kshsj777

I don't think this was really bad, but it does need some improvement. The genie and woman are both funny. "Woman: Well, he he, I wasn’t exactly saving this for ...

The dialogue doesn't need to italicized except for a few words here and there for emphasis. The dialogue at the end was confusing b/c I didn't know who was saying ...

The scene with Ada was confusing. I didn't understand what was going on. However, I did understand the beginning, and I think it's cool that he's black mailing the Commander. ...

"The thought of the king surveying his palace only to find wet laundry and long clotheslines was just too funny." shouldn't "and" be "on"? "The protections we twelve mages of ...

I got really confused when I read it. At first I thought that Alexis was narrating both the prologue and chapter 1 so I was confused when the Dad called ...

Yeah, there is some telling in there, but it's not so bad. Try to fit some of the information into action and dialouge instead of just narration. "For the raven ...

"Youga commanded himself as he ran threw the back alleyways of Arafta." threw? "Youga was being chased by a member of the Mage’s Police. Why? Because he had stolen some ...

“No, really?!” Ada had already gone after them with her powers, whatever they were, and was now holding her hands in pain. This sentence doesn't tell me anything about what ...

"She was too late. Ada was dragged back into the alley with a hand across her mouth to keep her from yelling." Omit "to keep her from yelling" It's obvious ...

"The cafeteria was so big, the wooden floors and walls cleaned or polished." Cleaned and polished. "She was gone, and the officer will surely not hear me out. No one ...

"Think about it, if you lived forever, you will see the world end" "will" should be "would" "Even if the earth no longer existed, you still will be." "will be" ...

“You know, he way be the Grand Master" should be "You know, he may be the Grand Master" "s boy of average height" a typo there. "However, he slipped as ...

I'm not sure what this word is supposed to be: nigritude A large man traveled low along the street, looking for good house." You forgot an "a" in front of ...

I think Elena's power is very interesting. However I think it would be extremely uncomfortable for Elena to run on all fours unless she's somehow physically changed. I think the ...

Your title is interesting (why is why I clicked on it), but Kylan is right. It's too short. You need make the scene longer, and explain what's going on. You ...