark, where there IS NO light to create that shine. It'd be a good image if phrased differently and used in a more realisic sense, so that I(the reader) can actually see it.
The rhyme annoyed me, it was forced. A bit. I didn't really notice it except for there and there. Other than that, good.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
That line seems usless, only there for rhyme. Not so good.
Really? I want you to show me something that can shine in the dark, where there IS NO light to create that shine. It'd be a good image if phrased differently and used in a more realisic sense, so that I(the reader) can actually see it.
The rhyme annoyed me, it was forced. A bit. I didn't really notice it except for there and there. Other than that, good.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
Like sealegs said, rhyming should be your last priority, form should NEVER dictate content. What it really needs is more sensory detail. I'm sure you've heard the term "show don't tell." SHOW us.
Also, you don't need that many commas.
And don't forget, William Carlos Williams once said "No poetry except in things." Add some things to your poem!
Hey! Welcome to YWS!
About your poem. I can tell - like Forest - that a lot of emotion went into this poem. This is fantastic. Poems should be raw and emotional. Unfortunately, this poem is so personal that it's difficult for all readers to connect to. I don't feel welcomed into this poem, even though it's a universal topic.
However, you have some good things started. For example, the image of the horn blowing and everything shining in the dark. If you could have more of this type of description, it would give the poem a kick that it needs. If adding more ruins the rhyme, it's still okay! Perhaps what this poem needs is to lose the rhyme for the sake of description.
I hope this helps a little. Start afresh. Keep writing!
Hey kitrosemon13! Welcome to YWS and I'll be your reviewer for today!
This was a really great poem, and I can tell that tons of feeling went into this. This poem made me think about my friends, and that was good, speaking of which I got into a fight with one of my friends. This helped me realize that friends will be there for you, no matter how dark it gets.
This was really an awesome poem, and I don't have any nitpicks aside from maybe dividing it into stanzas. Like two lines, space, two lines, space, or something like that. Otherwise it was totally amazing.
Keep writing!
~Forest