Holding on to life with pessimistic implications,
you cannot see my sunrise; I cannot see your eclipse.
I wish that this was ending,
your dreams aren't mine,
the bridge is burning, burned.
The words are in your mouth,
the actions concieved in my head.
Could we ever see it in those ways?
In my eyes,
I am caged
With such high hopes.
One day will you wake up with it?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
So, thanks for reviewing an' all guys, now it's my turn to explain myself about a few things you've pointed out
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. Fail. I completely disagree about your comment on how a poem is like a paragraph, but eh. To each her own I suppose.
Starting with perdido, who pointed out my lack of sensory detail and abundance of cliches. I will first address the issue of cliches; you're right. There is no excuse for cliches. You caught me. Case closed. Second, there's the sensory details or lack of. Yes, I used an abundance of emotions and no sensory details, but that's because the poem was based on my thoughts and my thoughts were completely black when I wrote this. What do you see when you read this? Nothing. Black. I still have no images that come to mind when I read this, and it's about me. Images sometimes serve to complicate I find. But only sometimes.
This brings me to Elinor's not understanding what the poem's about. The poem's about how my parents keep taking things away from me because they can't understand why I like them, and their failure to comprehend said things is removing more and more from my life until I've now ended up lifeless, but still holding on to hope that they'll see my POV.
Heh, clearly very specific, but maybe better than an indecisive subject, hopefully.
About the punctuation, I fixed that, thanks much, I hadn't edited before I posted so boo to me
Thanks all, I'm sorry for the extremely long and defensive sounding response, I really didn't mean it to be either ><.
Sorry,
Canni
Okay, so!
There were a few a things that I wanted to talk to you about. The first thing is your grammar and punctuation. You need to have punctuation in poetry. I like to think of poems as paragraphs with rhythm and verse. So what I would say to do, if you have trouble with this, write your poem as a paragraph and see if it would make sense. Right now, this is what yours would look like:
Yeah. This is really had to read and understand, isn't it? Also, your un-capitalized I's are just distracting and not the least bit artsy, which is the aim of most writers who don't capitalize their i's in poetry.
Also, I didn't really understand what this poem was about. It seems to be about love, then you talk about burning visions...they're just really generic descriptions and such strung together and called a poem. I can't really see a connection between each individual line.
Keep these things in mind, and I'd like to see an edited version of this.
-Elinor xo
didn't really make a whole lot of sense. Left a lot to be desired.
I want you to put aside all the cliches (bridges burning, etc.) and include some sensory details. You've got a good emotional miasma, here... like the whole being caged thing. Honestly I'd like it to be longer and I'd like there to be more fleshed out characters and settings. Show, don't tell, etc.